Hi there. I'm hoping to get some advice and/or different perspectives on ongoing issues that I have dealing with my ex. My ex and I share a 7 1/2 yr old daughter together. We broke up quite abruptly about 6 1/2 years ago when he assaulted me (2nd physical incident and much verbal abuse prior to this). He was charged, now has a criminal record (wasn't his first offense, which I learned after the fact), and had a restraining order put in effect against him. His take was that he shouldn't have done what he did but that I have issues. Obviously it was difficult to co-parent at that time but he had a partner until 2 years ago (who I really liked), they were together for 4 years and she was really good at being the go-between. To my dismay, her and my ex broke up 2 years ago (she disclosed to me a number of not-so-good things that happened over the course of their relationship) and this break-up sent him into a downward spiral of depression, suicidal talk, rolling his transport truck then going on disability, living out of his truck, going into excessive debt and starting/stopping his depression/anxiety meds on a constant basis. The past 2 years has been hell to say the least.

Despite this, I think we do OK in many ways when it comes to co-parenting. If he is feeling off (or really down) then he will ask if she can stay with me on his night or weekend. Sometimes he'll reschedule, sometimes not, and I typically will rearrange my schedule to make it work. When she didn't want to stay with him overnight he would drop her off and pick her up the next day on his weekends. He was back to work last summer and started paying some child support again so that was a bonus. And he moved into an apartment back in Dec so he was no longer living out of his truck. He finally had a place he could take our daughter to instead of either taking her to the coffee shop or dinner at my mom's on his night or weekend. He'll tell me about starting/stopping his meds which is a good thing but when I tell him how it's so not good for him to do that and he should be talking to his doctor about it, he ignores me.

And there are also many areas where things aren't so good. Because of the fact that I keep our daughter's well-being at the forefront of my brain and don't want her to be stressed or affected by this, I find that often I'm being taken advantage of and letting myself be stepped on. I have tried to put boundaries in place. I've asked for notice when he wants to change his schedule but this rarely happens. I could tell him I'm busy but the fact is, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her with me anyways. So I usually say the same thing. Yes, I can do this but please give me more notice next time. It never happens. Which yes, I get why it then keeps happening. He is intermittently late with drop-offs where he will text when she is supposed to be home and say "We are just leaving now." and arrive 30 min - 1 hour later. A number of times he was supposed to pick her up at a certain time (and I had to leave for work) and he was late. Finally one morning, I just brought her with me to work (they have child-minding) and said he could pick her up there if he wanted to see her, which he did but was annoyed with.

He's been diagnosed with depression, PTSD and anxiety, as well as some characteristics on the axis 2 but doesn't seem to stick with a counselor for any period of time. He isn't currently seeing one despite having a really heart wrenching upbringing. His ex told me that one of his counselors stopped seeing him and she suspected it was due to him not being forthright. Right now he just sees his doctor for getting meds.

I currently have a counselor and have seen a few over the years and they have helped put things in perspective and given me many tips on dealing with him, while trying to keep my sanity. Lately, my counselor has strongly suggested arranging a drop-off or pick-up at a third party like children services which is only 10 min away. Her latest take is that every time he drops off our daughter (especially when late) it is a trigger for stress for me and that in itself may not be a good thing for our daughter to be around. In addition t his constantly last minute schedule changes, she feels that could be adding to why our daughter has been much more emotional lately. She also feels he won't be late if there is a third party involved and I agree with her on that as he never likes to look bad to others.

I am torn between keeping the peace for our daughter's sake and also trying to make sure I'm not being stepped on. I see who he is and know that he is extremely manipulative. He knows how to work people. He acts as if we are best friends and will ask my advice on things etc. Yet he never takes the advice. He'll be a jerk with his text one day and then really nice the next. Right now he contacts me often to tell me things like how busy work is, or he's really tired and I'll usually respond with one word answers or not at all. I try to keep our contact at a minimum as he is a very toxic person. I want him to be healthy and happy for our daughter though, as that is what's best for her. I'm trying to do my best and checked my ego at the door a long time ago, but I think in doing that I'm also throwing my own self-care out the window. The part I struggle with is that he has nobody right now. I know that's not my problem and it is his own fault he is where he is but I worry he will go back to not working or the suicide talk if someone isn't there. He doesn't have much family around - his mom is homeless and addicted to drugs and his dad died of cancer 6 years ago. His sister has on-off problems with drugs and lives 5 hours away. The family he does have nearby he avoids, even though they have messaged me to ask how he is and tell him they care about him.

Another issue lately has been that he has taken our daughter a couple of times along with him when he's driving a transport truck. In the past, he has shown me pictures of awful accidents and he is often the first on the scene for these, so when I express my discontent about her going along he says that when he brings her he takes a different route. He says she is buckled into the back while sleeping. That is beside the fact that I don't think her driving overnight with him while he is supposed to be working is the place for a 7 1/2 year old kid. What if she wakes up when he is inside at his destination? Do other moms/dads do this and I'm being overprotective?

