My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and about 6 years ago I had an affair. He found out and we went through the mud but came out on top. Then, a couple of years later we both started not putting the time into each other. So, I did it again about 10 months ago. I told him and although he says he forgives me I know he’ll never forget. I’m in therapy now and I’ve learned that I’ve got some deeper issues I need to deal with. I was too young when I married him. I didn’t know myself enough, and I barely know myself now. My emotions are too connected to his and I punish myself when he’s upset... literally. It’s not healthy. He’s willing to work it out he says. But I can’t ask that of him. So, today I told him I need space to work on me. He can’t go on with me not knowing 100% I’m committed to the marriage. I can’t commit because I’m not sure if this is going to continue to be a toxic relationship on both sides. I’m very scared that I’m leaving my marriage for selfish reasons. Conversely, am I just staying for financial security, emotional support, auto-pilot reasons and to avoid stigma?

You can still be married and have time to work on yourself in therapy, or you could get a separation. It is not selfish to consider divorce if you don't feel it is working and you are cheating with people. Something inside you is not being met, or you feel you need more than what you are getting out of this relationship. If you can afford therapy I would try that before divorce. You don't want to second-guess your choice to divorce.

I’m in therapy and just trying to go one day at a time. I thank all that’s good for my husband. He still wants to work on us so I am trying to stick it out. Thanks for your reply

I can say, having been on the other side of a marriage where my spouse’s go to behavior, is running away from closeness and intimacy and from walking in the commitment you made to the marriage, I can say that it feels very unfair—that a spouse could do something to defile that commitment, and then insist on taking even more “space” to work on everything but our marriage. I believe it IS selfish, in a sense, to marry another person, and when things get hard. run the other way to attend to YOUR needs, and just forget about theirs.

I think it is easier for women to justify taking all the space they want, when in reality, that’s just a euphemism for not being willing to be there for your spouse.

If the shoe had been on the other foot, and your spouse had cheated, or distanced himself from you in some way, you might be justified in putting more distance between you, but I think that if you cheat on another person, and then they love you enough to want to work it out, anyway, you sort of owe it to them to show THEM that they’re also worth it to you, instead of using YOUR transgression as an excuse to do something even more hurtful.

You are already married to this person, and if you want to stay that way or think you do, you’re not going to figure anything out by hitting the pause button on your marriage and re-evaluating that commitment anytime something feels hard. You have nothing to lose by staying there and staying committed. If it doesn’t work. You can always leave. But there’s no sense in leaving, just to figure out whether or not you want to be married to him. Because you already are.

Your thought on it’s easier for women to take space while forgetting their spouses needs hit home for me. I’ve always put him first in everything, and he took for so long I lost who I was. That’s also something that women tend to do, but I went to the opposite end of the spectrum just to feel something different.

And he has said that me leaving hurts him more than the transgression itself but I’ve convinced myself that he, and sometimes this world, is better without me. I’m currently working on these issue in therapy.

We are still married and hopefully he stays gracious as we work on me/us together. Thank you for your response.

I can say, having been on the other side of a marriage where my spouse’s go to behavior, is running away from closeness and intimacy and from walking in the commitment you made to the marriage, I can say that it feels very unfair—that a spouse could do something to defile that commitment, and then insist on taking even more “space” to work on everything but our marriage. I believe it IS selfish, in a sense, to marry another person, and when things get hard. run the other way to attend to YOUR needs, and just forget about theirs.

I think it is easier for women to justify taking all the space they want, when in reality, that’s just a euphemism for not being willing to be there for your spouse.

If the shoe had been on the other foot, and your spouse had cheated, or distanced himself from you in some way, you might be justified in putting more distance between you, but I think that if you cheat on another person, and then they love you enough to want to work it out, anyway, you sort of owe it to them to show THEM that they’re also worth it to you, instead of using YOUR transgression as an excuse to do something even more hurtful.

You are already married to this person, and if you want to stay that way or think you do, you’re not going to figure anything out by hitting the pause button on your marriage and re-evaluating that commitment anytime something feels hard. You have nothing to lose by staying there and staying committed. If it doesn’t work. You can always leave. But there’s no sense in leaving, just to figure out whether or not you want to be married to him. Because you already are.