Hi! I'm hoping somebody here can relate and/or help me. My ex and I have been divorced a little less than a year. We have 2 kids (age 19 and 14). My ex is on girlfriend #2 since the divorce. The first one was a long time 'friend' of ours who was also our hairdresser. My kids both know her and were fine with them dating (even though his first date with her was 2 days after our divorce was final). A month or so after they started dating, I started dating a man I knew from high school and am still with him to this day.
My 14 yr old daughter hates him. When I try to get her to talk to me about why she doesn't like him she can't give me an answer. She just says, "I just do".
With my ex's second girlfriend, our daughter has no problem with her, either. Not that I think she should have a problem with her because she's nice and treats her well.... I just wish she would be fine with my boyfriend, too. It's like, no matter who her daddy dates she will go places with them, etc. but has nothing to do with my or my boyfriend if he's around.
I need help understanding why it's like this. I know divorce is hard on kids and I could understand that more if she had a problem with her dad dating, too.
We may end up wanting to move in together or get married one day. How is that supposed to happen when my daughter refuses to give him a chance? I feel stuck. I deserve to be happy too but if I don't break up with him like she thinks I should do, she will move in with her daddy :(

Hi,
Hates him or hates that he’s ‘replaced’ her dad in the role of your partner? I’m not judging, but it seems a pretty quick turnaround in your partners for her to have to come to terms with? Where’s the grieving space for her in losing her dad in her daily life and routine? Where’s the time factor/space in your life for you to spend focused quality time on HER, and her in having to come to terms with the loss?

You’re entitled to move on and try to find happiness, but she may be feeling confused and a little sidelined? Also, and of course I’m being very general here- are you sure there’s no inappropriateness happening? I only mention this because, statistically, unfortunately, boyfriends (and step fathers) are often perpetrators. This may not be the case at all here of course, but it’s something to bear in mind, given she won’t discuss why she ‘hates him.’ Dislikes? Yes, maybe, but ‘hate?’ It might be the above grief reaction coming out, or she may genuinely dislike his personality/dislike the situation. It might be teenage rebellious hormonal behaviour or, we have to consider if it’s something more serious.

I certainly wouldn’t be moving him in with you until your daughter feels better about the situation, and potentially, him. Spend some quality time with her. Let her know how important she is to you and that you love her. Would I let my relationship with a ‘boyfriend’ trump my relationship with my adolescent, probably confused and grieving daughter? The plain answer is ‘no.’ I’d work on stabilising the relationship with her, and over time, she may grow to trust and like your boyfriend. Boyfriends often ‘come and go’ but your daughter is for life. She’s at a very impressionable stage of her development and needs to feel supported and valued. So, my answer is, yes you deserve happiness, but please take matters slowly. This is not a competition between you and your ex-You don’t have to demonstrate to him that you too are ‘desirable’ enough to snap up a new partner quickly also. I hope your new relationship works out, but if it’s ‘meant to be’ for the long-haul, then there’s no rush to go down the moving in together/re-marriage route is there? I wouldn’t even be talking about that yet as a possibility. Remove the psychological pressure off yourself and your daughter by ‘parking’ that idea for a while (maybe not forever, but for a while), so she has time to adjust and can get to know him better. Hugs 🤗

Thank you for your reply. It's definitely not a competition by any means. And she hasn't said the word 'hate'. Her actions towards me and the fact that I have someone new in my life indicates 'hate' but I could be wrong. She sees her daddy all the time. We actually help each other out and he's able to see her much more than the standard every other weekend thing. She knows this man isn't replacing her dad as a father figure so I can't see how that would be what's bothering her. It's hard not to take it all personally but I'm trying not to.
As far as spending time with her, that's something I've made a point to do since the divorce for sure. She won't go anywhere with just her and I much, though. I have even told her I wouldn't date anyone if that would help and she said that wouldn't matter. I have acknowledged to her that I understand how difficult this transition has been and I'm here for her.
I would never move in together, whether it's now or 3 yrs from now, if she hasn't come to terms with things. She comes first. She knows that.
My main confusion comes from why she is perfectly fine with her daddy and his lifestyle (who he dates, his different lifestyle now, etc) but can't be more open to mine. It's hard not to take it personally when everything I do, no matter what it is, is judged by her.

Yes, that sounds pretty tough on you. I wonder if a visit to her school counsellor would be worth arranging. Maybe she’d be willing to share with the what’s troubling her, why she’s being a little ‘off’ to you and your boyfriend? She may not want to tell you what they’ve discussed, but having a third party perspective and guidance on the situation, might take some of the anger, stress, grief, or whatever emotion/s she’s experiencing, away. Or at least lessen them.

If you still have a relatively good parenting relationship with your ex- husband, I wonder if you would feel comfortable asking him to casually ‘sound out’ what’s going on/how she’s feeling, when the two of them are together (without his girlfriend present)? He might be able to provide some insight. Or...grandparents, if there are some.

It might be a completely different situation she’s reacting to-such as being bullied/unhappy at school, problems in relationships with friends etc and her ‘off-ness’ towards you and your boyfriend as a situation she’s able to have a degree of ‘control’ over might be her way of expressing her unhappiness through an ‘outlet.’ Does her dad spoil her when she visits, whereas daily life with you is more frugal out of necessity? If so, ‘home’ may seem boring to a 14 year old, compared to going out with him and his girlfriend?! It might not be about you and your boyfriend, but her reaction to her situation.

It sounds as if you’re being really considerate and patient. I’d try to get some insight, like I say, from her dad/grandparents (if there are any). What about some art therapy? Would she paint, if you suggest it as a fun activity together? Sometimes, the colours and images children use when they paint, can provide a window into their feelings (dark may = moody/troubled). It’s also an activity that can be done at home together (each of you paints your own, individual painting). Give her space-don’t sit too close. You could even put some quiet, relaxation music on in the background to elicit a calm atmosphere, so her thoughts can flow. She might refuse to do this activity, she might enjoy it-who knows, but it might be worth a try?

I would ask your daughter to be honest and tell you why she doesn't like him. Ask her if you dated somenone else if that would be better for her?

If she says no then she may just feel that she's losing both parents and doesn't want to lose you since you live with her.

Don't be in a rush to date or move in with someone anyway.

Enjoy this time to get to know who you are and enjoy time spent with your daughter. Life is short and spending time with your children is most important. I've been divorced 13 years now and still single but still have a person in my life. I've raised my son since he was 6 and our bond is very strong.


Good luck with everything, you deserve to be happy but please do not let any comments from your boyfriend interfere with your daughter. If anything the boy friend (if he truely loves you and cares about your daughter) should be telling you that you need to take it slow with him and spend more time with your daughter. Or does he just care about himself? does he have kids if not he wouldn't have a clue....

Tell your boyfriend that you have decided to take it very slow and that you want to spend more time with your daughter. Tell him you'll see him a couple times a week. If he tells you okay and that he's happy you are doing that then he's a keeper. If he gets upset then he's only thinking about himself. Get rid of him.