Hello all. I am 43 years old and have been married for 17 years. We had 2 great kids that are 12 and 14. For the past 12 years or so I have been dealing with my husband being very verbal and emotionally abusive to me. We tried marriage counseling after the 1st time I brought up possibly wanting to leave the marriage for 18 months roughly before covid-19 stopped in person meetings. During this time i saw no real changes in his personality or treatment of me. Now Fast forward to September 2020. I started to build up my confidence to once again tell him I feel that this relationship is over and that I would like a divorce. Well he goes and has a minor heart attack and I don't wanna give him another by bring up a divorce. During his time in the hospital I never felt concerned for his well being and he began to ask why I was being so cold toward him. I began to tell him my feelings about us and the relationship and how I feel he is not the person I married 17 years ago. He proceeds to tell me that he was just acting back then and just being the person he though I wanted him to be. I was shocked for sure to hear this. So a few weeks later he is home again and recovering fine and i see no changes in how he acts (was hoping the heart attack may have opened his eyes and heart a little bit) but this sadly did not happen. So I once again have a talk with him about us separating though this time I had a plan laid out on how I would like to see things happen between us and hopefully could remain friendly for the kids sakes. This is where it gets confusing for me. For the past 3-4 weeks since that talk he has been the husband I had been asking him to be for the past 12 years. He is saying he loves me all the time, helping with chores, doing daily devotions with me, taking time to talk with me, etc. These are things he NEVER did in the past. He is also saying he knows its his fault because of how he has acted and understands that I have closed my heart to him. My concern is that this is just an act. Do men really change like that all the sudden? In all the past discussions, counseling, and other things I never saw a change but I also never truly said I want out like this past time. He is being the husband i want to be with but i also don't want to waste time if things are gonna go back to how they were. Hopefully someone has some thoughts or suggestions. Thank you very much!!.

Hi Stephanie,

It’s difficult to say isn’t it? Maybe your determination to leave has, this time round, called his bluff and he’s putting an effort in. Call me cynical, but I’m a strong believer that past behaviour is a predictor of future behaviour though...Sadly, I suspect (but I hope I’m wrong), is that this is a ‘honeymoon period’ before matters revert back to the way they were prior.

As a potential way forward, why don’t you set a mental deadline. If he’s ‘acting,’ it’ll be difficult for him to keep the charade up, for say, 3 or 6 months - every day! Don’t tell him that he’s being ‘tested’ or he may see it as a spiteful game to manipulate you through...Instead, quietly set yourself a deadline date you will look back on, and review, how things have been between you over the previous few months. This gives you something to aim for/some breathing space right now and time - so if you do end up leaving him, you won’t look back, potentially mentally beating yourself up-wondering if you’d stayed with him, if he would have proved to you that he had, indeed, turned over a new leaf! As I say, I’m a believer that a leopard doesn’t change its spots, but...it would be awesome if I’m proved wrong!

Hedging your bets this way, gives you some peace of mind-you have a plan, you have a timescale to review the situation by, and you have control over your future; whether that’s to stay or go. 🤗 Good luck!

It sounds like he is gaslighting you, but I don't know enough about him. I recommend that you listen to these podcasts. https://www.stephanielynlifecoaching.com/podcast