My childhood was filled with love, vacations and rich family traditions. The loss of those traditions is what makes all of this so painful for me. I had never seen my parents argue, they held hands everywhere we went. Their love was life for me and my sister.

The Divorce

I’m a 41-year-old dealing with the divorce of my parents and the loss surrounding all that brings. My dad moved a state away and remarried an old college sweetheart within a year. She has no children of her own...which I know should help with many emotional isssues we adult children of divorce face...but it also means she is not maternal and does not care to build and maintain relationships with me and my sister or her grandchildren. She married my dad before they were born. They are her grandchildren. My dad loves us...but he has left us emotionally. He visits once a year and when we visit them we have to stay in a hotel. It’s incredible to think I can never stay at my dads house. How did this become my life, my world, my reality. My sister moved across the country. She has a wonderful life and I’m always proud of her and happy for her...but it’s another loss of physical closeness for both of us. My mom lives within 3 hours and she has a close relationship with me, my husband and her two granddaughters. She has just told me that she is moving to another state. She has lived alone for a long time, has dreams of being in warmer weather and wants to find more fulfillment. I am so happy she’s able to follow her dreams. The problem: loss. I feel so much loss. Family traditions shattered, long distance relationships, the yearning for family and closeness. My girls who don’t get to grow up with grandma, grandpa and auntie coming to their games. Meeting for breakfast or dinner or lunch. Every time I think about the loss tears come to my eyes. I’m an emotional person and tears annoy my family so I try to keep it to myself. I completely understand...I am too emotional! So much loss.

Hi Erika, My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I had a similar life like yours growing up. But my father is emotionally abusive to my mother. I really wish they had divorced long ago.

But here I am in my 30s now and newly-divorced. Emotionally abusive husband. My heart is broken into million pieces. My child will grow up alone without much contact from relatives and without a father. It is sad.

But I am going to be there for her. More importantly, I am going to teach her to live independently. To be happy in her own skin. To be confident and meet new friends. To find happiness from friends.

Sometimes, things happen in our life will be for own good. Please try to see the silver lining in this difficult situation.

Good luck! Peace!

Erica,
Your post was heartbreaking to me because I too love those family tradition moments and have always longed to have my parents and the kids' grandparents live closer. I was a military brat so my parents retired in another state after dragging the four of us all over the country and to Germany during my dad's career. We all met our spouses in different states and settled there so we tried to do long distance grandparent relationships. I was always so jealous that some of my friends had their parents at all of the kids birthday parties, youth games and events of all kinds. It was really hard on my mom who wanted to see her 9 grandkids more but my parents were really busy with their own lives. They played a lot of tennis and were really active with their friends. We saw them a couple times a year but I yearned so much for more. I always thought when I have grandkids I want to live nearby and really be a part of their lives. Some of my current friends that have grandkids who are out of state do a pretty good job of having video chat conversations regularly and visit and vacation together often. So I know it is possible but it really takes some effort. I am so happy for you that at least your mom wants this closeness and you have that relationship going. I wish your dad was more open to the same thing. I can't imagine not being able to stay with him at his home. Today I am so sad because after 33 years of marriage and being 57 years old my husband dropped a bomb on me yesterday that he was moving out. I knew that our relationship was not in a good place but I always thought we would fight to work it out. I have three grown children. two married and are ages 27 and 24 with no kids yet, and the youngest is 19 and in second year of college. I don't know how to tell them and what this will do to their lives. I can't imagine having to share holidays now in addition to with the inlaws now my husband and I will have separate homes as well! I don't want them to feel caught in the middle or have to choose a side and I am so fearful that they will choose to see dad more than me. He is the one who is choosing this but I have been struggling with depression for a while now and I know that I am not a fun person to live with. The last two years have been really hard with all four of our parents sick. One passed away and two with dementia. My mom is very close to the end and I have not been in a good place as I go back and forth to three states away to help my dad with her care. My home is a wreck and the adult kids probably will side with dad that he shouldn't have to live in this mess. Do you have any suggestions about how we tell them the news and how to keep our relationships with them healthy for the future? I want grandchildren so much and want to be close to them. My middle child has already moved several states away for her spouse's work and I am grieving that. They love their community and I doubt they will move back home before having babies. I try not to lay guilt on them but they already don't stay in touch very well and it hurts my feelings. My youngest is very independent and unemotional like her dad. She adores him and loves to get attention from him. I know that she will gravitate towards him and leave me wanting for more contact. It will be so hard to keep my own feelings in check and not bash him in front of any of them. I am so angry with him. When his dad passed he was left with a large inheritance and we had struggled with poorly managing our finances so this seemed like welcome relief for us. But now there will not be any more "us" and he will take the money and run. Leaving me with a broken down house that hasn't been maintained for 20 years. How can I be a good mother to my adult children and still live through this hard road ahead? I am already struggling with empty nest so now I really feel alone. any advice? I will pray that your dad and step mom come around and I hope you can find a way to tell them that you want more of a relationship with them. Maybe a letter that doesn't criticize but states what you would like the relationship to look like? Count your blessings that you and your mom have made it this far with a close relationship that is such a gift! You sound like an amazing mother and daughter and I am cheering for you!

your situation is similar to mine after 40 years my husband left its very difficult with grown children it takes a while my therapist says to tell them the truth their lives are still intact and they need to know what is going on in my case my kids didn't want to know and we don't discusss it its a long long process im learning this more and more when you become the person you really are and develop a life of your own these things wont matter so much to you I have been a mom and wife and fixer forever I am learning to be me and I really am enjoying it more than I ever thought possible since I was emotionally and physically debilitated for ten months there are still strange elephants in the room when the children are with me but they will have to get through this on their own time for them to grow up more time for me to worry about me just passing my experiences on