Angela,

Thank you for taking the first steps reflecting on your experience and putting it in writing. I resonated with your experience.

I’m in the last stages of my divorce now, married 15 years. As I got older I became less and less content with my feelings and needs never being acknowledged in any meaningful way and always being “last.” A few years I consulted a male psychologist after still dealing with a dead bedroom and the lack of primacy and respect even after achieving and maintaining a healthy and attractive body through diet and exercise. He told me the tantrums would only get worse as my husband aged. He told me my husband’s behavior was not due to a lack of attraction. He always claimed victim hood, never said sorry, would constantly have me wondering if I was going to be woken up in the middle of the night to manage his emotions, would let his parents treat me poorly and tell me to deal with it.

I’m being blunt. It will not get better but as you grow in strength as you are right now, you will become more resentful because your needs and desires are not being met by the relationship. He is not capable of it, even though you wish it were otherwise. You are dealing with covert narcissistic emotional abuse. You are not responsible for him, only yourself. Consider the subtle violence you’re doing to yourself by staying. I really felt I might lose my soul if I continued.

The resentment will eventually start to change you and I hope you are working with a therapist. As you continue to challenge him you will see more of the manipulation. My husband called me a rebel and would talk back silently mouthing words instead of engaging even when I asked him to communicate. To prove it to myself, I began to document each instance with date time and sometimes photos. It was clear he was being manipulative most of the time and every time I delayed or refused to supply his comfort (late meal, belly rub, foot soak, problem solving, managing his folks etc). He would throw things and leave me to clean up the mess. He would chip my car door with his and claim it was my fault for parking too close. He would feign illness anytime I attempted to hold him accountable. He would say I was hurting him if I didn’t follow his constantly changing rule set.

I also started my own bank account and consulted an attorney. Both he and my therapist told me my plans to leave and divorce would not be taken well and to act decisively. When you are ready plan thoroughly and discuss your plan with your attorney and therapist so you stay safe. There are some subtle logistics involved if you need to avoid a confrontation. Every interaction I’ve had with my ex directly or undirectly since I left had been unpleasant. He first tried blubbering like a baby saying it wouldn’t hurt so much if he didn’t love me(notice how this is backwards). I saw him shift when this didn’t work in a literal moment. He was telling me I didn’t believe in divorce. Then lecturing me on how I made things inconvenient. Then trying to get me to pay for a replacement for all my housework- literally said he couldn’t do housework and I should pay for a maid and cook and snow removal. There’s never been any offer to change, to offer anything and he wants more than half of the marital assets even though he makes more money.

Be prepared to mourn what you thought you knew and that your inklings were right. It will be painful but don’t you want someone to love you for who you are and not your usefulness to them? You’ll only be seen as an asset to use up, not as the amazing person you are and will continue to become. I’m humbled and grateful at how much support I received from family and friends even though I lost my standard of living temporarily and my former community. You can rebuild. You are capable and you will learn what you need to know at the right time if you keep on questioning and involving professionals to help you.

I hope this helps. It’s been good for me to reflect tonight how much better my life is now even though there’s still some pain for me to process as I finalize.

Hi Anna,

Thanks so much for replying and sharing you experience.

I don't have professionals helping me yet. I have reconnected with a friend and have talked to her about leaving soon. She basically said it was about time and that I was going to enjoy my freedom.

I am working covertly trying to prepare while still maintain a calm house so it is not acknowledged out in the open. even if he has a inckling which I think he has that I am quiet unhappy. Until I actually say it to him and serve him with papers I don't think he will believe it.

About 2 month ago when he threw another tantrum. I said what you ****** about and it was I ate the last of something that was his favorite. I had no idea it was his favorite. I have realized over time he will make stuff up. I flat out said I can't take this anymore. Do you want a divorce and he flippantly said "sure why not". I said how would you like to do this and he was silent.

Next day he came to me and said well I can't get mad at you if I never told you it was my favorite. All I thought to my self was "WRONG and WRONG. You should feel grateful I remember what you like and look for those things in the groceries store and if I forget what one of your favorites are, you can remind me but give me a break you don't have a right to scold me and be P1 ssed. But I knew saying that would get no where and only instigate him further.

He didn't apologize and say sorry I should behave more like an adult.

You know one time he got P! ssed at me because I got the mail and threw a tantrum saying I knew he liked to get the mail and that was the only time he got outside. Like he couldn't go outside other times? So now I don't get the mail. But I wonder what he was hiding back then or even now. Yes ladies I am forbidden to get the mail. Make sense of that?

So, I have threatened divorce in the past, almost left like 4 years ago after a major secret that came out and he was still doing it putting his life in harms way. Swore he change. He did in small ways but nothing major. Still an ass still throwing tantrums but hey at least he does the dishes now.
Did the whole thing talked to 2 lawyers a mediator, got a po box, own banking account where my checks where deposited, started packing thing up but hiding the boxes in the house (they are still hidden ready for me to leave) looked at apartments at that time but then he had a stroke.

Wounde up closing everything cause we did start therapy but then I found out he was seeing a therapist individually and not talking about anything significantly he didn't even tell him there was no sex. He spent an entire session talking about my brother. My brother who he doesn't interact with and he has only met 2 times. The therapist found that out by my visit about the sex stuff, after 3.5 months of 2 days per week sessions and the guy said oh really you need to see a sex therapist.

I was just talking to my friend and told her that I feel like I am battling for my soul with him. That I am a possession for him to use. So this "love you for who you are and not your usefulness to them" really hit home.

And I totally feel responsible if I hurt him and been struggling with that. But that struggle is getting less and less the more I realize what a horse patoot he is.

My main concern is how to get out of the marriage and get the house sold with the least amount of stress.. Continue living with him quietly getting the house ready for sale. There are a few things in the house that need to be taken care of like mold in the attic replacing the front gutter that fell and then ripped down by him when he was P1 ssed because he didn't maintain the gutters never cleaned them. And the upstairs bathroom cabinet and tile. Maybe I need to talk to a realtor. If we did nothing what would be get versus doing something. Mold in the attic is common where I live. But I know that has to get addressed.

Then trying to figure out if I want to move out and try to sell the house or stay and try to sell it.

I am worried about his temper. It can rear up he has broken the door to the garage, the dryer drawer, thrown things a couple of times physically abused the dogs in minor ways, chest butt me a couple of times and started a shoving match with me.. One time he gave me a look to kill told him to leave the house and don't come back until he doesn't want to kill me. He did leave and stayed at a hotel for the night. then there is the whole road rage crap.

I think the only reason he doesn't get more physical is because I have flat out told him at the start of the marriage what would happen if he ever laid a hand on me. And he knows I am strong from sports and his equal physically in strength.

I did sign up for another po box, signed up for another cell phone number and started storing some cash to use to pay some lawyers to talk to them so he wouldn't know.

I am curious how did you tell your husband? Did you stay with him or did you leave? Was selling the home difficult with a covert narcissistic emotional abuser? How long did your divorce take?