You are at a standstill because you are waiting on someone else to make the decision for you. Stop doing that, you need to file for divorce. It's that simple. You don't need to wait on your ex to agree with you or help you make this decision. (I sound harsh & I don't mean to be. However, it sounds like you need a wake up call. 9 yrs is a long time to be waiting around when the power is in your control.)
As far as custody goes, (I'm not sure what state you are in or how the laws are there) as long as you have a stable home & a bedroom for your children it would be difficult for your ex to get sole custody (if that is what you are worried about).
Don't wait any more, the decision is yours to stay stuck in the standstill or move to the passing lane and get your life moving forward.
Best of luck
9 YEARS of separation. He doesn't want to get a divorce because he's a jackASS. This is where you need to get yourself together. Work build your credit. Get the documents needed for a separation. Go thru the process. Pray. Meditate. Drink your water. Get your rest and GROW. You still have children. Someone is looking at you. On top of that his girlfriend and him have a house?