Hello! Thanks for any help/advice you can provide.

I've been with my husband since I was 18. We have been together for 15 years, married for 5, with 2 young children.

Where do I start...the whole relationship has been rocky at times but the past 2 year, especially. I realized after meeting a group of wonderful ladies that my relationship was not normal, despite what I was making myself believe. He has always been controlling but it, along with everything else, has gotten worse over the years. It is to the point that I don't go do anything because I don't want to call and "ask" him, nor do I want to argue about it. If for some reason I do go, we usually argue when I get home. This is one example of MANY. There have been many of times when he knew where I had been and I didnt tell him. I have no idea how! When I got close to figuring it out, he turned it around on me and said " why don't you want me to know where you are?" I have never, in 15 years, given him ANY reason not to trust me! This man can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants though. He likes to try and control what I wear too. I could go on forever.

Now let me tell you about the verbal abuse. I have been called every name in the book, at times in front of my kids. Usually, because we are arguing about something very stupid that he feels very passionate about like...why I didn't call him on my lunch break or why I have to talk to guys at work, or about why he doesn't like the nail polish color I picked out. Again, I could go on and on. I have found myself stooping to his level after hours of fighting with him. I typically try not to react to his crazy but it enrages him more and he will not stop until I say sorry or admit he is right. And this enrages me!

That leads me to the physical abuse. Because he WONT STOP, it sometimes gets physical. He has spit in my face, dumped water on my head, pushed me, punched me, kicked me, pulled my hair. Typing it all out makes me realize how crazy it is. I have tried to leave or seclude myself from him when I know it's about to start. I beg him to give me space but he never stops! To protect myself, I again, find myself stooping to his level.

This has all happened over the last 2 years. Not saying it hasn't happened before then also. I got very serious about leaving a year ago. I seeked a marriage counselor. I went to one visit before telling my husband ( I told him a month prior I was going to look for one but didn't tell him I found one) because I wanted to see if I liked him and if he was a good fit for my husband. My husband just happened to "stop by' my work and found out I wasn't there. So, I didn't get to break it to him like I'd hoped. He said I lied to him and we got in a bad fight that night. However, he did agree to go ( after telling him it was his last hope). We got 3 visits in before COVID. I have since asked him repeatedly to get his own help, in which he says he will but he never does. I seeked a lawyer and actually filled out the papers, was ready to file and COVID hit. I got scared after talking with them about my options die to COVID. I'm worried he will not leave the house and I will be stuck with him through the divorce, which as you can see is not ideal.

I also feel very bad for him. He is a great dad. When he wants to be, he is the kindest, most sweetest person. But that is rare, he is mean or upset about something 75% of the time. But, if you don't know me personally, you would be shocked that divorce is in the picture. Most people think he is the nicest person ever. Again, unless you know me personally. Right now, and for the past couple of weeks he is trying to prove to me he can change. I have been here before and I know how it turns out. Although, this is the first time I have actually seen change. But, I know it's only a matter of time. Even if he could change, I don't think I could ever forget the things he has said and done over the most meaningless things.

I feel I have lost myself. I feel like I am fighting a battle internally with myself daily. I don't know why I haven't left. My support system is amazing, I have opened a separate account and have started saving money, I won't make plans far out in the future with him. I would rather not be near him but I continue to run on auto pilot everyday. Why wont I file? Someone help me!

Because as women, we are fed a diet of the ‘happy ever after Prince Charming is waiting to come sweep us off our feet’ story, which many of us know is a total crock!

I think maybe three things are potentially happening here:

1. He’s gaslighting you (google this term)
2. He sounds narcissistic - setting impossible goals/belittling you/ dictating what you wear/who you see (this borders in domestic abuse)
And;
3. Your lack of self-esteem - he has made you second-guess yourself, your decisions, your choices - running things by him to get his pre-approval for what you should do/not do, is a classic sign.

Sometimes, despite a situation being abusive, a woman who has been so put down over years, lacks confidence to step out of the relationship. Familiarity of the current situation may even seem a better option to women in similar abusive situations-as crazy as that might seem at first...but it can be viewed as a ‘safer/better’ option than the unknown-particularly if her own mind has been bullied into thinking she can’t live independently, successfully, without him in her life. It’s almost like a drip-feed process: Bit by bit, over time, the abuse ramps up. Your memory is called into doubt. Your questions are challenged, your choices and ideas; belittled. It really is a perverse kind game :( With physical abuse, people may see bruises as ‘evidence’ of abuse. With emotional abuse, there are no physical bruises (unless the person self-harms as a coping mechanism).

Re: ‘He’s a great dad...’ Really? Hitting you, spitting on you and swearing at you in front of your child? What ‘lessons’ is he teaching?

