My husband of 14 years sent me a text last Sunday to say that he wants a “time out” from our marriage. He has accepted a job that requires 8 months of training out of state (without consulting me), wants to separate our finances, and would like the option to “flirt with and touch” other people while he is gone. We have a 12 year old son together.

The past week has been a roller coaster to say the least. I moved in with my parents nearby, and our son has been spending evenings and nights with me (his choice although I have encouraged him to spend time with his dad). My husband has been texting me and our friends to say that my parents are brainwashing me and asking them to help get me to move back home. Of course, this is far from the truth and I am grateful for their support.

Tonight, I took our son home so he could play video games with his dad and things went even further south - I managed to stay 100% calm while again denying his request that I move back in, which infuriated my husband. He bawled and cried, yelled at me, threatened suicide (for the second time this week), and then suddenly ran to the basement. Afraid he was headed to grab a gun, I took our son and ran, calling the cops for a welfare check. He is now texting our son directly to tell him he is disappointed in me for leaving when he was upset and asking him to come over tomorrow. SIGH.

My husband has diagnosed PTSD and deals with severe depression and anxiety. His behavior of late seems to indicate a more serious mental problem - this is all very unlike his usual behavior.

Two questions:
1) As we are not yet legally separated, how do I handle visits
between my ex and our child in the meantime? I don’t feel comfortable having him around our son alone while he seems so unstable, and clearly my presence is a trigger for him.
2) Am I a horrible person to be ready to divorce and end this? This isn’t the first time his mental health has caused marital stress, and I have reached a point where I’m ready to move on. I don’t have the energy to “fix him” anymore. At the same time I feel guilty, thinking that divorce truly could make his problems worse ... and I want him to be there for our child.

Looking for any advice or perspective from those of you in the trenches or on the other side! Thanks.

First let me say I am so sorry you are going through this, it is the pits on any front but dealing with somebody who has behavioral and mental problems puts a different twist on things.
You are very smart to leave and it is great that you have a place where you can stay and maintain stability and security for your son. The impact of someone who is struggling with PTSD and or mental health issues is considerable on children. My own experience is that I stayed for too long and my children are older now but certainly there are residual resentments. My husband had a severe breakdown a number of years ago and I did not leave because much of it was guilt and, of course some of it was my fear of the financial impact .
Though he has not had a consistent salary for any of that time. In December of this year I told him to leave after a tumultuous few months, He attempted an overdose, went in patient, I said he could not come home after that, he lived with relatives he was gone for six months....told daughter he was living out of his car and just walked back in my house yesterday. I have not done anything because he needs my insurance and now i am the biggest idiot because this still impacts my children who are older but still home, and me and that I cannot make him leave. While he was gone I was hoping they would have a relationship with him, but the problem is that it takes their energy and always needing them to acknowledge Him in a way that is beyond the normal dynamic. I think I kept avoiding the uncomfortable feelings and still have so much guilt but the Angst, and drama and the uncertainty will wreak Havoc with your health and your mind. In some ways it may be better for him because your message and plan will be clear and if he is moving away it could make a transition more doable. just take the first step even if you have to do it in Little Steps start with an attorney consultation or go to your local woman's Justice you can give you advice or find a group of people who are divorcing so you can get some support to move in the best direction for you.