My daughters are 27, 26, and 24. The oldest two both got married this summer. My husband of 30 years has left me for another woman completely unexpectedly and my daughters are devastated. They have cut off all contact with their dad and are incredibly supportive of me. My heart is broken for them as he was a wonderful, involved, and attentive dad who was very close with them. Does anyone have any advice on helping adult children navigate this? I'm emotionally destroyed by the person I loved and trusted since I was 17 years old but I'm more worried about my girls.
Hi, I’m so sorry to read about your situation. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for one spouse to up sticks and leave once a couple become ‘empty nesters’ (I.e your child have all grown up and flown the nest).
Couples whose relationship pivoted around raising their children, suddenly have loads of time where it’s just the two of them and they sit looking at each other across the breakfast table and realise they have nothing in common anymore! Or.. (usually the male) has a midlife crisis and panics they are running out of time in life and they want to try to grasp some glimmers of excitement - which often involves trying to act much younger than their physical real age; hence - sports cars, new, younger-looking clothing choices, a new relationship with a younger woman, listening to more ‘with it’ music etc etc.
Your chikdren’s reactions are protective towards you. They see the ‘betrayal’ you’ve been put through and they have rushed to your defence. The important thing is not to drive a wedge between them and their father. Try to talk with a therapist rather than berate their father in front of them. If they see and hear your grief/anger etc, they’ll no doubt feel protective of you and hateful against their father. Time is a good healer (as cliched as that sounds). It’s their decision as to whether they choose to ‘forgive’ him in time. If you want to help their healing process, keep the door open mentally for them that it’s ok to love both of you. There’s no need to take sides. He is equally their parent. He’s made a poor choice (in leaving you) as you and they see it, but he probably doesn’t see his actions that way. If they close the door to the possibility of ever re-connecting with him, that would be sad. Give them time…
In the meantime, make sure you get legal advice to protect your financial interests and assets. By doing this, you may have a legacy to eventually pass on to your adult children-rather than risking it all going to ‘his fancy woman.’ Also, try to see a counsellor. You were married for a long time…You also need to take care of your mental and emotional well-being to look after yourself-not just worry about them 🌸