I’ve only been married for a year and this is my second marriage (we knew each other for 3 years prior). It seems like things immediately changed as soon as we got married, he started becoming controlling, agitated, destructive, and violent. He has never hit me but he has destroyed furniture and made verbal threats. His behavior escalated for awhile and then seemed to subside, and he has not had any major incidents in a few months. I really thought things were getting better. But still when he gets angry there is a lot of namecalling and hurtful words. My biggest fear though is for my pets. He pretended to love dogs when we met, I eventually grew to know he merely tolerated them, and only recently became aware of his full blown hatred of them and vivid fantasies of killing any animal that ****** him off. He also quit his job shortly after we married, to “start his own business” which I then learned in his mind meant sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. I did a lot of start-up advertising for him and put a lot of my own money into the business while continuing to be sole provider and paying for the house we just bought. I had never really asked him to contribute financially while we were dating because I wanted him to focus on his truck payments and child support. But he we talked about the future, and he said he wanted to help out. We talked about having a family someday and my dream of getting to stay home for at least a year or so to raise a child. Now I feel like the past year of my life has been spent raising my immature husband. He’s been making barely enough to maintain his own expenses, basically just going and trying to find work whenever he’s hard up for money. Most days I come home and he’s too high and drunk to even talk to from his day of sitting in his man cave that I bought him and “running his business”. Sometimes he can be really sweet, and he’ll do and say the nicest things, but lately I’ve been feeling like his actions don’t match up to his words and that they never will. Today when I got home from work he drunkenly started talking about having a kid, and when are we gonna do that. I explained again that we need to be in a better financial situation and that I don’t want to be working all the time like I am now. Things quickly took a turn south, he started getting belligerent telling me to **** off, that he’s gonna be a stay at home daddy and I just need to shut my pretty little mouth and keep making that money, that I need to shut the **** up about how stressful my cushy little office job is, and how he could never be the breadwinner cause I live in nastiness and he’d be coming home everyday to a filthy house and would have to end up killing me. So he’s never gonna step up to the plate and I’m just gonna have to keep working to support him and eventually a kid. I’m feeling so hurt and confused, and feeling like I can’t go on like this. But in his mind, it’s no big deal. He just gets mad/drunk and says horrible things like this laughs at my tears, apologizes later, and expects it all to just be forgotten. But just because he apologizes and starts sweet talking again, doesn’t mean that that’s not all true. Our future and the state of our marriage has been on my mind a lot lately and I feel like it’s just all crumbling down. I’ve let him back in so many times I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I used to have “deal-breakers” in a relationship, now I just have lines drawn in the sand that have been crossed and erased more times than I can count. I’m feeling so hurt and confused and I don’t know where to turn, I just had to get things off my chest.
Get help and if that doesn’t work, start putting money aside for a divorce. I’ve been with my soon to be ex husband for 14yrs. Your story sounds like mine and it’s only getting worse. If you wait too long who knows how it wil escalate and you will have this bondage. You will start to believe his demeaning words and he’s past the point Of respecting you. Bringing children into it will only make it worse. It not too late. I wish I would have stepped away when I saw the first signs....but then I got pregnant and sooo wanted to have a family. Now I have a broken one...