You mention you have a good support network? Could you and your child potentially stay with them, then you could file? Do you have a relative you could stay with? Get out in one piece! This sounds as if it’s been going on for years?? Can you really see things improving in a year? Two years? Three years? He’s had plenty of time to change his behaviour...Trouble is... someone’s core personality ‘can’t’ be changed: Once a narcissist...ALWAYS a controlling, power and control-hungry narcissist ’... A leopard doesn’t change its spots!

Thank you so much for your advice.

Over the last couple of years, I have thought many of times that he is a narcissist, or at least had narcissistic tendencies. So you saying that on a sum up of 2 years of my life I think says a lot.

I am now insecure, and maybe always have been to some extent. But, to be so indecisive on something when I know what the answer is, is my lowest low. I feel guilty mostly. I am the one who put up with it, married him when things weren't exactly better, and I continue to put up with it. Other than being miserable most of the time, I go through each day like any other day.Letting him touch me when I don't want touched, telling him I love him when I don't want to, etc. I set boundaries and he rips through them in a couple of days. But, I allowed it. I think this is what stops me the most. But, I also know that have told him 100x about how unhappy I am and what needs to change...but it never changes.

You are right about everything. You've pretty much summed me up. Another reason why I haven't left him is because I dont want to leave my house. Although we bought it when we were together, it was before we were married and it's in my name. And obviously him not leaving and staying in the house through the divorce is the scariest thought ever.

Thank you, you're right. It is just his personality and there isn't much he can do about it. I came to that realization recently. I greatly appreciate the advice!

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I also like you have been with my spouse for more than half of my life.
I feel like I totally understand what you're feeling and going through as I have also gone thru similar things.
If you dont mind discussing, how long ago did you make up your mind about walking away? Did you tell anyone else someone you or he knows about your situation? I felt like when I told his best friend (who I trust) about how i felt i just knew ok this is a step i didnt think I would ever take. But I still can't find myself to leave. I'm so torn.
I would really like some advice as to how you're currently handling your situation.
I wish you love and light. I wish you strength to move on and live your life happily.

I too am sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

About a year ago is when I decided I was fed up. I cant pinpoint it to one particular situation, just that I was so sick of defending my self in every aspect of my life. I let it pile up. I say this but I was still very much so voicing my displeasure to him about everything. Around this time is when I met the group of ladies. These ladies had no iead who I was or anything about my life. We were forced to spend 1 day a week with each other for 3 months. I connected with them and felt comfortable talking to them. To hear people tell me that my relationship was not healthy, knowing they didn't benefit one way or another by doing so, was an eye opener. I always knew the relationship wasn't healthy but to hear it from them hit hard. Opening up to them allowed me to start opening up more to my friends and family, and his as well. Everyone who is close to me at this time knows I am on the verge of leaving and don't understand why I haven't. I too felt that I was taking steps I never thought I would. Shortly after all of this is when I met with an attorney. But, I still haven't left.

I hope that you can find the strength to leave! If you feel at all like I do, get out. I am curious to know what his friend said to you when you confided in him?

I am fighting with myself everyday. I know I need to go but I continue to put him before myself, I care too much about how the divorce will affect him. Everyday, I am closer to filing but I just can't bring myself to do it. It seems to me like you have been thinking about leaving for a while too. I would highly recommend that you seek a councilor or therapist to talk to. They can help you see things more clear...I was lucky to have met the group of ladies but not everyone has that option. I wish you all the luck in the world. We don't deserve this!!

I really hope one day you find the courage to get up and leave him. But again, who am I to give advice.
Today, I contacted some lawyers just to get some legal advice in the sense of what my rights are. I am like you, I sit there wondering how this will affect him. I cant help feeling that way im a total empath!
His friend was super understanding and was actually in shock, I guess I hid alot and I guess I got good at it. He said regardless of what I do at the end I gotta do whats best for me you can't change anyone nor can you tell them what to do. They will make their own decision. I think when I reached out to his best friend I felt some sort of relief that I took that step in telling someone. I always vent to my mom saying I'm going to leave him etc but never do. My parents always tell me its not worth it and its ok to come home but its easy to say that when they're not in that situation.
I have reached out to some therapists - pending responses. I just think having a clear mind and focusing on the importance of the issue and getting a 3rd party advice will maybe give me the courage to leave or maybe even give me a better understanding of what I want in life. not sure how to feel right now. I do feel like I am outgrowing my husband big time.. and maybe thats where our issues are is that he's still stuck at the age of 18 and im just more mature.. people keep telling me how it takes men forever to grow up. But really? I cant wait and put my life on hold to see if he will grow up.
I'm glad you found a support group. How did you go about this? With this whole pandemic going on its hard to even get it and nothings really happening which i feel is even harder because no one leaves their homes and I hate not being able to see my close friends but at the same time I am not wanting to discuss my business because its easy for people to say leave him etc when all I want is someone to just understand me and just listen.
I hate this whole situation, I hate that life is so hard and unfair.
Thanks for your support.