My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and we lived together for 12 years before that.
I am pretty sure he is bipolar and ADD.
We have some really great times together, but I have issues with financially responsibility and rather than tell him, I try to fix it on my own. He is usually happy not knowing but when he finds out, I'm called all sorts of derogatory names and told how everything wrong is my fault and that I'm going to spend eternity in hell.
There were a few times before we were married where we almost split, and I was so certain it would happen I would plan out my next steps. I have a good familial support system, and I know we would end up fine without each other.
I love one side of him and hate the cruel other side. But I cant help feeling that it's my fault that he's so cruel, for breaking his trust.
All the articles I read basically say "go now! Get away!" But I havent been able to take the first step, i dont even know what the first step is? I'm afraid if i tell him, he'll lash out.
NeverEnough: The first step, if you want to leave this marriage or are just thinking about it, is to get a consultation with a divorce attorney privately, without him knowing since you said he lashes out, preferably when you know he's not going to be at home or near where you are going. Sometimes the first visit is free. A good thing to go by when looking at finances is to only buy what you need, not just what you want. There are a lot of temptations in the stores and on line. Stay off the on line shopping sites unless looking for items you absolutely need and stay off the home shopping channels. I once heard someone say "the only store I'm going into this year is the grocery store" and "I stay out of the stores". It's good you have tried to "fix" your financial problems. In no way does your husband have the right to resort to calling you horrible names under any circumstances. Most people take a breath, take the time to calm down, and sit with the person to discuss difficult problems like finances. Maybe you can move in with family for a while and clean up some debt since you wrote you have family support and/or they could help you pay for a Lawyer. Remember, all phone calls, e-mails, court time and face-to-face meetings the Lawyer will charge you for unless it's a new client free consultation they are offering. When I had to go back to my Lawyer later on when she called me because issues came up, she gave me a discount because I was a returning client. I was very lucky. At occasions like Christmas and birthdays, I always tell people others appreciate things like home baked cookies as a gift and you can use wax paper which is very cheap to line a tin for the cookies which they sell at Dollar Stores. There are other people who are good at making crafts they can gift (don't spend a lot at holidays and birthdays if you don't have it). I also shopped at thrift stores after my divorce and had to go to the local Food Pantry until I got back on my feet. Your husband sounds abusive and I would leave. Best wishes.