My husband and I have been together for 34-years and happily married for 32. We have one grown child and grandchildren who live in another state. About 2-years ago I began noticing a change in him, anger issues, unexplained staying later at work and other things that seemed "different" but which I turned a blind eye to. He eventually moved out, renting a 3-bedroom house which I had no idea where it was until I found the address connected to one of our joint utility bills. Several months passed and we ended up getting back together, living under the same roof for 3-weeks and in which he was moving things back and then one night he said he just needed to go back to his place for some "alone time" and that he would return. I was heartbroken, begging him to stay and work on us together and not apart, but he left anyway.
During the last year and at a time while was still living in our home, I found photos he had taken of a woman who works with him. They were provocative in nature and upon questioning him about them, said he had just happened to be there at the same place and was asked to take the photos. I saved them in my computer files but he actually tried to delete them...succeeded in getting rid of a few and leaving me with a couple he missed. This woman is about 10-years younger than us, has 3-young children and is separated from her husband. She is not a good person and I've been told has had several sexual relationships with men who work there, broken up marriages and relationships and then moves on. Unfortunately I did not find any of this out until she already had her claws in my husband. At this point in time I do not know if they are still together or if he's just playing the field. I cannot even go to his place because he makes me stand on the porch, acts nervous and wants me to leave. For awhile he was still staying in contact with me, coming home to help with things, showing care and I honestly believed that he might come to his senses soon. He fits all the criteria of a man going through mid-life crisis and, while still living at home, I offered many times to seek counseling for us both, but he always said no and that I was the one with the problem, but then would say in a next breath that he didn't know what was wrong with him or why he was acting the way he is. I ended up seeking counseling for myself, attending many sessions but have since stopped. He has sent me emails saying that he still loves me and thinks all the time how he can fix things between us, that he is sorry he gave up on us and still cares...but then ignores my calls and emails for weeks. It is like he has a moment of clarity every once in awhile, but then quickly forgets or possibly someone is making him forget. I've been going through this rollercoaster ride for months now and it has caused me real emotional damage. Recently I have asked him to come talk with me, to either finalize things or to figure out how to proceed from here. I still love him and the thought of loosing him forever is terrifying, but yet he continues to gaslight me, unable to provide a set time or day to come talk to me. He says he will be out soon to talk but only at a time when he feels his mind is in the right place. This has been going on for about 2-weeks and he is yet to show up, always an excuse about being too busy, too tired, etc. I've tried to explain the importance of this, that even if the news is not good, I deserve to know how to proceed. It seems to me that he is still unsure of just what exactly he wants, even though it's been a year and I feel he should know by now. I feel like he is holding onto me just in case his other relationship doesn't work out and in all honesty, I could wait if I thought there was a possibility he might be planning to come back to me. Deep down I know that is wrong and this is harmful to my emotional state, but again, I still love him dearly. I cry all the time, feeling anxious and alone in the home we shared for 32-years...and missing the once kind, loving man he used to be for so many years. I don't know where to turn now, to continue to wait or to begin figuring out how to finalize things on my own. My emotional state is not good and I fear sometimes he is taking advantage of that. It is a sad thing to think that everything I once knew to be good and what gave me purpose could be lost so quickly. Any advice or kind words would be much appreciated.

Hi, I was in a similar situation with my ex but I got tired of competing for someone who vowed to love me. Im still hurting,but I know eventually I will move pass this. I know one day I will look at myself in the mirror and recognize who I was before the betrayal and lies, tears will fall from my eyes but not from sadness, they will be tears of joy because I was strong enough to love myself through this and you will too. If anything, I want you to know you are not alone, you are loved and it's okay to cry, I do.

At some point, you have to realize, you can't control him. Whether he comes back or not, you still have to take care of YOU. You need to get ahold of your emotions and thoughts, work towards being happy each day, with or without him. Life still has a purpose, and you have to find that within yourself. Keep busy, keep active, don't let your mind and health go to pot worrying over a man that has wandered. He may see your independence and really start thinking, "maybe she CAN get along without me" and come back to his senses.

Thank you for the positive words! I know I can't control him, but only to try and control my own emotions and work on myself. It does seem that in the past when I had moments of strength, he took notice, but only to play mind games which made me weak again. That is mental abuse and the reason I sought out counseling awhile back. I am thinking of starting up again though and focusing on becoming a better me and a better life of purpose.

Thank you for that. I refuse to compete for his emotions or care, but I do hope to hit the point where I feel comfortable again and not afraid to face the future. I'm blessed to have family and friends who love and support me in times of need.