It's been Almost 5 years since I have been separated from my husband. I have seen him twice in person since then and it didn't change anything. He's claiming he still wants me back, and I positively know that I will not consider it. I lived with him for about 8 years, cohabiting as husband and wife but nothing legal until the end of the 9th year.
During our relationship I went back and forth with him, because between the substance abuse and the manipulations, i just wasn't sure where i could turn, feeling so alienated from many family and friends and the impetuous thoughts constantly emerging from our bad seasons. (And sometimes they got really bad) I was told by many that shouldn't marry him before i actually did. I reluctantly got back with him and made initial plans to marry based on the fact that things were "different" and "good" being that we had gone through many recovery programs and treatments for both addiction recovery and couples counseling.
We were good for about a year, and then the old ways of control started up. And i really left for good this time.
And yet 5 years later, 5 years, and i get super queasy and almost non-functioning at the thought of actually filing the papers.
I feel like i should know how to do this, I've researched it enough, talked to a few people about it, and yet become paralyzed to the process. Even re-reading this thread makes me feel sick, as I somehow hear him in my mind telling me that it was all in my mind. That every night i stayed awake lonely and crying and feeling empty with him in the same house and same room sometimes, was all in my head, that i somehow forced the police to arrest him and put him in jail, that it was me the bad guy all along.
SO where do i go what do i do? The best thing would be to separate legally but i don't even know where to start, as I am still in shock that i gave so much of myself at such a young age and they just manipulate the **** out of my mind and emotions.
I've been so messed up about it that i can barely hold a job and have basically become a shut in, a shell of a person i use to know. I feel like this sounds so typical and rhetoric that it's just another simple case for the books, but after all the latent threats and harassment still going on, simple is even too difficult. I'm lost.

jess, i just wanted to send you a quick note to say i am thinking of you and your situation.. i know how hard it is and i am just one month into my nightmare but please hang in there things will get better you just have to keep going and know you are soo soo worth it.. sharing your store helps so many others and you are stronger then you even realize.. truly thinking of you and sending you some hope right now..