My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. He treats me like a roommate, I can't even tell you the last time he hugged or kissed me on his own. Probably 3 years ago. He's always on his phone and barley talks to me. I have to start every conversation and even then his head is still in his phone and I get 1 word replies. I'm not happy with him and think about leaving everyday but I know if I leave I'll be living with my parents again on a very small island with no potential relationships in the future. In my head it's either have the nice house, babies, pets but a ****ty husband or be single and alone for years.

This is hard for me to share with anyone but I feel psychologically abused and manipulated. My husband and I have been together for 18 years and our problems started early on in our relationship. I was 21 and he was 31 and I believe some of our issues were because of our age difference. I thought he was my knight and shining armor but turned out to be my correctional officer. I was not mature enough to see the signs of him controlling me. He isolated me from my family, convinced me that no one would want me, called me bad names, and have tried to turn my children against me. Over the years of maturing and seeing the truth I’m disappointed in myself because I allowed him to control my life. I have no say so with our children even now there older. The home we bought together he says it’s his because we used his veteran loan however it was my credit and income that got us the home. He’s constantly watching porn and compared me to other women. He’s had an affair before and I feel like it’s probably happened again.

He worked probably 10yrs of our relationship the other years were all on me or he was on unemployment for some not all. He’s currently now on social security because he recently started having seizures which I believe were from drugs and alcohol abuse. I feel bad because I don’t want anything to happen to him but I feel trapped and a stranger in my own home. In December of 2020 he moved out of our bedroom because he said, I don’t know how to communicate with him and it’s partially true because I shut down because he over powers me by over talking me and starts yelling. I’m not a yeller, I cry out of frustration and when I cry here comes the name calling. He said, he wanted a divorce and told me I needed to move out and in January he changed his mind because he needed financial help. Everything has to be convenient for him and I always have put myself last. He and my older son have a rocky relationship that he takes out on me and says it’s my fault. When things go bad it’s my fault but when things are good it’s because of him.

I want my life back as I am crying writing this. I need help understanding am I alone? Are there other women out there who are or have gone through something similar? I feel lost and confused. A couple of days ago I told him he can have the home and I just want my name off so I can find a place of my own. I have never lived alone and I don’t know what to do. Please pray for me and if you have words of wisdom please share because I need it right now.

Fight. That’s the word that springs to my mind.
Fight for your rights, your freedom, your rightful share of the house and assets. Fight for the right to express yourself, who you are and show him and the world the self-belief and dignity you still have within you, despite years of being put down, gaslit, belittled and blamed for situations that were not of your making.

He’s held all the cards for years. He’s controlled ‘the game.’ Show him you have an ace up your sleeve - It’s called JUSTICE.

Get yourself a lawyer. You’ve said he’s called off getting a divorce purely for his financial convenience: Not because he loves you - but because he plans on continuing to use you and the current situation to suit him. I would write an expletive here, but suffice to say, you need to emancipate yourself from allowing him to continue to call the shots!

You are a grown woman. You have legal rights. Him saying the house is all his, is utter BS. Don’t let him have 100% of its worth. You’ll need your share to build a new life for yourself. Don’t leave the relationship on his terms because it’s clear he’s only thinking of himself.

It can be confusing, scary and daunting to disentangle yourself from a relationship that has blown hot and cold. So much time, so much effort expended in trying to love, and trying to be loved, by a brick wall. Unresponsive. Cold. A barrier blocking your path towards happiness and fulfilment.

Please find yourself a lawyer, and if possible, a counsellor also. He’s used to calling the shots so he’s not going to like it when you stand up for yourself-because that means his dominance over you is threatened. Prepare yourself for a fight. Men who exhibit the kind of behaviours he is, can be spiteful during divorces. They can be punitive and petty. Is there someone you can stay with while the divorce is proceeding? Can you start discretely moving objects of sentimental value out if the home into storage? Unfortunately, objects that have meaning often get damaged on purpose by a vengeful ex. Better to move them to safety before he’s aware that divorce is going to happen.

