I met a wonderful man 20 years ago. We fell in love and got married after 4 years. We’ve been married for 16. We have two beautiful boys. I love them all so much! From the get go my toxic upbringing and family caused problems. We worked through them. 2 years into our marriage after the birth of our first born. I had a huge medical problem that landed me in and out of the hospital for the next 2 years. This impacted our marriage greatly! My prognosis at the time was grim and I was very depressed. I told him he was a good man and he should not be dealing with my crap at 27. He’s so good, a good person really, very handsome and a great provider. He could rebuild his life without my crap hanging over him like a black cloud. He refused to leave me. We worked through it. We were happy! I recovered and 4 years later, baby number 2 came. We were elated and our family was complete. My toxic family (I come from a big family - 12 aunts and uncles countless cousins. Some I adore some I hate) has continued to put us is horrible situations. There have been struggles because of a particular family that you wouldn’t believe. We worked through those as best we could. Last month my Dad died, my parents are divorce. My toxic family is my Mom’s side. Like I said, most are great some are very toxic and misery loves company kinda people. My Mom’s family after the divorce had no ties to my Dad. He passed and they didn’t bat an eyelash except a few close cousins. Well today my oldest tells me that the Queen of toxicity told her my Dad molested her and other family members when they were young. My kid fell apart, his Papa was a great Papa to him and a good father to me. I was blindsided. I felt like the air had been punched out of me! I called her and told her everything I’d ever wanted to say to her. We were done! I talked to my kid and explained the type of person she was and to not let that ruin the love and relationship he’d had with his Papa. I’m left with a dead Dad I can’t confront or ask anything to about her allegations. And I just don’t know, I don’t know what to believe. He was a drunk, but to me he was a great Dad. He always made me feel loved and important. Never inappropriate in anyway! However, he was an alcoholic and made many mistakes. Mistakes as a father and husband. And his mistakes lead him to die virtually alone. So I don’t know what to think. Fast forward to now having to tell my husband. He was livid! Livid that it was no longer an attack on me or us, but that she’d gone for the jugular, our son.

I feel like I come from some really bad people. Like I’m contagious with a infectious disease I want to spare him from contracting. I love him so much I want to let him go. He deserves to be happy and not deal with my toxic bull****. Not just my families, but my own. Am I the daughter of a predator? If it’s all true. Who’d want to be married to the daughter of a monster?? No one deserves that, right? He’s 41 and can still have a wonderful life!

How do I convince him to go??
To be free of me and my messes...
Free of toxic drama...

He doesn’t deserve this!!

Hi Sammi,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through so much. I don’t have much to offer you but if your husband loves you so much then don’t push him away. I understand you wanting to protect him from your families toxicity but it’s not his fault and I feel like trying to end everything with him would hurt him far more than your family issues bothering him. Marriage is about for better and for worse and if he wants to be part of your life despite all the worst parts then he sounds like a keeper to me. Together both of you can overcome anything. If you love him then cling to your man and stand by him as he stands by you. May be there is a way to set some boundaries with your maternal family but don’t leave him because of your family background and issues. From what you’ve described it sounds like your husband really loves you. I’m wishing you well and hope things get better. Take care.

Hi Sammi, I agree with Shreya. Don’t push your supportive, loving husband away, instead cut off the toxic people in your life! He’s positive towards you and your son: They are not.

You are also not in any way responsible for your deceased father’s alleged behaviour. Hopefully nothing abusive happened (no evidence, only hearsay), but if it did, that’s HIS doing, not yours. You personally, have nothing to answer for as you say you had no idea whether it occurred or not. And what a horrible, irresponsible thing for your family member to disclose to a child! How inappropriate! I’d be livid too like you were! Why to your child and not to you?

Stick to your husband and children like glue. Diss the toxic relos and don’t let them pollute your mind or that of your children’s. Please grow your self-respect also. Your husband seems to value you more than you yourself?! Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worthy of his love and that your little family (you, him and your 2 children) are worth more than all the extended family members put together! Protect your little family unit.

Take a breather from the toxicity and feel proud and justified in doing so 🙂

No need to let him go, you seem very nice, amid these challenges, you have made a life for each other. I do think you need to do the following:

1. No repetitive questions Ask for his advice, pose specific questions, but after he provides his take, generally let it go. When I was about to get married, someone from my wife's family asked for advice regarding a problem. I listened, gave my take, and she said she was impressed with my judgment and I was duly flattered. Fast forward 6 months, she has not taken my advice, is asking other people about the same issue, and I realize I'm just part of a train of supposed advice-givers generally ignored and part of this advice is her just wanting to talk.

Now, when she asks about a problem I say, I have no idea, can't help you.

2. Do compliment him and say how you appreciate him.

3. Recognize the family issues are not your problem and you didn't cause them.

Best of luck, remember he is lucky to have you also.