I've been with my husband for 15 years which is half of my life. We've been married for 4 and I have never felt so alone in my entire life.
I love him and I make a lot of sacrifices for him but I dont receive any support, love or affection. Our marriage turned upside down. We don't spend time together, when we have sex it feels like its a chore (we are trying to conceive), when we go out i have to drive and he'll fall asleep and if we hang out it always ends up in fights.
I just wish he would communicate and learn to speak rather than just start screaming and throwing a tantrum.
As I'm writing this and reading it back to myself I cant just help but say just walk away. But its easier said than done right? I've known him for half of my life. I want a family. I want a life. But im not willing to live a life unhappy and bring a child into this world just for the sake of having a child. I want a family, I want my partner in crime, all I want is to be happy but why is it so hard?
I think often to just pack up and leave, my parents are supportive and told me if I ever feel like I need to vome home for good I have their support. But im scared if I pack up how about if I go back? I dont want to create drama and put stress in my families lives.. I dont have finances to move out on my own. I'm just lost, I'm hurt and I'm broken. I dont feel like I can talk to anyone because no one knows how I feel. I've considered suicide but I cant be selfish my parents lost my brother when he was 13 in a car accident, it nearly killed them. I saw what they went through and I wouldn't be able to put them through that again but I have those thoughts because I just am that unhappy. Therapists have weeks and weeks of delay for appointments. I just wish people can give me their positive stories. I practice meditation, gratitude, and affirmations but I feel like everything is too negative to bring out any positivity in my life.

Hi, I’m sorry you’re so unhappy right now. I think, reading some of the words that are threaded throughout your post, that actually, deep down, you already have your answer, but need confirmation/reassurance from others and that’s only natural as it’s a big change for you.

Please, please don’t bring a child into the picture. I’m all for having a family - I’m a mum myself- but bringing a child into the world with the ‘wrong person’ is not a good idea. If he’s already difficult and aloof to live with, add in smelly diapers, broken sleep patterns and extra financial stresses and....what do you think the outcome/his behaviour is highly likely to be, based on his current behaviours and attitudes? I suspect...not good :(

I hear:
‘I have never been so lonely in my life’
‘I make lots of sacrifices for him’
‘I don’t receive any love, support or affection’
Fights... etc etc

This doesn’t sound like a two-way, reciprocal positive situation to me...Marriage is meant to be a ‘give and take’ equal, respectful partnership. What’s his part of the ‘deal?’ In what way is he ‘giving’ towards your relationship?

15 years IS a long time, but there’s no medal. Only married 4 years, yet you no longer feel cherished (maybe not even respected)? A lot of us on this forum have valiantly struggled through our relationships for many years, hoping upon hope that if we ‘just try harder’/continue to ‘hang in there,’ things will improve. Take it from me (as I have learned the hard way after decades in an unhappy marriage), often it’s we women who do the hard yards in trying to ‘fix’ our marriages, but many times, the bloke does not put the effort into saving the relationship and so, we ‘cruise along’ just making do with a so-so situation in which we are bored, sad, feel unimportant and our emotional needs are neglected. We lose self-confidence and even ‘hope’ sometimes.

I don’t know your situation of course from personal experience, however believe me when I say that he (nor any man) is worth suiciding over. Again, listen to what your inner voice is telling you. It’s saying ‘I need to get out of a situation that’s causing me distress.’ Therefore, it’s normal for a person to feel that a ‘solution’ to fix the pain, the sadness, is to end it all/chuck everything in, BUT killing your self is not the answer. Getting out of the situation another way, however IS. End the feelings of desperate sadness, NOT by suiciding, but by leaving the situation/him. Reassure yourself that you’ve given him your ‘all,’ you have also given him the time and the opportunity to change his behaviour/attitude towards you, yet he’s chosen not to.

Time to move on hun. Time spent wasted living with him, hoping he’ll do a ‘U’ turn and suddenly become Mr romantic, loving, caring guy means you might be missing out on the future husband who’s ‘out there’ in your future for you and with whom having babies will feel natural and positive. I’ve read so many posts over the years where woman have a baby, hoping this will help ‘glue’ the relationship back together. Although there are some success stories, the overwhelming message is that it doesn’t work and the bloke ends up leaving the woman who then (often) has years and years of struggles in trying to get him to support the child’s upbringing. Stress upon stress: No fun at all...

It’s good that your parents are supportive. Personally (and this is only my opinion), I’d be moving in with them, filing for divorce, getting myself a job (if you don’t have one already) and using the time spent living with them to save up some money to make myself more financially independent. Then, after a few months, I’d rent my own place. I’d give myself at least a year off from any romantic involvement, to have time/breathing space to adjust to being single (as you’ve been in a relationship for a long while) and to re-construct your self-esteem/heal from feelings of grief. Then when you’re ready (and only when you decide you’re ready), consider dating to find your potential soulmate.

Time to turn a drab, soulless relationship situation into a time of renewal, optimism, possibilities and hope. You are still young enough to have a really bright, happy, fulfilling future ahead of you/within reach. I think you deserve happiness. Don’t you?! Take a slow, deep breath. Pack a bag, congratulate yourself for the time you’ve spent trying to save your marriage, then take positive strides towards a brighter, happier future. You deserve no less hun. Good luck 🤗

Ps. The only other thought I had after writing the above, is to wonder whether the pressure of trying for a baby has turned the relationship stale/if all the focus is on becoming parents, rather than ‘being’ a romantic couple? Have you talked to him about how you feel/how he feels about your relationship/the future? Does he see a future in it? If you stopped trying for a baby and just relaxed, would your sex life and communication improve do you think?

If you’ve tried talking to him but he’s not ‘joining the party’ ie won’t open up/make an effort to save your relationship, then tell him you’re seriously considering leaving him because his behaviour and attitude towards you is making you feel psychologically unwell and unhappy. See what his reaction is-Maybe that will shock him into making an effort. It it doesn’t, then my post above still applies...