I am so confused and need some advice here and I think it needs to start with the back story, here we go.

Last June my wife of 16 years told me she needed space. We had been together for a total of 20 years, we had 3 kids together and she was a stay at home mom for 13 years and had been back to work for 1.5 years at that point. We relocated to another state for my job 10 years prior.

I had been dealing with major depression for 3 years prior to this. I knew something was up but had no proof. Out of no where I get a communication from my the wife of her boss indicating that her husband and my wife were having an affair. I was provided proof that actually made me get sick, literally... I continually asked my wife to be honest with what was going on and she said , ' you think you know the truth but you don't. '

She had told her parents that she was having trouble in the marriage and her family continually told her that she needs to work at it. She told her mom that she ' got to close to her boss but nothing happened '... I knew it was a lie...

When she found out I knew she went off the deep end. I was continually told by close friends that it seems like she is setting you up, I was nieve and did not want to believe that the person I loved and cherished for so long could do that... Well she did. Unwarranted restraining order, called the crisis hotline and told them I was suicidal when I was not, played my emotions against me, even went as far as to tell her entire family and tons of people I was abusive to her and the kids. Told her family that ' we have been here in this state you don't know what is has been like...' She was good... She destroyed me to everyone.

She moved out during the restraining order period, her boss decided to work things out with his wife and she texted a friend of mine and said now she is lonely... She told me that too many relationships have been destroyed and this could never work. I told her she just needs to be honest with her family. She wouldn't do it..

She filed for child support and the court approved 50/50 custody. So during the year of seperation she knew that I would do anything to work on our marriage, told me to move on and she wanted it to be treat like business... During the year of seperation she continues to say hateful things to me, she once told me to kill myself so it would make her life easier. Would tell the kids horrendous things that were not true trying to alenate them from me. During this time, I kept to no communication unless it was about the kids. She has been dating several guys. Would indicate she was single on dating apps, would tell the oldest son about these guys.

With alot that was being done the kids started opening up to me, I would listen. I became concerned and they started to say the wanted to be with me. And with all that was going on it was the appropriate thing. Won't go into it all but, it was bad. The kids have no respect for mom and do not feel safe with her...This entire time I would not get within 4 feet of her, I cannot trust her intentions. Recorded all phone calls and interactions to protect myself.

So a couple of weeks ago I told her I wanted to meet and talk about possible changes to the parenting plan and that I would like for us to come to an agreement on to avoid nasty court battles. She dragged her feet, the required one year of seperation hits and then the week after that she agrees to meet. I told her that I wanted the boys to be with me more and as I was talking she started balling and said this.... ' This is not how I wanted our conversation to go today, not at all.. I wanted to let you know that I need more time that this year has allowed me to reflect, I miss you, I miss our family...' she then says ' get out of her, just get out of here.... Before I call the cops and get a restraining order.. '

What the heck. Is she sincere, why does it take a year? She is currently dating other guys, one of them was just at her apartment the week she told me this and the kids were there..... She agreed to meet me for lunch yesterday , it was good , went well and she said ' it is a good step in being civil for the kids.... ' what is really going on here? I am sorry but I don't think it should take a year, and if she truly missed me and needs more time why is she still seeing these guys...

Hi,

I’m so sorry for your situation. It must be really difficult to deal with someone like this. From my point of view, you shouldn’t even consider her back... If she is seeing other guys while this is happening, it can only mean she does not love you. If you end up with her again, what guarantees you she would not do this again? How can she make up all those lies about you and get a restraining order?

I cannot comprehend how someone could do this to the parent of your children, unless there were valid reasons.

Please work on yourself, on getting better emotionally and physically for your kids. Right now they only have you.
Love yourself and don’t loose your dignity.
I’m not saying you have to be mean or dirty to her. On the contrary, set the example of what a great parent should be like. Talk only good about her to the kids. And just make the most of it when you’re with them. Keep in constant communication with them when you’re not with them.

Read or listen to audiobooks, this has helped me a lot through this separation process. I just finished this audiobook called “Co-parenting Works” and tilts great, at the end it’s all about the kids.
And with this I don’t mean one should stay in a marriage “for the kids sake”, I’m a mother of two and after trying very hard to save my marriage and a depression ( my first one in my life) I decided I could not keep faking a happy marriage, when there is no love from my side. I was not being the mother I wanted for my kids.

Now, that I know and have received confirmation from My Heavenly Father that the best for the family is to separate and get I divorce is the best for all of us, I am at peace.
Although it is very hard to deal with, because he still loves me and doesn’t want this, I can’t keep faking a love that is not there.
I prefer to be alone then be with someone I don’t love and who deserves to be loved.

My best wishes for you..

@Headspin, I completely understand what you are going through and I believe you, because the same thing is happening to me. I haven’t had the courage to tell any real life people about it, other than my mother, in part because I am afraid people would have the same reaction that Luna did. Not that I necessarily blame her. I have worked directly with victims of domestic violence in the legal system through my job, and even having had exposure to a lot of really messed up relationship dynamics, I really don’t know that I would believe you or believe myself, if I wasn’t actually living through it.

My stbx wife, of 3 years, filed for divorce about a month ago, and in the process, requested and was granted, a no contact order that also prevented me from being able to even come back to my home. There were elements of truth in some of the things she said, which may be how she justified it to herself. (For instance, I HAVE talked about suicide when things have gotten desperate. But she doesn’t ever talk about all the things that were said and done, leading up to that point.) But she never would have gotten that order on the truth alone. She had to add other things, that were completely fabricated. Like, she claimed that I “emotionally abused her in front of her children.” I have never so much as raised my voice to her, or said an unkind word to her, in front of her children. Actually, we don’t even yell at each other behind closed doors. When I asked her how she could just sign her name to allegations that were totally false, she said that her lawyer told her she “had to” because it was “standard.”

It isn’t even the first time she has done something like this. It’s like
She has this pathological need to be seen as a victim. She did it with her ex, now it’s me, and if there’s another one after me, I’m sure it will be more of the same. It’s something I really wouldn’t believe if I hadn’t experienced. But since this has happened, I have been trying to make sense of it, and I keep coming across websites about borderline personality disorder. Some of the descriptions I have read in the last few weeks, have been uncanny. All of the behaviors that seemed so bizarre and nonsensical and self defeating, to me, are apparently classic symptoms that personality disordered individuals exhibit. I’m not a shrink, and it hasn’t solved anything for me, but reading about it has at least made me feel like I’m not the only one in the world whose is going through this. For what it’s worth.