I don’t know where to begin. Until December 2019 I thought I was in a healthy marriage. Early this year my husband started saying that he has been struggling in our marriage for quite sometime. But it was news to me as I could never see the signs. He also admitted that he is having his third bout of anxiety and depression. Mind you, my husband is clinically depressed. And has had two major depression episodes in the past lasting for several months. He said the nature of our marriage causes him anxiety and depression. When I first heard him say all this I was terrified and freaking out. We both loved each other a lot. I asked is it how I behave or something that I’m doing that is causing his anxiety but he said no that’s not the reason. We are an international, inter cultural, inter racial and inter faith couple. And I know marriage is hard as it is and we have additional stressors. Both of us are in the same boat the only difference is I do not have depression and he does and may be that’s one reason why he views our marriage differently than I do. We live in his home town. I had to leave Boston for him as he isn’t settled in his career and is a student so I had to move to his hometown and where there weren’t much job opportunities in my speciality. I’m a IP attorney. I got a decent job nevertheless but I have compromised so much for him. I left my home country, family and friends and put our marriage and spouse’ needs above mine. He was finishing up his studies this spring and we had plans to relocate to Washington DC and the minute I broached the subject of moving all this started. He started saying he wants to live close to his family and friends even though it was ok when I had to leave everything of mine for him and this marriage. He said he doesn’t like big cities. He also now had issues with me being a non Christian. I’m a Hindu. We had talked about all this before we got married. But now he says he wasn’t stable mentally when he met me and fell in love and it was ok that I wasn’t Christian and he was ok raising a secular household but lately his faith has become stronger which I thought was a good thing but unfortunately backfired. We had two elaborate weddings an Indian and anAmerican ceremony . He kept saying you’ve been a good wife to me in a very hard marriage but our circumstances are beyond us and he made a mistake by marrying me. I just can’t believe all this. I feel so used. I still feel he isn’t a bad human being but his actions are anything but Christian like and in no god’s book his action is sacred. He just didn’t want to sacrifice, compromise or adjust in this marriage. He stayed married to me as long as it was convenient for him but the minute it was his turn he just bailed out. It’s so hard. He was my first love and I was so lucky I got to marry him. And moving to his hometown leaving my country and everything behind was a leap of faith. I hoped he would do the same or at least meet me in the middle but he just couldn’t and instead thought ending the marriage is the best thing to do. Not sure if all this is from his depressed mindset or all along he was selfish and just could only think about himself and his needs alone. My family and friends have been extremely supportive and I’m trying to keep it together and move forward. But his reasons are still not syncing in. He didn’t even give us a chance. I didn’t even get to go for marriage counselling as he said there is no point giving a chance. He wants peace and made up his mind and wants out. May be this is for the best. May be its a blessing in disguise that it happened early on in our marriage instead of later. We’ve been married 3 years I’m 28 and he is 30. I know I won’t be hurting so bad in a few years from today. But if this was a mistake then I sure am paying a big price for his decision. I wish he could have told me all this before instead of marrying me. I can continue to live in the US but after this experience I feel so shattered and lonely that I’m relocating to my Home Country. And it’s for the best but uprooting my life twice isn’t super easy. Divorce as it is mentally harrowing and now I have to move out of a country and then start again. Time is a big healer and I hope my wounds heal and hurt a little less everyday.

Hello, very sorry to hear about your situation. Author Dorian Wright went through an unexpected divorce as well. You may want to pick up their book, "20 Years Gone: A Divorce Story" (available at Amazon and Google Books), as it may reveal other hints of things going on in your current relationship that You may not be aware of yet.

You are still young. If you have sacrificed that much for this guy and he's telling you he's not happy, it may not be worth wasting another second of life on him. People are dying in hospitals every day right now, don't waste the time you have been blessed with!

Thank you so much for your reply. I’ll certainly read the book you suggested. And thanks for the boost. I’m realising the more I think about it that it probably was not a good match and I did give too much of myself in the relationship. My soon to be ex husband has himself admitted multiple times that I was a far better wife to him than he was a husband to me.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m in a very similar situation. My husband of three years and I have been having problems, but agreed two months ago to seek counseling once the stay-at-home order was lifted. (We live in NY so we are very limited to what we can do right now) After we agreed to counseling everything seemed to get a little bit better until two days ago when he asked for a divorce. I’m shattered. I’m terrified of having to find a new place to live and figuring out how to afford everything on my own. Ultimately, my husband is also dealing with bouts of depression and needs to work through that. I understand, but I feel betrayed and given up on. I feel like when things got rough I always showed up and he did not. Now that this is happening it just feels like one last time he is tossing me aside for a vision of something possibly better. I’ve never felt such pain in my life. I want kids and a healthy marriage and he no longer wants those things. I know this is the right choice for us before we hit a place of resentment or worse, but it doesn’t make the pain any less. How do I get through this without breaking? I feel a lost.

Hi Courtney!

I’m so sorry you’re going through almost a very similar problem like me. I feel you and your pain when you say that it’s probably for the best but that doesn’t make the pain any less. I have had the past 2 months to process and think about what just happened. It’s just so hard to wrap your head around it isn’t it? It feels like my soon to be ex is a completely different man. I knew he had depression before I married him but I never knew that depression and mental health problem can completely erode our marriage. I had met him in Boston when he was actually going through a 2nd bout of depression and I had helped him come out of it. Now he says he wasn’t stable when he met me and fell in love with me. I moved to Buffalo,NY after our marriage that’s his hometown and we had plans to relocate early this year to DC. The minute I broached the subject of moving early this January all this started. He said all of 2019 he had been suppressing his dark negative hopeless thoughts. Kept saying he couldn’t see any future with me. I just had no idea that all this was brewing in his head last year. He didn’t even give us any chance he just wanted out whatsoever. He kept literally chanting I really tried but there isn’t any solution. Our marriage is doomed. But he did make a conscious decision to end the marriage and he probably doesn’t think our marriage is worth fighting for. I think both you and me deserve better. I was willing to fight till the end even though I knew I would have had to give up far more than he ever will or could. I already was giving up so much. But I still wanted to try for his sake and for our marriage sake. And I’m sure you were willing to too. But what can we do when they don’t want to even try. We can’t control their actions. We only have control over our actions and reaction. I am still very sad and my heart aches so much but I’m no longer angry. I wasn’t a perfect wife but I know I was a good one and he has himself admitted till the end that I was a far better wife to him than he was a husband to me. He said I’m sorry I failed you. I couldn’t do it. I’m currently in my home country in India with my parents. Thank god I’m with them. Do you think you can move in with your parents for sometime while you figure out a Plan B of your life? I would suggest for you to surround yourself with family and friends and rely on them as much as you want. It will take a lot of time to heal from this but trust me better things will be ahead in life. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Focus on yourself now. You can’t really help your spouse anymore. I’m sure you have tried your best but something’s are beyond us. You should now take care of yourself and your heart. Focus on your career or if you want to pursue any additional courses for career growth. It will only get better from here. The worst is over. We will both heal. I’m sending you lots of strength, power and positive vibes. Hang in there.