Hello Shanna,

First and foremost, I am very sorry to hear what you are going through :( I do have to say that even though your individual issue is definitely a painful one, at least it sounds like it is not one of the crazier ones out there. If you read the book "20 Years Gone: A Divorce Story" by amateur author Dorian Wright, you will see that your situation could be MUCH worse! At least he has been forthcoming, and you have not had to become a detective to figure out what you *think* is going on.

My thoughts are, if you are not tied to a job in your new location, and you have family willing you to take you in back home, I would take this opportunity NOW to get the kids back to a comfortable environment, since this issue could take some time to resolve, and you are currently a stranger in a strange land. If you pull them out of the current environment, yes, they will be away from their father, but, they will be safe from COVID, fights, you continuing to show your emotions (which they WILL pick up on, trust me), and other currently unforeseeable events. It will also put them in a more comfortable and familiar setting with school about to start back up. I would also get on the phone right away with an attorney, see if your family can refer anyone. DO NOT WAIT ON HIM to drive the situation. He's already now made it public that he wants a change. Don't sit around and wait on him for things to just work out- think about your kids, and your future. Best of luck to you.

Thank you for your response. You are right things could be so much worse. It’s hard to see it dealing with everything right now, but I know it’s true. My 6yo just started school yesterday and loves it. I would hate to pull him out and I don’t even know exactly where I would go. My family would take me in, but I don't know if that’s where I want to stay (small town, everyone knows everything and not sure I could find a job there) I don’t even think I could leave if I wanted to because legally the kids need to stay here since we have had residence here for 1year. I would need my husband to sign off to let me leave with them. I have reached out to a lawyer to make sure I’m ahead of the game when this all goes down. It’s hard not to stick around waiting for things to change because it’s all so shocking to everyone. Even is family is reaching out to me trying to change his mind. I don’t think there is anyone else. He just seemed to fall out of love, but says I’m an unbelievable person and is still attracted to me so I don’t see how he can’t even try to make this work. He says he loves me but isn’t in love with me. He says he doesn’t want our family split up, yet that’s what seems to be happening.
I’m sorry I’m just having such a hard day. I don’t know how much one can cry over a situation. You would think I would run out of tears at some point :(

Hi there! I assure you what you are going thru & feeling is totally valid. However I think you fail to realize something important here (& this may come across a little harsh and by no means do I mean it to come across that way but) you have a choice in all of this (I know you're probably thinking "no I don't, he's made his mind up, he doesn't want to be with me, he wants this to end, etc"). But you do have a choice. You have a choice in how you pick up the pieces and you decide where you go from here. Don't leave it up to him to leave you lingering around waiting to see if he'll come "around" and fall in love with you again. You are worth more than that. I know it's devastating what you're going thru! It's painful! You're heartbroken! You don't understand.
If you want advise, I suggest you stay where you are (living in the town you are currently in), seems your kids are happy there, no reason to uproot them right now. Also, you are in a better position to negotiate terms thru this separation.
Also, if you aren't working & have no income, your soon to be ex will likely have to support you until you can find reasonable employment.
There's a lot about to happen & it sounds like you've already made a good 1st step by contacting an attorney. The next step should be to find a counselor. They are a great resource & can help tremendously with navigating the roller coaster of emotions you are going thru and will experience thru this long difficult process.
Keep your head up honey & remember you are much stronger than you ever imagined!!

Dear Shanna,
This is my first time on this forum, and your post is the first one I saw. Your story is identical to mine, I feel like I was reading my own words.
My husband of 20 years just told me, days before our anniversary, that he doesn't love me anymore. That he hasn't loved me in two years. That he wants a divorce.
He's not having an affair, he is just done and ready to move on with his life. I am completely blindsided. Like you, he has no interest in trying to repair things. And I am agonizing over why and what I'm supposed to do.
I have a 16-year-old daughter, and our families on both sides are super close. For now, he wants to play it cool and pretend like everything is fine while we "figure things out." I'm not supposed to tell anyone until then, which is fine because I am so humiliated, embarrassed, and full of shame, I don't know who I would turn to anyways.
I, too, am trying to find places in the house to cry so that no one will see me. I'm rocked to my core and don't know what even know what to do next.
I just wanted you to know that you're not alone out there, that I 100 percent know exactly what you're going through, and I don't know where to turn next either. :(

Hey Shanna,

Just wanted to say thank you for reaching out and being vulnerable. I find myself in a similar situation. I have two kids 10, 8 and my spouse of 13 years came to me yesterday to tell me he doesn’t want to be married anymore, that he hates his life and being tethered to me. He says he has been miserable for the last 7 years, and needs to “find himself.” He also threatened to kill himself a few times, (which has been a guilt tactic).

In my unique situation, I worry 100% for my financial security. I work part time, rent, have no savings, a ton of debt. I’m currently looking into any supports through government funding and other non profit organizations. I’ve written down my bills, income, child tax income etc. I’ve looked at where I can separate finances and cut costs.

I’m devastated. As I know you are too. I am taking time to seek therapy, get involved in a local support group and have reached out to one old friend for personal support. I have not told my family, as I feel great shame and fear of judgement and advice.

I think the kids won’t be as hard hit as I create in my mind. He’s not always a present father to begin with, but I will look for therapy options for them as well.

I feel so alone. This place of limbo is not fun and I’m the only one having to deal with emotions, he’s walking around living life. I am quietly suffering.

My advice to you is, connect with ALL of your family and friends from back home, get as much support as you can. Look into groups, and therapy and definitely look into cleaning up your finances. You need to fend for yourself now and that’s all there is to it. Buy all the self help, spiritual, personal growth books, write yourself some goals and timeline. Write about everything. Be good to yourself. Be gentle to yourself. You are worth more. You are worth effort, consideration and love.

What a **** show. Hugs sweet Shanna. I’m right in the thick of it with you. If nothing else, know you’re not alone.