Hi, everyone. I left my narcissistic husband a six months ago. Initially, I left for a few weeks and stayed with my sister when I found out he was lying about and manipulating me for money. I left in the middle of the night and did not give him warning. I didn't even know I was going to do it until I did. I went back and tried couples' counseling, but even the therapist thought we should break up. His true self came out when I confronted him about his lies--he became vicious and ruthless. And told more lies. Does that sound familiar? I told him I wanted to separate, but he delayed moving out of the apartment. I didn't have the strength to spend another day around him and I didn't have the confidence to change the locks and kick him out. So I left again in the middle of the day while he was at work. My exit wasn't thought out like you're planning yours. I was running on pure instinct and adrenaline, so I made a lot of mistakes. I admire your strength in preparing a clean exit.

Angela:

Yes, they absolutely get darker and nastier. Mine even threatened to kill himself when I left him. A narcissist cannot tolerate the rejection and will lash out at you. You will become his worst enemy.

If he really is a narcissist, he won't negotiate with you or compromise. You're in for an ugly battle. Unfortunately, I'm still in the battle and can't encourage you with a triumphant story. I left him six months ago and he still won't agree to a separation agreement and easy divorce. He wants me to suffer as much as possible, while continuing to suck my time and energy.

What I wish I understood, in retrospect, is that a narcissist always wants to win. So they will fight for the things you want, even if they don't want those things themselves.

I don't think he will willingly leave the house. You should plan on having to take him to court to get your share of the equity.


Amanda:

Can you slowly move a few things to your mother's place over a few weeks? And when you're ready to leave, wouldn't a walk around the block with the dog be the perfect excuse? You can send a simple text later saying it is over and you're gone.

Do free consultations with several lawyers so they can tell you what to do to prepare. Try to get copies of financial documents. You may not want any money, but you're going to need it for the legal fight.

Lastly, my advice is to not tell your husband or his family where you are going. They sound extremely abusive and controlling, so expect that they will verbally abuse you, call you all sorts of names, and try to make you feel guilty for leaving. It will be painful, so do your best to limit contact from them. Change your phone number and delete your social media accounts. Don't engage. Cut off all contact. If they show up at your mother's house, call the police.

To all:

I took the dog with me--I paid for him a few months before we got married and was his primary caregiver, so the dog was legally mine. Take the dog with you and worry about the legal fight over it later. It sounds like you're the primary caretaker for the dog, which is usually justification for claiming it. The key is to not let the narcissist know that you care about the dog in the divorce. Change the subject and ask for something you don't want. If he insists on talking about the dog, say something like, "The dog is so much work, you shouldn't have to be burdened with it."

Oh, if you're in a state that requires cause for divorce, gather evidence of his emotional abuse. Like, write down specifically the things he says. That will help your lawyer.

In a few short months, the fog will start to lift and you'll be happier than you've ever been in your life. I can't wait to hear about it.