Ramblings of a Divorcee:
Ramblings, because I am not a writer and tend to speak in a stream of conscious, disjointed, tangential ADD kind of way. Divorcee, because after 16 years of marriage (age 21-37) I have now been divorced for 5 years.
I am writing this because I spent hours and hours reading blog posts, listening to TED talks, reading books and generally getting advice from all kinds of sources over the last 5 years and appreciated every one of those sources. Some things resonated with me, some did not. I want to pay that favor forward and maybe someone will benefit from this.
We are all unique, and my story is just one of millions that are all slightly different, yet also the same when it boils down to it. Also, there is a paucity of self-help books related to one’s unique situation and hearing other people’s stories are the only ways we hear a little of that uniqueness. Trust me, there are no self-help books about how to divorce a narcissistic, emotionally abusive, jobless husband that has been having an affair with his first cousin, who is 16 years younger than him, for the last 5 years (since she was 17) while still working full time as a professional woman. But sharing that story isn’t going to help you (it may help me).
This is the advice I would give myself if I could go back in time and find myself 3 weeks after I found out my now ex-husband was cheating on me. I choose 3 weeks, because that first few weeks was mostly just shell shock and disbelief and then the desire to work things out ending in depression, when the real work began.
Firstly, it’s not your fault. You feel guilty, you feel like a failure, you feel like this is all your fault. “If only you could’ve done something differently it would have worked out.” It’s what you feel, but it’s not the truth. This probably took me the longest to get over, when others talk about needing to forgive I always thought that it was meant to forgive your ex, in my case it was forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for failing at marriage, forgiving myself for not recognizing it sooner, forgiving myself for not doing more about it when I did recognize signs were all hard work for me. As for forgiving your ex, I’m not sure I will ever forgive him for lying to me for so long. The cheating I can forgive, the emotional abuse, I cannot.
You were emotionally abused. It took me a very long time to recognize this. I looked up gaslighting on Wikipedia then watched “Stepford Wives” to get a handle on it. I still didn’t believe that was me for a long time. Gaslighting is manipulating someone psychological until they question their own reality/sanity. It took me a long time to recognize this because I questioned my own reality, go figure. I still don’t think my ex started doing it intentionally, it just happened, then he got really good at it intentionally. The cruelest thing my ex ever did to me was lie to me for so long, I presume at least 5 years, maybe 15. This was the hardest part to get through, it really hurts your self-worth and does make you question who you are. Most of my journaling was trying to figure out who I was. Previously I defined myself by my marriage. I had to really think about basic things, like “is my favorite color really Green?”
You are a strong, independent, beautiful, young, intelligent, active woman, and you are worth being loved. My self-esteem hit an all-time low 5-6 weeks after “Disillusionment Day” as I call it. I was suicidal. Thankfully I had my mom there and I also spoke with my boss (who also happened to be a trained professional and my friend) who helped me turn the corner on that dark day. I started seeing my new therapist (I had to go through 1 bad-for-me therapist before finding her) once weekly and kept that up for several months. No matter how much you were hurt by the person you loved the most, there are people out there that LOVE you. Your ex already moved on months to years ago, so his seeming nonchalance is because he may have gone through some of this turmoil months ago (or he is a slime mold, also very possible). Talk to people who do love you, they will support you through this, now is the time to depend on them.
You will find love again. It takes time. You will have to spend time alone. Dating after being off the market for years is really hard (despite the new apps and websites that didn’t exist in the 1990’s). I did read that post-divorce sex is the best sex ever – I can verify that this is true. I also heard that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Not the worst advice either. Just… be careful. Dating is like a roller coaster compared to marriage which is more like those antique cars that you have to drive slowly and keep on track. Enjoy dating while you can. There will be higher highs, and lower lows, but it is fun, and eventually you will meet the right man. I honestly can’t remember being loved for all that I am, flaws and all, by my ex. My new husband makes me feel happy, worthy, and truly loved. He also notes that the bar was set so low that you’d have to dig down to trip over it. You’ll find the right time to go from single and independent to dating again, or it may find you. My therapist once told me to “Stop beating your head against the empty vending machine and walk down the hallway to the cafeteria full of options.” You are worthy of true love.
