When we don"t seem to matter as much to our now adult children or grandchildren, Were just don't receive the amount of space, time and energy we once had with the family now that the divorce has been final for several years. We feel doubt fear not satisfied, unloved and unequitable to our roles as women.

Hi Robin,

Yes, our roles as mothers certainly change over time and that can be tough to come to terms with. Your adult kids are probably busy with their own children's routines. Life is busy and work commitments (to be able to afford to raise kids in today's economy), can be really demanding for young families (or anyone really...)

I think perhaps focus on having 'quality' time with them when you do get to see them. Have you also tried meeting virtually online once a week also? Lots of parents and grandparents now use Zoom, FaceTime etc to connect.

Depending on how close (or not) you live to them, maybe plan a visit at least once a quarter, in person. That way, you'll have a positive date to look forward to and can busy yourself with buying gifts, planning what games you'll play with your grandkids when you see them, photos you'll share with your adult kids of what 'adventures' you've had since you last saw them etc etc.

If feasible, and if it would work, maybe consider moving closer to them all so you can offer to babysit every couple of weeks or so? How do you think they'd react to that suggestion and how practical is it for you?

There are, unfortunately, many parents of adult children and also grandchildren who feel a bit 'marginalised' and 'forgotten' about at times. It generally doesn't mean that you've become any less important to them (provided you all get along ok), it simply means the dynamics have shifted a little towards a busy, hectic life for them (most probably). It doesn't decrease your 'value' as a mother or grandmother. However, it may just mean that you have to be the one to initiate contact. Some people (depending on finances) arrange an annual family get-together or vacation. These kind of shared experiences can help build positive memories for when you're feeling a bit 'down' about not seeing them in-between visits. An annual excursion gives everyone a chance to 'pitch in' - even if you're the one to do all the planning and their 'contribution' is simply to turn up and relax! If your relationship is NOT positive with them however, we'll need to put our thinking caps back on..!

This is how I feel. I feel forgotten by my adult children. I don't feel comfortable going to their house be cause they sided with their dad during the divorce. The pain is unbearable but I have to get through it.

My kids have their own lives but I would like a call at least once a month. Husband has moved on and they love his girlfriend. That is like a slap in the face. He treated me like garbage but now he comes out smelling like a rose with a rich girlfriend.

I lost everything in the divorce. I just want to get over this hurt. It has been almost five years after 44 years of being together.

My self esteem is non existent. I just want to get over this and go on with a happy life.

Hi Jana, I’m so sorry to read about your experience . 44 years is a long time to have dedicated your time, trust, efforts and companionship to your ex.

It’s now been 5 years, you say. How much ‘real estate’ are he and his girlfriend getting ‘rent-free’ in your brain/your thoughts? We often spend so much time grieving, re-living, self-blaming, wishing if only things could be different etc that it can be utterly demoralising and exhausting and can bash the heck out of our self-esteem.

Do your kids know that you’d like a call at least once a month? Have you shared that info with them? If you have, but they don’t call-maybe text them in the morning light-heartedly say you’ll call them that evening to ‘catch up.’ My mother-in-law shared with me that, about 6 months after he husband died, people generally went back to their daily lives, forgot to call her to see how she was doing, and she ended up sitting, alone, in a silent house for a lot of her day. She therefore resolved to reach out. She said ‘you can’t wait for people to come to you, you have to reach out...’ I’m thinking - You could call them? You could maybe meet up away from their homes, to lessen your distress-at a restaurant for dinner maybe? You could send them a greeting card-this might spur them into contacting you etc.

It’s really hard and hurtful when your kids side with your ex during a divorce. Maybe they didn’t know all the facts? Maybe a behaviour you exhibited at the time was something they disagreed strongly with? I don’t know the facts around your divorce of course, but it sounds as if you’re still grieving. Do you get much chance to socialise so you can build new friendships? Have you taken steps to re-build your self-esteem? What are your hopes for the future? Are you dating? Have you made a conscious choice to remain single?

If you ‘lost everything in the divorce’ - that’s unfair. Material things however can mostly be replaced, love, trust and self-value takes longer. You sound like you’re a strong woman. A ‘victim’ but also a survivor who can take back control over her life and emotions. Reach out to your kids. If they don’t respond positively, that’s on them, not you, and you can take some comfort in knowing you’ve attempted to ‘do the right thing.’ You’re nobody’s doormat. Live your life with vim and vigour. Goodness knows, after all the pain you’ve been through, you deserve some happiness. Live a wonderful life! Make your ex and kids sit up and notice you by living a wholesome, fulfilled life in which you take care of yourself, socialise, eat well, look well etc. Don’t carry a metaphorical backpack of grief around with you. Break free from that cycle. Start today by writing a list of all the positives and negatives in your life, then work out those things you have control over and can change (and start working on making those changes) and things you can’t (and acknowledge those and let them mentally ‘go.’) - it’s a freeing experience!

You could also mention to another close relative who’s in touch with your kids, that you would really like them to put more effort into contacting you - maybe a hint from a third part would help remind them to keep in touch with you more frequently? Please take some comfort in the fact that you are far from alone in what’s happening. It’s, unfortunately, quite common. Wrong, yes, but not unusual. Stay strong. Hugs 🤗