My heart and my brain are not talking to one another at the moment. B believes that I just need to accept the divorce that he wants, knowing the kids and I will be better and H is throwing a tantrum about fighting for our family, insisting that I will do whatever he wants. That I deserved 12 years of being put down and all of his affairs, the multiple times he’s left. That if I had been more attentive, more forgiving, done something more that we would have been happy. He said he has never been good to me, that He doesn’t make me happy, that we are toxic for each other. I have loved him for so long, given so much love and forgiveness and effort into our family and marriage... I don’t want to throw it all away. It will have been for nothing. I have given him everything since I was twenty and tried so hard to be a good wife, a good mom. I just want my husband and my family. I don’t know how to let go. He said we are done and nothing is going to change that. It hurts so much.
I try to start each day by telling myself, I need to love myself more.
I thought I loved my husband more than anything, I realize I was in love with the potential, the fantasy, of what he could become if he choose to.
He choose a path that was destructive to our relationship, i.e cheating, emotional abuse, verbally nasty on a daily basis, gas lighting, and I stayed. At first I stayed out of denial, then fear...
Now that I am in the midst of a never ending battle/divorce, I see so much more clearly. I still hurt, my heart feels like it has been ripped from my chest, stomped on, and cut into tiny pieces. But it and I will heal. I give myself no other option.
People only change... if they want to.... unfort. the majority of the problems arise in a relationship when one party projects all their character defects on the other.
Life is not fair, it actually sucks. And he and brought two beautiful babies into it. It is my job to be the best version of myself for them. I tell myself, I'm ok, their ok, were ok.
you can do it. you are not alone. you are just lonely.
What you say makes so much sense. It's the exact advice I would give someone else in my situation. Why is it always easier to give than to receive sound advice. How long until the ache in my chest goes away? How long until I don't think about J every other minute of the day. What do you do to keep your mind occupied? I want to move on, I know it's the right thing to do...it's just so difficult.
Your H is gaslighting you. It's a constant campaign to undermine your self-confidence and to make you doubt your decisions. Does this sound familiar: It's always your fault for his decisions. You're always the one who's wrong. You're the reason he cheats, or spends all the money, blah blah blah.
Understand that you didn't do anything to make him have affairs or any other bad behavior. HE CHOSE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS ACTIONS.
My advice would be that you've been there 12 years too long. Get out and make a healthy life for your children. You can't help him. He's got to change himself.