My ex husband(who is 41) and I were together for 10 years. I separated from him in March of 2020 and we are now waiting for a judge to sign off on our divorce decree to be legally divorced. During this time of separation, we have had our ups and downs in communicating but have tried to be respectful towards each other as ultimately we do care about each other still.

In the past month, he has met someone 15 years younger than him, has moved her into the house, taken "family" pictures with her and her 2 young children along with my step-son and has been posting on FB nonstop about how "blessed" he is and how "amazing" this girl is(again who he has known for a little over a month and a half). They were even wearing rings on their left fingers in the "family" pictures even though he told me there were not engaged. To make the situation worse, he told me a week ago that she was pregnant. He knew the news would destroy me as we struggled with infertility for 5 years.

I don't know who this guy is but it's not the person I was with! I'm concerned about his future along with my step-son's. I don't see his new relationship lasting but maybe I'm wrong??!!..IDK. I'm struggling with HOW he could do this when we are not even legally divorced and he was saying how much he missed "us" almost a month ago?! How do I move forward in my own healing with everything he has done in the last 6 weeks hitting me like a ton of bricks?! I don't understand how he could act like the last 10 years of our lives didn't exists or mean anything to him. It's very hurtful and in my opinion disrespectful.

Hi, Sounds like a classic midlife crisis to me, possibly... She is a lot, lot younger than him. Pregnant?! I wonder how a 41, going on 42 dad will cope with changing nappies, baby vomit and stinky diapers?! Maybe the situation won’t seem as ‘glam’ by that stage?!

You sound very kind and considerate. I’m not sure many women in your situation would be ‘concerned about his future.’ I think yours (and of course your step son’s) are more pertinent, given how he’s moved on so fast. Legally, he’s still married to you currently. Emotionally however, he’s already left your marriage. I read a post once that said ‘marriage is about love, divorce is about finances!’ so I hope you’re getting a fair settlement. Have you changed your will? If he marries her, will their offspring inherit a slice of something you both retain a joint interest in after the divorce (a business, for example)?

I really feel for you that his new partner is pregnant when you struggled with infertility for years. Such cruel irony and another blow to your self-esteem. Please don’t take it too to heart if you can help it. Part of a midlife crisis (if he is going through one), is proving how young and virile they are; kind of deluding themselves into ‘being’ younger again. He’ll be 57 by the time the kid is 16! 66 by the time the kid’s 25! He might need a Zimmerframe to ‘walk’ his daughter down the aisle (if they have a girl)! Sorry...couldn’t resist (and I hope it brought a smile to your face!)

You’ve gone through a lot of trauma. And in quite a short space of time. It’s no wonder you feel like you’ve been hit by a ton of bricks. I’m glad you mentioned the word ‘healing.’ You’re going through a grief process: Shock, Anger, denial...and quite understandably. What would you say if, in 12 month’s time, he’s tired of his ‘new’ situation and wants to come back to you? It may well happen-given how short a time he’s known this other woman and the large age gap mean their tastes in music/topics of conversation might not be on the same page (or decades!) How would you feel if that happened? You have a step son. Does that mean your ex is now into his third relationship? I’m not judging, but is there some kind of pattern emerging?

Right now, I’d be being really kind to yourself. Eat well, try to get quality sleep (if you can), keep your mind occupied with thoughts that aren’t centred on him - mindfulness, yoga, country walks, relaxation music, swimming...whatever nourishes you as a person. No point worrying yourself to death: The situation is out of your control, so you might as well choose to focus on you and your well-being. I wouldn’t rush into a new relationship when your divorce comes through. Spend some quality time re-discovering who YOU are. What your values are. What makes you smile. What gives you hope? Chump Lady is a site I sometimes read. Quite a lot of swearing in some posts, but from a women’s empowerment-perspective when they have been cheated on by the man they love/loved. Chump Lady herself, writes some really funny, heart-warming posts. Look after yourself and please don’t let his behaviour eat up your self-esteem or happiness: You deserve a great life :)