Divorce finalized in December 2018, 29 years of marriage and I cannot stop thinking about him. I miss him like crazy. My heart is aching just about every day. He wanted out, he is suffering from mental illness at least a part of the problem. He’s told our daughter fabricated stories about our past. Which we both made some mistakes, young and dumb.he has told he in the past couple of years I’ve been sleeping with a person which I far from the truth. I don’t know this person on a personal level. I was his children’s teacher. I was accused of staying late to see this person or claiming I had a training to see this person. I didn’t find about this crazy thinking until I spoke with my daughter. I thought we had moved on to a happier place until he started suffering from depression and I do believe he’s is or was addicted to prescription pain killers.
He claimed our relationship was toxic mind you we never fought a day in our marriage. I didn’t think we were toxic just both going through somethings and couldn’t connect due to the fact we needed something from the other which they couldn’t give or didn’t want to give. Plus the stress of my job put me in a Great Depression. I’m still depressed more than ever now because I’m lonely and I want him back at least that’s what I think. I respect him as the head of our house. I do believe he was talking or in a relationship with someone. I just want to just die some days.
Can someone give me some answers because I feel I’m losing it. Iovebhim but hate him at the same time if that makes sense. I’m 😭 and hurting.

Hi Stuck,

I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I identify with what you've said because I am also having trouble moving on. It's why I turned to this website tonight. Sixteen months ago my husband of 30 years told me he wanted to pursue a relationship with an old girlfriend, who had tried to insert herself into our marriage over a period of many years. She is a marriage counselor: no kidding. Last year (after our big 30-year anniversary trip) he told our three adult children, "She told me she loved me for 30 years." I thought he'd lost it, then in therapy learned about narcissists. I so know what you mean about loving him and hating him in the same breath. I told him the girlfriend would be great for about six months, telling him how wonderful he was (who doesn't want that) and then it would fall apart. That's just about what happened. He is a writer, well-known in our small community and is back to writing with references to his "ex" and how he is suddenly single, with of course no reference to the girlfriend. It is so painful. He and I built a unique life together. The relationship had problems, particularly communication, but at the core I loved him very much and still miss him so much. He is not a bad person, just very self involved. I probably should have left years ago ... Alcoholism was a factor for years ... I suffered from depression as well ... We carry so many things from the past into our present, and if we're very fortunate can get help via therapy and kind friends willing to listen. The hurting, I have found, comes in waves and crashes upon me when I least expect it. The latest was learning that my siblings are socializing with him. They apparently are more forgiving than I. If I had known how much this would hurt, I would have been so much kinder and reached out more to friends who went through divorce. I just never imagined this level of hurt, nor did I think it would happen to me, two days away from our planned retirement trip. We were in business together; I was left to wrap up everything. When you sleep next to the same person and juggle your lives together for three decades, how can it not be a tremendous loss? For me it was being tossed into the ocean so far out of my depth and far from any shore I could see. Please just know that there are other people out here who are going through something much like you are. I try to remind myself that I'm worthy of respect, and worthy of love, and that's the starting point for the future. We all, I figure, are doing the best we can in the face of our deficits whatever they may be, of character, addiction, etc. and it's amazing that most of us make it through at all. But I hope you know that other people do care, and would care if they only knew, and that therapy and friends can make a huge difference as you move to your future shore where you will feel good again, and can regain some balance and beauty that you so deserve.

Suzie and Stuck:
Thank you both for posting. You have both helped me tonight more than you know. My husband and I were together over 30 years. To go forward without him on many days, quite honestly, is a relief. But then on other days I'm haunted by regret, guilt, feelings of failure, etc. and a nagging wish that I could take back all of the missteps and mistakes that I made. Especially for the sake of my kids, who are now suffering the fallout. Hence, the guilt.
I too went through a stage in the end with my ex when he accused me of having an outside relationship even though that wasn't truly the case. I did talk to another person, mainly because my ex suffered from depression and couldn't/wouldn't connect with any of us, myself or my kids for a long time. He shut me out and despite my attempts to get him to reconnect or at least get therapy to help figure out how to improve things, he wouldn't try. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone in the throes of depression when their depression manifests in anger, mistrust, and disconnection. Only THEY can change and improve that. If they choose not to, as my ex did after years of trying/pleading/begging, in the end you can only decide if you're going to accept it or move on. At some point you have to pull yourself out of the dysfunction and realize that you deserve better, and that being alone may be much better.
I hear what you are saying about siblings and their relationship with an ex. Ouch. That has been the case for me as well, siblings and also parents being cordial and in contact with my ex. They loved him and honestly at times made me feel I was crazy to leave him. Even though I know it's the right thing for them to be cordial or warm with him, it makes me feel so betrayed. That hurts like crazy because in the end I need/want them to remove him from their lives as I'm trying to do, and wrap their arms around me, as irrational as that may be. But that may never be the case.
In the end we have to hold tight to the people and the small joys now that are positive and keep us going. It's one day at a time. And we'll get there, I'm sure. In time. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.