Give it time. “Time heals all wounds”. Meh – I have a giant scar, and it weeps at the corners off and on… but it does get better. But don’t give yourself a timeline that you must be better by a certain time. Parts of you will never be better, other parts will be better than ever before. Don’t prescribe yourself 1 year of being single or dating or anything really, everyone is different. Don’t feel bad that it’s taking you longer to recover, don’t feel bad if you move on quickly or have a bumpy road with some setbacks.
There’s a million ways to get through this. All are listed on the internet and books and everywhere, just find what is right for you. The things I found useful were seeing a therapist, getting a good divorce lawyer, journaling, eating healthy, exercise, sleeping, listening to music, talking to friends, family and sometimes strangers, getting sunshine outside, having a younger man be my “friends with benefits” no-strings attached rebound relationship which was mostly sex, talking with him listening, and crying on his shoulder (got super lucky with that one, he’ll make a good husband someday), and sharing my story with others.
Don’t forget to eat. I lost 20lbs in a month, and I was thin to begin with. Retraining my GI tract to accept food took a lot of Maalox and eating packets of baby food (which took me over an hour for one pouch). Avoid juice, it’s easy to get calories, but in 3 days you’ll understand what a juice cleanse is. Try to get good sleep. I hated Ambien, I felt like a zombie and it wasn’t giving me actual sleep anyway. I took Melatonin 10mg and Benadryl 50mg nightly (probably for about a year before I was finally able to taper off). Avoid wallowing endlessly. It was pretty normal for me to lay in the dark in bed for hours just crying and holding a teddy bear. It was pretty ugly, but eventually that gets shorter and turns into you-tubing TED talks about divorce, reading articles and self-help books, talking to friends, and eventually going outside and going for runs, and pulling myself out of it.
A good divorce lawyer is worth the money. I regret not fighting the amount of spousal support I had to pay. My state is a no-fault state, thus all of our assets were divided 50:50, which I think is reasonable. My ex had a college degree, but no job. I knew I had to pay spousal support, but the amount is crazy flexible, and there are no great guidelines. Child support is easy and by the book. I, thankfully, had no children, especially given my incestuous pedophile ex. In retrospect I should have spent more time (and thus more money) with my lawyer to figure out the spousal support. I would have had a net outcome of a lot less money to the ex, and, by comparison, a little tiny bit more money to the lawyer. It’s not about the money so much as about feeling defeated over him winning. Getting it done quickly (mine took 3 months, which is kinda record time) is also worth something. Once it is done, avoid perseverating on the details and move on. The reason divorce is so expensive is that it’s worth it.
Make a bucket list of single girl things you want to do – one night stands, go on a solo (no kids, no friends, no boys) vacation, learn something new, drink a bottle of wine and eat ice cream for dinner, re-decorate your space to reflect you as an individual, spend an entire day in bed crying, run a 5k race for a silly medal, go out clubbing with girlfriends, flirt with a guy at the grocery store, try Tinder, pursue your dreams, talk to your divorced friends, give advice to a friend going through divorce, write a blog post about divorce, listen to Divorce Party on Spotify, Burn photos of him and the mistress if possible, see a psychic and get your cards read, find the humor in your situation (incest jokes abound) I still laugh every time I hear “family comes first,” have a mantra (mine was “Simply, Slowly, In the Moment, and Gratefully.” It’s also good to have a go-to song, mine was “So What” by Pink.
“A life well lived is the best revenge.” My new husband reminds me of this when I start getting frustrated again. Live your life to the fullest. Your soon to be ex-husband is holding you back from your true potential. You’ve GOT This!!

BEAUTIFUL ❤️
Thank you.

I wish it was that simple for me. I have two kids and my husband does not want to let go. He is a good man, a great man but I just don’t love him anymore. We’re telling the kids this weekend about the divorce and I’m very nervous about this. But I refuse to keep faking a happy marriage, I lost myself trying to save it and now I’m in the process of finding myself again.
I really prefer to be alone then to be with someone I don’t love.
Thanks again for your post.

My best wishes for you...

Hi, Just a quick note to thank you for what you have shared here. After a lot of months of improvement I'm finding myself on the precipice of a divorce which will require an international move and a major life restart. I'm not sure I'm up for it. At all. But wanted to thank you for cheering me up a bit and giving me some hope to work with for the next short while. Thank you.

Thank you, you don't know how much I needed to hear this at the moment. I'm happy for your healing and wish you the best.