My heart breaks for you because you have a broken heart. My intuition based on all you have said is you are in a mind set where you are blaming everything on yourself, and that is probably based on the dynamics of the relationship you have built over the years with your husband. I would search out for yourself a good therapist, because if the divorce proceeds you are going to need support and have a professional help you navigate it. If you cannot afford a therapist go to a woman's trauma center. I hope things work out for you.
Teresa