And yet another issue is his involvement with my parents. I am hugely grateful to my parents for their involvement and the fact it has made things easier for our daughter. My mom is very christian-minded and says she does it for her granddaughter. But that in itself is messed up. Even now that he has an apartment, he still goes to dinner at my parents with our daughter 1-3 times/week. He has helped my mom with a few things around the house (even though she could ask my brother or someone else) and he just had a birthday dinner there last week where she bought him a gift. I just find this really messed up. I strongly feel that now that he is working and has a place that he shouldn't be spending as much time with our daughter there. He should be making dinners for her himself. That's not to say he couldn't go for the occasional dinner at my parents, but I don't feel that my mom needs to be involved so much anymore and knowing how toxic this man is, I wish his involvement in our lives was at a minimum. I feel like my mom enables his behavior at times. But my mom says she does it because she knows her granddaughter will get a home cooked healthy meal this way and also will be in a warm and loving environment. She also feels that he listens to her which is funny because he still continues to disrespect me in many ways, of which she is aware. One evening she even vented to me quite upset that he hadn't told her he wasn't coming to dinner (which he has done a few times to her) and I told her to tell him that it wasn't acceptable. I have expressed my concerns to her about him being there so much and it hasn't changed so I have asked her to keep me out of the loop about him going there since I don't want to know. She doesn't understand my discontent and this obviously drives a bit of a wedge in her and my relationship.

My boyfriend of two years is silently seething through this all. He thinks that my ex is a manipulative self-absorbed jerk and can't believe that my parents have opened their home to him. He says that were he's from, family would beat the crap out of that kind of a person to teach him a lesson and would never put up with the crap that he dishes out. He wants to beat the crap out of him but wouldn't do so because of how it could affect my daughter. And I did contact my lawyer last summer for a consult so that I could be charged $500 to be told to keep doing what I'm doing, and if there is an immediate threat (like a suicide claim etc) to call the police. Super! My current counselor got child services involved last summer when I disclosed about his suicide threats and some of his behavior etc. which was fine by me. They did an investigation, meeting with my ex and I separately and closed the case. They told me to keep doing what I'm doing and to contact them if ever needed. I don't know the nature of his meeting with them but I think they might have provided resources on finding an apartment.

Well if you have lasted this long through this extremely long read, do you have any tips on dealing with this kind of an ex? Am I being selfish to not want my parents involved so much with this man, knowing what he is about? How do I navigate through this, trying to keep my daughter out of the stress but also trying to make sure that my own needs are being met? How do I enforce the boundaries when they aren't being met?

Thank you for your time.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. My experience is not the same (I stayed married and am working towards divorce only now) but similar undertones. My H. suffers from a range of mental issues adhd/depression/bipolar and a host of inter-related health problems that impact his ability to function, maintain a job (he is out of work right now), and his behavior towards the kids was inconsistent. When I told him to leave he "attempted" an overdose at home. I think to make us all "feel sorry" which was always part of his suicide allusions. He was not what I would say was a loving parent, he could be supportive or just dismissive, again inconsistent, and the kids have grown to feel that it is always about him.

We want to protect our children and do this in the ways that we best know how given the situation. But in this situation seems you also feel like we have to be fair, acknowledge the times when the other parent is active and engaged and are actually co-parenting. I get that, I understand that, and I deferred to that when we we separated earlier in our marriage when the kids were younger. My biggest take away that I see now with my kids who are young adults and what impacted so much of their adolescence was the inconsistencies that they experienced from him dramatically affected their sense of security. Did not matter how much I "held up the fort" maintained daily life, and activities and all, it still impacted them and it shows up in corners of their life. I fee like I did not do enough to protect them in my efforts to support him.

On the upside he does not live with you, on the down side, his inconsistency will still likely have an impact on your daughter. What can you do, you don't want to put the weight of the world on her, but you can't make her responsible for reporting in to you either. Though the dynamic with your parents is a little strange and certainly a huge assumption on his part, it may give your daughter a sense of security and consistency. Maybe he should do it a little bit less, but it is another pair of ears and eyes on his behavior and interaction with your daughter if his past includes abusive behavior. If he stopped taking her there, that would be suspect. I KNOW having family involved in your life that way can be equally taxing but it is working right now.

Sounds like you do have to set some boundaries, but tricky as to again not put your daughter in the middle. I think the idea of bringing a third party is hard and you will have to gauge if that makes your daughter feel more shuffled around, but that is an area where you can help her understand how important it is for someone to be dependable. I think a lot of people will tell you to keep a record (even though we have those in our head). He is not going to listen to your concerns or point of view, as you mentioned he does not listen and does not appreciate your flexibility and probably does not ever consider how it all impacts you. I think you have to set your parameters, can you get him to sign an updated "informal" agreement about the smaller issues of pick up/drop off/cancellation, can you drill down into what is considered affecting a child's welfare and then keep barking at the services available to you? Can you get your mom to really notice and record his behavior, ie when he goes to her house, does he sort of shift the care of your daughter to them? If he continues to improve that would be wonderful, but the unfortunate truth in many of these situations is that there are so many triggers that could set him back and you may be left trying to explain to your daughter why he has "disappeared" or abandoned her.

Good luck in your efforts.