I have so much to write but I will try to summarize it. I've been married for about 4 years now. Our relationship was great in the beginning. I realized now I was being love bombed. The person I'm married to feels like a completely different person from the beginning. He's selfish, manipulative, spiteful, rude, abusive. Before him I never really dated. I grew up strictly religious so it was out the question. When I left that faith I met him. He was like my best friend. Fast forward to early last year. I had fought with him and it got so bad. The build up to that explosive argument lasted 2 weeks. I suffer from clinical depression, panic disorder and ocd. I felt I was managing well but the events that led up to my mental breakdown were so bad I ended up in a psychward. He didn't visit me the week I was there. I'd call and he'd answer the phone with a flat "what." I decided when I got out I'd go back home to my father. The whole time I was there he called me and tried to pin everything going wrong on me. We ended up resolving that issue, I was hesitant to go back but he promised to "do better by me." I ask myself now, how co7ld I be such an idiot. About a month later him and his friends took a trip to Indonesia. I trusted him but late last year a woman called his phone while he was in the bathroom. I answered and she gadped when she saw me then hung up. I felt ny heart racing and my whole body felt hot. I was so shocked I just sat there looking at his phone. Moments later a text came in and it said "who is the woman on your phone?" I took a picture of her contact information and saved it to my phone. In my head I wanted to address it calmly but the moment he stepped into the room I went off. He told me it was a friend they met over there. He swore to god and all that bs and told me not to worry about it at all. He painted an innocent story but soon I found out it was a lie. I was angry so I kept my distance from him for a couple of days. Then suddenly while on instagram I got a notification. She had found my page through his. In the message she asked me who I was to my husband. I told her I was his wife. She told me they spent the whole time together when he was there. She sent me pictures and even a video of them having sex. I wanted to kill myself. For being so stupid. I internalized all of it. I felt so much at once I had another breakdown. I told him after confronting him that I'd be leaving. He begged and acted a fool to get me to stay. Then I found out I was pregnant. I was forced to abort. He made it seem like he would kill himself if I didn't. We aren't financially well off amd my pregnancy wasn't planned. The stress had been so much with all that was going on I went to the hospital 8 times. My heart rate would reach 160 bpm because I'd be panicking and ruminating over things I couldn't control. My ocd got so bad I was afraid of literally everything. Even with all that he kept forcing me to terminate my pregnancy. The fact that I did, I will always blame it on myself. I wish I had been stronger. The day I terminated my pregnancy I suffered an extreme emotional response. I ended up being admitted into treatment in a clinic. The time I was in there was pure hell for me. I was so emotionally unstable I couldn't even speak. My family still doesn't know the whole story. There is so much more to it that I can't even speak about. Here I am now. Receiving treatment and though I'm still married to him, I've actively started my own savings and have put everything I own in my name (my car, my dog, my own insurance etc...) I even buy my own groceries. I plan on leaving. I've secured many things for myself secretly in another state. He doesn't know. I guess my question is, is it possible to divorce from another state? I don't ever want to lay eyes on him again once I leave him.

Hi Raven,

First of all, I want to send u a virtual hug for being so strong. You clearly have great insight into the fact that his behaviours are the main driver behind your mental anguish and stress. To answer the phone with a flat ‘what?’ when you were in the psych ward (unless you called him over and over and over), was just cruel and disrespectful in his part.

So- He’s love-bombed you. He’s committed adultery. He’s rude and disrespectful towards you and probably prayed on you as a ‘victim’ when you were no longer surrounded by familiar friends and associates when in your religion. Guys like him deliberately go on the hunt for potential vulnerable persons. It’s part of narcissism. They feed on seeing their victim (often their intimate partner) crying, doubting themselves, being financially and emotionally dependent on them. They’ll try to socially-isolate their victim. Lack empathy. Lack remorse. Often other people see them as charismatic, charming etc, but it’s all a ‘game’ to them and it’s about ‘winning’ and doing what the hell they want, when they want, with whom they want etc. The way to get back at a narcissist is to leave and cut them out of your life entirely. Ignoring them drives them crazy, as it means they lose control over you (although expect a nasty legal divorce and prepare yourself by only communicating via a lawyer-never directly with him). Change your phone number, address etc. change the route you use to drive to work/where you shop for groceries etc and hope he gets bored eventually.

People like him can make their victims turn inwards-self-blame, self-harm, ‘losing your shut’ temporarily-are in fact, normal trauma responses, so please don’t give yourself a hard time about your mental health suffering. You have been victimised. You are a survivor of emotional and mental abuse. HE is the problem. Not you 🌞

I don’t live in the USA, so I can’t answer your question about divorcing. However, I think you are amazing and brilliant for starting to organise every thing in preparation for leaving him. Well done 🌸

I’m very sorry to hear that you felt bullied into terminating your pregnancy. Some grief and loss counselling might be helpful. I know this sounds heartless, but I really don’t meN it that way at all, but a little part of me is kind of relieved that you’re not going to still be tied to him via shared custody of a child. He might have even been able to prevent you and the child from moving interstate-meaning he would have had a ‘hold’ on you emotionally still for years after the child was born. Much better to wait and have a child with a nicer, kinder man who will treat your future child/ren with kindness and who will set a good example to them. Not in any way marginalising or downplaying how you must feel about the termination. Not at all. It’s a traumatic experience, so give yourself permission to grieve. It’s all part of the healing process that takes time.

I think you’re great! You’ve posted on here, you recognise that his behaviours are not ok and you’re taking action to get him out of your life, by getting ready to move away and divorce him. Hopefully, your mental well-being will settle back down to whatever ‘normal’ looked like before for you. Yes, you’ll still probably experience OCD, but when your heart rate and anxiety levels have settled down more, I’m hopeful that you’ll be able to find a lot more peace and inner, as well as outer, calm. I wonder if there is a not-for-profit helpline in your area that could answer your legal questioner: divorce?

Hugs 🙏