Based on what you’ve written, divorce is a must. It’s a pretty miserable situation for you. The alternative to divorce is remaining in a relationship where you’re put down and belittled, controlled, dominated psychologically, financially controlled, and maybe cheated on too. No woman is expected to put up with that-even if highly religious. While mental health can often be treated with medication and psychological support, personality is fixed. No matter how much a woman ‘wills’ their partner to change, to improve the relationship-If the spouse’s personality is cold, cruel and manipulative, then that’s how they’ll be all their life.

Ps. My reply is to Shawn’s post.

You are stronger than you think and your happiness and freedom and worth it even if the prize is leaving your partner behind.

I will tell you briefly my case, as this may help.


I was in a similar situation, married for 14 years. Years ago, my ex-partner stated making comments about my background and my family I originally thought he was making silly jokes but then the behaviour escalated to full blown xenophobic speeches every other moth, then every week, then at any time which I took silently for years. In addition to the above my ex-partner was a compulsive liar and had serious anxiety and mental health issues which he refused to accept, and I continued accepting all that behaviours for years. I tried so hard and my friends started seeing how sad I was and I felt embarrassed to say anything, I felt ashamed and sad. He would also tell me every day that I was unwell, that something was wrong with me, that something was wrong in my head, he tried to destroy my self-confidence but didn't manage to.

I moved out of the bedroom a few months back as I could not even share the smaller space with him. He would wake me up before dawn shouting, blaming me for his bad health. Every time I heard him walking into the room I was in, my heart would jump as I was worried ans scared of the new abuse he would inflict on me.
When pics were taken I could see how sad and miserable I looked while trying to pretend I had a happy family for my daughter. I begged him for years to please accept we were done and to separate. He would not accept any of that.

Last year, my daughter started crying, being sad for no reason and that was the last push I needed. It takes a lot of courage to leave, it is so hard and it is incredibly daunting, and I was very scared to start over a s ingle mum but I gathered the courage to walk away. I left my property behind, my belongings, I just managed to take away a few bits and pieces to get by. I was so scared but I had amazing support from very few friends as I managed to situation very quietly as it was a sensitive matter.

It has been 4 months since I took the step. I started over, I furnished a new apartment with love and with the small amount of things me and my daughter needed to be happy and calm.

The night I left, I slept well and through the night, it was the best nigh sleep I had had for years and it was so worth it.

I am not going to lie, it is hard but my happiness is worth it, I look better, I feel better, I am relaxed and calm. I had a massive waive of support from everyone and to my surprise everyone had noticed how sad and miserable I was.

I am now fighting a very expensive legal battle as he is being the most difficult person I can think of and you need to be prepared, physically and mentally to let things go. It will be hard to draw a balance to begin with as abusers often try to continue abusing you through your children but that cannot be forever and I am sure you will be the best woman and mum you can. Your kids will surprise you about how mature and understanding they can be.

Do take legal advice as this can help you to plan ahead.

You can do it, choose you over anything else.

Good luck!

This happened to me. I’m currently considering divorce because my husband watches porn and can’t seem to be sexually connected to me. He also hates himself so when he sees I’m confident he gets jealous. I wish I had answers for you but I’m trying to find some as well

I’ve been married for 30 terrible years and I promise he will never change. You want a happy life then get out now!

As I read these stories I’m angry with my own situation. I have live with this man for 30 years and there’s not one thing that stands out as a happy moment. He is controlling and a master of it. He knows exactly how to manipulate and brags about how good he is. I want to leave but also afraid of “the new life”! As mean as he is, he has always taken care of me. I has surgery last week and he was the perfect nurse! So confused...

I’ve been married for 7 year he’s cheated he hides his phone I know I’m miserable but I just can’t leave I’ve tried but I always cry and ask him to stay I feel dead inside.