Hey hun,
I can feel the pain from your words. I’m in the USA, 33 yr old woman and in the middle of divorcing a man I thought I would spend forever with. What relates to me from your story is that I was your husbands role in our marriage. Married to a man who didn’t love me as he “pretended” to. I was the woman everyone was telling him not to lose, she’s great, don’t mess it up, etc. So he tried. Until he couldn’t anymore. I was broken. Lost complete sense of self and identity. But I later realized it wasn’t Bc of him, it was Bc I didn’t love myself enough. Enough to be the real me, enough to put aside what he thinks or expects of me culturally as a wife and just enjoy my life. Do the things that make me happy. I can say I was over cautious with him Bc he had a rough childhood, lost a lot of family & friends young and was misunderstood by many.
I felt Bc I understood him and loved him as he was, I should do more to show him that. Be more loving, be around always, support him regardless, etc. As I think back, our fights, the yelling and all the emotional & even physical abuse wasn’t worth it but I did realize that when I thought I was telling him how I really felt, I wasn’t. And same with him. We were just saying what we disliked about one another without really saying how we’re feeling. Or what we expect. I was afraid to hurt his feelings Bc he would lash out at me.
Express yourself. Say what you really want. I wish I did. Even if it’s a weekend alone to process what you feel. He might even feel the same way. Spend time with your childhood friends and reminisce on who you are.
Yes your husband loves you but if you can’t reciprocate that Bc you think the grass is greener on the other side, it’s not. It’s only greener where you water it. If you feel this way Bc of another lover in your life, that’s not really his fault. But if you don’t speak up, nothing will change.
Marriage is not easy, and this life is not either, but they’re both worth it from what I keep hearing. Sending you good vibes.