Hello there, I know this is a forum for couples who are getting divorced, yet I thought it might be good for me to try and seek answers here. I'm an eighteen year old, my parents divorced three years ago. I'm now struggling to find solutions to make my fathers life better and would appreciate some advice on the matter (it's kinda a short vent as well).

I never thought divorces were as terrible as I experienced first hand. It's mainly the custody struggle that got to me. My little sister had to go with my mother because she was seven then, while I was allowed to decide where I wanted to stay. It was the worst thing I could ever imagine. Both my parents were trying to get me onto their side. It killed me inside, and when I threatened them I'd leave home if they didn't stop, they managed to reconcile (from what they told me) and said I was free to choose. So I decided to stay with my father, as I didn't want to leave my hometown, the place I grew up in.
My mother got extremely angry and told me it was not my place to decide, and that she'd force me to move in with her, which I absolutely didn't want. I love my mother, don't get me wrong. But it was my rebellious phase, and I didn't want to move. In the end, my father managed to convince her I could stay with him.
I haven't talked to her since, she broke off all contact with me, and even though I'm over it now, it broke my heart. Since then, things have been up and down. I'm still living with my father, and even though it was difficult, we are closer than ever. The only thing is my mother. She has decided to make my life a living hell, I think (Wrote me a letter in which she said she was praying for my criminal soul, send me a mourning card for my birthday). My sister almost never visits, she will suddenly get "sick" every few weeks, and was strongly influenced (she now sometimes calls my father by his fist name instead of dad). I got used to all this, but I still want to help my father.

Now, the biggest threat has arrived. My mother wants my father to sell the house she and him bought. And she doesn't want to move back in herself, or to have the money it'll bring, but she told my father she'd make sure there was no way for him to keep it and live there. That's her only motivation. My father once told me that if the house was auctioned off, he'd do everything to be the one to buy it, but we all know he doesn't have the money to do so. He said, he'd somehow make it possible.
I now have a terrible premonition. I feel like the matter is getting closer, as things have suddenly tensed up with my sister and my father is also behaving very anxious. Even worse, I feel guilty because I'm going overseas for a gap year this summer, and the flight, accommodation etc. will take a lot of money. My father said he'd help me with it, and I'll try to earn most of it through part-timing, but I'm afraid my mother will take the opportunity of my absence to go to court with the house case. As I'm working voluntary, I won't be earning money I could support my dad with. I'm terrified we might lose the house while I'm overseas. It would break my fathers heart. I want to help him, yet I don't know how. I can't work and give him money to help, and I'm nowhere ready to talk to my mother yet.
Can I even do anything at all? I just don't how to save my home. I love my father, and I don't want him to suffer any more than this.

Thanks for listening, if anyone could give me some advice if and what I could do regarding the house, I would appreciate it. Thank you.

When I read your post, I felt a pang of strong familiarity. I was also older when my parents divorced, stayed with my father, and had a mother that would do anything to cause strife and pain. for example wanted my college fund, but not my brothers. She actually wanted half the pool lol. My father jokes now that when they were at the bank, the teller asked my mother if she wanted half the water in the pool too? LOL.
but its not funny or easy when you are in the middle of it.... and you are.
your dad can handle it, it is his job to handle it. You need to enjoy being 17. if he says he can help you let him. if you want to study abroad and travel, do it. you only get these changes once.
Ironically, I am in the middle of a very ugly divorce, have two small daughters, and for the longest time thought that my partner was like my dad, strong, funny and protector. Now I see that I married my mother! and in therapy am processing the trauma I stuffed during my parents divorce.
reach out for support, find a therapist, talk to you friends. Let you dad know how you feel...
Also....my husband is trying to come after the house I owned before we were married, and I may have to sell it and move from the only home my girls know...I keep telling myself, a home is a place, a family makes the home their own.

First of all, yella, thank you so much for your advice. I managed to talk to my dad about it and it looks like he expected me to think like this. He told me the very same you did, said I would never get these chances again and he'd support me so I could take them. He actually joked that if I backed out now, he would throw me out for being too stupid.
There's good news as well: today he told me he was granted a loan to compensate my mother for her part of the house. We will most likely be able to keep it, and this will, hopefully, be the last obstacle in our way. She doesn't have any more options after this.
I actually went to a therapist for about three years, but she told me not to come anymore since she couldn't help me with my "everyday problems". I haven't been there for a year now, and I wouldn't want to go back. I'm fine with my family to talk to. Of course, it's never easy, but I actually am content with the way my life is. There is a bit more to the story than I'd ever post here, but everybody has their own circumstances and there's always a difference for each and every one of us.
I'm sorry to hear your story, it's a terrible one and I can feel your pain. It's actually very similar to my own, there are so many parallels I see myself in... But it's a good thing you and your father can joke about it now. I do feel like I will be able to in some time as well.

I am sorry that you might have to move. I really am, because I know the pain the thought triggers. Don't lose your spirit. Your girls will be able to handle it, young children often accept changes easier than adults do. And as you said, home is a place where the family is. It depends on who you're with more than the place you're in. Still, I understand it would be devastating if you lost your home, as I am just as scared to lose mine.
I hope things work out well for you and your family so you can get a clean divorce. Fight for your girls, they are worth the struggle, and don't let yourself be subdued by your former partner. Best of luck!

Chilli: I agree with the other person who posted a message. My parents divorced when I was 19 and my brother, 17. I told my daughter, who was 18 when my ex left just to enjoy her life and not get wrapped up in any of our drama, which wasn't much, but there was a lot when my parents divorced. The house was sold when my brother went off to college. I got married and the house was offered to me but it needed too much work. There was hate mail for years going back and forth between future stepparents/stepparents and my Dad kept asking "have you heard from your mother"?. Don't allow them to put you in the middle. Make a life for yourself. My brother got an off campus apartment with many roommates as soon as he could in college. I got my own apartment when I was 22. Also, to make matters worse, my mom became an alcoholic when I was a teen and didn't stop drinking until she was 83. You and your Dad can spend time together as men when you can. I have been in and out of counseling for many years. I wish you the best and enjoy yourself, your life and the traveling. Take it from an over 50 yr. old and her brother who have been there when we were your age.

Lara, thank you so much for your advice!
I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. It's just terrible what a divorce can do to people. So many changes, so much struggling, neverending fights... it's almost as if you never knew a person. Still, it sounds as if your better now and I'm hoping that's the case.
Luckily, I'm not caught up in between them anymore. I've become independent, and I try to make the best of my situation and get over it. Maybe one day I'll be able to forget everything that happened, but even now, I'm fine. Still, there is a wall between my mother and the rest of the family, and sometimes, there are ugly comments. I try to stay out of it, but I had to discover that I didn't know my mother half as good as I thought.

I'm walking down my own path now. Going abroad is something I decided all by myself and only told my family about when it was official. I'm planning to move out once I'm studying as well. The good connection with my dad is something I will cherish throughout my life, and I'll never let go of it. I know I have his support in everything I do. I will not let myself be taken down by anything anymore.
Thank you again. It's good to hear there are people who experienced the same.