I will try to make this as short as possible. Been together almost 11 years, married 2015. C left to train for a job at the end of October 2016 and would be gone for months returning home full time March 1st 2017. On April 23rd 2017 he leaned over to kiss me and I stopped him, asked him to tell me whatever it was because things had not been the same between us. He said he did a bunch of cocaine while away and cheated on me 3 times with 2 different females. I took 30 days and decided on counseling to save my marriage. During this time there were continued lies by C about going out, an admitted porn addiction, and he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. His dad was dying and even the therapist suggested not leaving. On October 6th 2018 he never came home. I was calling jails and hospitals and when I finally got ahold of him he said he was drugged. Turns out he dropped around $1000 in a strip club on dances and cocaine. He then disappeared for days and I found out he checked into a hotel, his job was calling me looking for him. It was at that moment i decided i have done all i can do and i filed for divorce. We are waiting for a hearing and "living" in the same home. I now found out he is on a dating site.
Why does this bother me? It's my decision to leave and I know that it is best but it breaks my heart to see this person I have loved become someone I don't know. It also kills me to see him act as if the past 11 years have meant nothing to him. How do you change your mindset? How do you process the pain and the change without letting it crush you? Any advice would help tremendously.
Hi,
I feel your pain! The reason why it bothers you is that you still love him. Maybe you aren't in love with him or his behavior, but you still have feelings. You can't just turn those feelings off, no matter how hard you try. Many people in your situation would feel the same. I am recently coming to terms with the fact that my husband wants to separate, and while I accept his decision, thinking about him with someone else hurts so much. My advice would be to maybe talk to him and create some ground rules if you are living together at the moment. Maybe he can wait to date until you fully separate. Also, ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed.
Hudson: After my divorce, I was involved with someone who was bipolar (now deceased). It was chaotic. I have also had two neighbors with this affliction - long story. It is a horrible thing to have for them and for those around them. It takes time to get through something like this - two years on average. Spend time with supportive friends and/or family over coffee or just conversation and focus on taking good care of yourself. If you don't already have a Lawyer, get one. Take care.