Hi Ann,

I remember reading your original post!

He sounds quite angry and manipulative. If you’ve divorced him, have you received a settlement $ figure? Is this worked out at the time of the divorce, or separately?

He could potentially be selling off assets so as to not have to declare them! I’d be pushing your lawyer to set a court date. A court can issue a subpoena, mandating that he has to produce evidence of all his assets by a certain date. That way, you can at least see what he has. Be quick about this-don’t hang around, because 50% of ‘something’ (if that’s what the court decides), is better than 50% of ‘not a lot’ if he’s disposed/or hidden assets!

No matter who leaves who: It usually takes at least 13 months to ‘get over’ an ex spouse. 13 months-because by that stage, you’ve already had to go through your birthday, their birthday, your anniversary, Valentine’s Day and XMas without them present. For some/many-the grieving process and sense of sadness/anger/loss takes a lot longer-It’s a very personal journey. Getting your financial settlement sorted out, can at least be a positive step forward on the pathway towards getting back some control and direction over your life.

Be patient and kind towards yourself and polite, yet firm and busy towards him and getting your financial future sorted out. 🤗

Hi Kaz
All the years I lived with him I am the one that took care of doing the income tax returns, paying the bills , mortgages utilities etc... with the joint account we still have...until the divorce is settled. (I do not have an individual account with my own name ) only joint accounts
My attorney gave him until April 2 to disclosure all the assets , even though the divorce papers was filed on October 2020 (he had plenty of time to provide to his lawyer)
I do not want 50% of what I am entitled during a divorce
I already chose what rental properties I will take care of (which will be less of what I suppose to get) That’s ok and I know I will be able to survive financially of what I chose..and he will be too ...the reason I chose less so I just want this divorce to be over and done...so I can start living on my own place since I have been staying with my son /daughter in law Place....(even though they are both happy having me around)
But sometimes when I think of him , I wonder why he treated me that way...
. Every time we argue for silly things why he cannot just
Solve it In a peacefully way without cursing at each other, or pushing me etc... and than next morning without saying I am sorry he just start talking to me without guilt (like nothing happened)
I remembered when he told my Kids when they were teenagers
“Either my way or the highway” and also one time he told me if an item is black color but is actually white color I need to agree with him that is black even though the item is white ...That’s why he always tell me “I am never on his side” for not agreeing with him .
He Does not feel sorry for some of the tenants that is struggling Paying rent during COVID-19 and he is charging late fees when they cannot pay their rent on time ... I cannot say anything because he will say (why am I being on their side).....
I had enough as much as it hurts me that I filed for divorce back October without telling him and I just took off from the house because I was afraid that he was going to kill me after he told me
“U lucky to be alive” and I responded to him
(How can you say u lucky to be alive to your own wife and the mother of your kids ) and he did not even bother to say Nothin like
I did not meant it or sorry or anything :(
Hopefully he will realized what he did and learned from it
All I want for him to find someone so this person will take care of him when he is getting older (he is 63 yrs old) ....
The only person close to him is his sister ....
(I heard that he got used to being alone even though he is getting old and it”s sad of what happened to our marriage )
And he have the guts to say To his tenant lover(which he had an emotional affair in 2011) that he did not do anything and swearing to GOD and he wonder why I suddenly stopped talking to him when the argument happened in October 2020...and he was telling her also
That he does not call his kids anymore and now it”s my kids only...and he had the gut to called my 2 kids (stupid) because he is thinking that they are the one that pushed me to get divorce ....(which is not true- that was my decision)
I caught all this conversation on the ring camera
Can you believe it?( swearing to GOD and he is an Eucharist on the Church I used to go with him on Sundays)
GOD watches everything
Thank you for listening to my stories
Take care
Be safe 🤗

You sound like a lovely person who has been controlled by a narcissist. Sadly, you are not alone in such situations.

He won’t like it one bit that you’ve taken control by initiating a divorce. Trying to blame your children for your decision to divorce him is yet another form of control and abuse. How childish, tantrum-like and selfish of him. Don’t worry-as long as you keep reassuring your Chikdren that they are not to blame, not at fault, and that you love them-that’s all you can do. HE is responsible for HIS actions as an adult. Not you. Not your children. Have you looked up the term ‘gas lighting?’ If not, take a look...It’s an eye-opener and was for me also - I was in a controlling and manipulative marriage with a domineering husband and felt I was pretty useless at most things (cooking, parenting, finances etc) - simply because he would put me down fir years and years. Since watching YouTube videos on narcissism and gaslighting, it was like a lightbulb came on for me! I suddenly understood why I’d felt so useless, so second rate in my marriage, despite trying to please him at detriment to myself and my own happiness.

Please don’t waste your emotional well-being on him I’m wondering how he’ll be! He’ll be just fine-narcissists always are. It’s time to focus on you and your own well-being now. How will YOU be? How will you empower yourself to live a happier, more fulfilled life?

It worries me that you’re planning on accepting less financially than you’re potentially entitled to: Again...this sounds like a victim who is just wanting peace and not to be slammed by a controlling ex-spouse. For some women, accepting less is a way to escape from abuse. Maybe for you, accepting less is worth the value of peace of mind you’ll get from getting out of the relationship? But please at least find out your rights fully. Narcissists have a way of cutting their exes out of their lives completely -it’s all part of the control and manipulation process. Or...they’ll try to ‘guilt’ their ex -like he’s doing in blaming your kids.

It’s tough re Covid for your tenants, but also try to separate out the business side of your life, from your personal life. By definition, you are currently ‘homeless,’ because you are residing with your kids ‘couch surfing’) and relying on their generosity for you to have a roof over your head. Think about yourself first therefore before tenants. I’m not being callous here-although it might sound like I am! I’m being realistic-What will happen to you when the divorce is finalised? Will you be able to buy a home or rent a home for yourself? What does the long term picture look like?

Good luck with gaining your emotional and financial freedom. Keep going with the deadline your lawyer has given him. Keep all correspondence going through the lawyer. Don’t communicate directly with your ex as he may use your good nature to try to persuade you/guilt you into accepting terms that are in his interest, rather than yours...

🤗

Hello again
Thank you for your wise words ....
Thank GOD our financial situation is well...after dividing the assets iI will survive financially when the divorce is finalized Even though I chose few Rental Properties that I will be managing myself (which I know how to handle )
I am trying my best not to think about him... but sometimes I cannot control my feelings....when I get emotional my Kids worry and get sad seeing myself go through this (they are afraid that I will go back to him and will make the same mistake by forgiving him just like I did in 2011 when I filed for separation) which I will not ....and I do not want to go back to him even as a friend (it is what it is ) I have to be strong
I am trying my best
Maybe this is what GOD wanted me to do to make this decision to divorce him
And punishing him for cheating on me and treating me the way he did or treating other people with no respect or mercy ....
Once the divorce is over I will get a place to call my own ...does not matter how big or small
I wished I could do this now but I will wait until the divorce is settled ...
One of my friends told me (he was never a happy camper) he does not know what he had until he looses
I am not perfect either but I will never be disrespectful or treat anyone bad ...
(Treat the person the way you want to be treated )
Nobody is perfect
Like you mentioned all I want to live a peaceful life
I did search on (gaslighting) There are some of this character on him (you are right)
Thank you again Kaz
You are the best 👍 🤗
Wishing you the best of everything 🙏✌️

Good Morning Kaz
Hope you are well!
When I heard him talking to his male friend he said (he got used to being alone but it is sad being alone and he is too old to find somebody )
Why I feel sorry for him ???
Even though I do not want him back in my life
I missed my 3 (three) little dogs more than I missed him
Stay safe 🙏
God Bless you