Learning to heal and support my husband in beating this porn addiction
Update: my husband and I spoke a bit more productively. I expressed my feelings and stated that either he got help / we got help or I did not believe it was possible to overcome his addictive abuse of porn. To my knowledge we are talking about, Probably daily use, could be for 5-10 mins to an hour. When I recently learned of this I was sickened, devastated, betrayed, and cheated on. I have been compulsively reviewing all emails , history, checking for instant messages, signs of infidelity. I even went to his office and went through his work pc. Bing deceived , it’s tough to believe he has not been whoring around. However I found nothing and at least believe he is not cheating on me with a real live person, but by many women each week who aren’t real. It hurts the same
He gave me access to all emails and digital devices. Removed all crap. At least a ate in the right direction. But one cannot police them forever, it consumes you, I become crazy nervous and obsessive, terrible feeling, guilty for doing it but having to do it to regain trust. It just sucks all the way around.
On a good note, we went to a porn addiction specialist together yesterday for our first meeting. Difficult, sad, angry, but he spoke and we shared why we were there, to save our marriage, and tools to help my husband quit. As stated 20 yrs ago, I will do whatever it takes to stop. There is no doubt the odds are not good, but better for sure when both want it and are committed to seeking professional help. He expresses his love for me, that I am not the reason, yet even if that is true, we pay the price. Loss of intimacy, trust, loyalty, self esteem, and being safe with the man you love. I do think it’s infidelity, at least for me
I am encouraged yet scared ****less that it will occur again.
When this happened 20 yrs ago, I took it very personally, I thought I wasn’t enough, I had to do more, and believed he had stopped. It definitely took some time to get over that, but we did, in my head and we have lived an otherwise happy life. I never read about the harm porn does to the person themselves, their partner, their work life. How porn has made it into my bedroom without me even knowing it. But now that I do know, it all makes sense. The continuous coercion for anal sex and the eventual time it happened and I was just so devastated. It stopped right then, but the next day I felt shame, sadness, and disappointment. At the time I didn’t know how porn ha dreally fueled years of consistent push in that arena.
I’ve been reading a lot and I hoe it helps me better understand what effects it’s had on me and what effects it’s had on him that manifest themselves in our sexual life. I asked him to read it, we will see what he responds with after that, should be interesting.
I go to see the Dr again next week this time alone and he will also go next week, the day after.
I love him and I know he loves me. This porn addiction thing is real and quite damaging. It threatens my marriage and family the same as is he were cheating. I’m not sure that one is worse than the other