I am reaching out because I really need help. I am feeling very alone and lost despite having close family and friends. I have been with my husband for 27 years, married for almost 24. 3 years ago his son, from before we were dating, died. He didn't find out about his son until the child was 14 and he never met him. He is going through extreme guilt and grief which only seems to get worse. He blames me for having never met his son even though that's not what happened. He takes all of his negative feelings and anger out on me. For the last 3 years he really hasn't been a husband or father to me or our 4 children. The situation is toxic. I know our marriage is over because the man I married no longer exists. O just can't seem to actually move forward with dividing finances and getting a lawyer. I am stuck. My head wants to move on but I just can't seem to. Any advice would be helpful.

Hi, I'm wondering if grief and loss counselling might help him? If your marriage was good prior to the loss/knowing about his (now late) son and you didn't deter him from getting to know the son, there might be hope for your relationship.

You seem, from what you've written, to have been made a bit of a 'scapegoat' where the blame has been shifted onto you? He has 4 children who no doubt would miss him if he separates from you and from living with them day-to-day. Perhaps a grief and loss (bereavement) counsellor can help allieviate some of his possible feelings of guilt, anger, sadness and help him see the wonderful kids he has still now and that all is not lost and he has a chance to positively influence 4 of his children's lives still. Also, why didn't the mother of the son who died, let him know he had a son with her? That's not 'on you,' that was her role (unless of course, she had to protect herself and the child if any kind of abuse took place, as her relationship type with your husband is not stated).

'You don't know what you don't know...' and how could he have possibly done other that what he did, if he didn't know the boy even existed until it was too late?

Whether to keep going on with your relationship with him depends, I guess, on the space you are in: Do you want to try to repair your relationship? Or do you think you'll be happier calling it a day? If it's worth it to you to soldier on for a while and he's willing to go to counselling, it might be worth encoraging him to go? (If you think he'll flip out if you suggest that directly, maybe just discretely leave some leaflets about counselling on a coffee table - you could always say they're for you if he gets irritated...but he may, hopefully, look at them out of curiosity and start the process).

If he won't go to grief/bereavement counselling, I'd suggest a marriage counselling session instead (both would better though); you could always go on your own if he refuses to go with you). It seems, from what you've said, that you've been unhappy for years now and the situation is 'toxic.' If the above counselling doesn't happen, I wonder if you have a family member he respects who could have a private 'heart to heart' conversation with him to help him understand that he's at risk of losing you also, if he doesn't step up?

Ultimately, it's your right to choose: Stay, or move on? Sometimes the familiarity of even a toxic relationship keeps us from stepping into an 'unknown' future. It's a kind of perverse safety net! But living your life in limbo on the fringes of an arms-length relationship is also no fun. It's a lonely waiting game. I know...I went through this for years myself.

Tread gently, but please do move forward. If you've genuinely tried to encourage him to seek out counselling, if you've tried your best to connect with him on an emotional level and have explained to him, in gentle terms, how lonely and sad you're feeling and how you miss the closeness you both once had together and would like to work on rekindling that, but he remains distant toward you...then, as sad as it is...perhaps the answer will subtly present itself and you can start to take steps to move on, knowing you've tried hard to save your relationship and have done all you can. Hugs 🤗

Thank you for your response. I have definitely been made the scapegoat for this situation. My husband dated his son's mother but they were never serious and the relationship never went anywhere. She became pregnant but thought that someone else was the father. As best as we can piece together she stayed with that person until the child was 14. At some point they found out that he was not the father. We think money was her motivation as my husband was first informed through a letter from DCF demanding child support.
My husband is not open to any counseling. I have asked. I am in counseling. He says that I wasn't there for him when his son died. He was working out of state when he found out. I spoke to him daily whenever he needed me. And then he rewrote history to blame me for the fact that he never met his son.
To complicate things further his son was in the Navy when he died. That makes my husband a Gold Star Family member. This brings honor to him and his son. It has also given my husband a new identity. He has replaced our family with the Gold Star Family. He has spent less than 3 months in the last year with our family. He has stayed up north at his summer job.
The last 3 years have been emotional hell. He fluctuates from telling me he loves me to hating and blaming me. His grief seems to worsen and with that the guilt and then the blame. His son died of an overdose. He was a very loving and funny man before. Now he is an empty shell. So I don't see our situation improving. Very sadly I think it is time to end this awful cycle. I am so tired.

That’s such a shame re: That you say he’s mentally re-written history to scapegoat you...Particularly as he didn’t know he had a son for years, and also never met him but now is basking in the light of a military service connection? Maybe he’s confused. Maybe he’s desperate to cling on to any kind of ‘connection’ he can forge to honour his son’s memory?

Have you had ‘the talk’ with him about how you feel? i.e-lost, lonely and alone in your relationship? Have you explained the seriousness of how his psychological and physical absence is making you feel? Could you offer to go stay with him where he’s working? Is that possible? Even if it’s not, it might be worth ‘testing’ his reaction if you suggest you go stay with him for a month...If there’s someone else lurking who he’s involved with, talk of you coming to him will throw the cat amongst the pidgeons!Even better...can you just ‘turn up’ one day without prior notice? If he’s pleasantly surprised, that might indicate there’s something still between you to work with. On the other hand, if he’s off-hand, or even angry...I’d ask him directly what the reason is for that behaviour. Maybe he’ll ‘spill the beans’ and tell you what he’s feeling.

I’d think long and hard about which way you go with this. Does he visit you and the kids regularly, or is he an occasional ‘visitor?’ Is he nice to you and the kids when he sees you. Do the kids look forward to him coming home, or do they dread it. If they dread it, is it perhaps because you may talk negatively about their father to them? (I have no idea how the relationship dynamic plays out during home visits, so forgive me if my questions seem direct!)

I have to wonder what kind of childhood he had? Were his parents absent? Did he have a longing to be in the military, or a uniformed service of some kind and is living that dream vicariously now through his late son? Or...maybe he’s in the military himself now as his job? (Just trying to figure out his strong reaction...)

Other than what I’ve suggested doing above (but that’s based on what I personally would do in your situation only), I would start looking at plans for how you will financially manage if you decide to go down the divorce path. Be logical, practical and calm and write out a budget. Also, write out a list of ‘pros’ and ‘cons’ of divorcing from him, versus continuing on as-is. To be honest, the fact that you’ve posted on this forum, to me, is a cry for help; meaning you’re not happy with the current situation. Loneliness and abandonment can make you feel like you’re in a waiting room; sitting patiently, watching life pass you by, hoping the person you’re waiting for will turn up. But if that person’s priority in life is not YOU, then what, or who, is? What, or who else are they focusing on? Time to find out... but, prepare yourself mentally with your counsellor first. Value yourself, YOUR goals, YOUR needs, YOUR lines in the sand of what you will, and will not, put up with. Good luck with it all. It sounds as if you’ve been very patient 🤗

Hi Jenn,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It is never easy when you are married with children and dealing with that type of relationship with your husband. I don't have any advice but can say I can relate somewhat to your story except that my husband lost his parents and is angry and takes it out on me, blames me for not visiting them more, though there were reasons why i didn't visit (they live far away, work, etc). I think it is part of the grieving process, but not a healthy way to handle it. It is easier to be angry at something or someone rather than feeling the feelings. I am so sorry, it sucks. I am going to wait it out for a while and see if it improves. If not, we might be headed for divorce. Good luck to you!