Hi, so my son's father was incarcerated when our son was 6 months old. He received 10-30yrs in prison for unarmed robbery, drug charges, and I believe credit card theft charges. I ended our relationship a few months after. Our son has been under my care and in my custody his whole life, he will be 10yrs old next August. His father is being released in about 3 months from now. My son has periodically talked to his father in the phone over the years. But besides a quick call and a few words every few months, he does not know his father. He is aware who his dad is, I have always made sure my son knew who his father was and that he loved him, because he had asked me before why he didn't have a daddy when he was a young child. I've been through allot while raising my son in the best possible way and have done everything to make sure he has had everything he has needed. My son and I have a very close bond, he's definitely a mamas boy! So I guess here's where my worries are... I have been in a very serious relationship for the past 6 years with my fiance, whom my son refers to as his dad, but calls him by name. He also calls his biological dad his dad. My fiance and I both have jobs and have it own place and my son lives with us. I we are very involved in my son's education as he is in special education and we have an IEP for him. We also are involved with family services which have nothing to do with cps or court, but my son was diagnosed with ADHD so we decided to get involved and reach out so my son would have all the resources him and I needed to provide the best care for him and support. So now it is getting close to his father being released, over the last few years he has threatened to take custody from me when he gets out and other statements I feel were more him lashing out at the fact that I did not have much contact with him. My family and friends think his intentions when he comes home aren't as honest as he says. Over the last 9 months we have been in contact and he has asked me to drop the child support order that I had to make in order to get dhs help. I am agreeing to that, everyone thinks I'm crazy for not keeping him in cold support(I do not receive anything from child support or him since he's been in prison the last 91/2 years. I do feel in a way that he doesn't have his responsibility in the right place only because I feel that if it were me I would feel obligated to pay child support. But I also feel that I want to give him a chance and don't want that to be a something that hinders him from getting his life lined up for success when he is released. He recently met a girl k while in prison and from my understanding they are in a romantic relationship, how that happened while In prison I'm unsure of the full details but from what I gathered she was the gf of his cellmate who overdosed and passed away.... She also was pregnant and he had told me he was planning on adopting her unborn child and giving the child his last name. She was due over the summer, sadly she has a still born, which was very heart breaking. Also he said that his new gf has 3 other children that she lost custody of due to an illness he says? All sounds crazy to me. I'm grateful he has someone, especially because I already know she will be pregnant with in months after he comes home. If you haven't thought it yet, he still has allot to work on in my opinion. I am worried that he is asking me what I'm comfortable with when it comes to him seeing and being involved in our son's life. Unlike the past letters now he is very compromising, acting like he will be ok with what I'm ok with. But not only am I hearing family and friends about him being genuine or not. I am starting to have fears that he might blind side me and try to take him from me or try to have him live with him and I'd I thought that my son would be better off with anyone I would be the first to say it because I want the best for my son. But I know my son is safe and well taken care of with me. I feel that his dad will not be on the same track that we are with the teachers and family services. I'm afraid he might use my past against me which I have never been in any trouble but I am a recovering addict and am currently in a maintenance program and have been in this program for 3 years now. I work at the airport as a tug driver and own my home, I've come very far and continue to keep working hard to give my son the life he deserves. He has never gone without, I have always been there for my son no matter what. Sorry if I'm jumping around, I've never been good at getting my thoughts into words. I noticed the last I spoke with my son's dad the tone in his voice came off as he was upset to hear how great my job was coming along, and that struck me to think that his intentions are not as he says. And I hate to say anything bad about him but everyone that knows him has said that he still has not grown up and does not seem to understand the responsibility in caring for a child and that he has come off selfish and not thinking about what is best for our son. He actually asked me how I felt about moving out of state the other day because him and his new gf want to move to Arizona! Lol I just thought what?! You're not even out of prison yet and your asking me to uproot our son's life and mine because you want to move to Arizona, were in Michigan lol. My mom couldn't believe he even asked that and the more I thought about it I'm over here like wow. I get he's got allot of time to think in there but really!? I don't know I'm just concerned about the whole situation. I don't want my son to be shifted back and forth and/or have anything that will be stressful to my son. I want to slowly introduce my son's dad back into his life. I think he's expecting to get out of prison and our son be going wherever he's planning on living every day/weekend. And that is just to fast when my son does not know him. Also I have to keep in mind the what if his dad leaves again I want to protect him from that also. I just feel his dad has allot of pipe dreams and is going to really be hit hard when he gets out and realizes that life is allot more than sitting in cell. Everyone including my mom want me to terminate his rights but still have him in our son's life but make it so only I can make decisions and that I don't agree to joint custody because if he does move then I will have to have my son have 50 prevent of time with me and the other with his dad no matter what . I don't know what to do, I'm not vindictive and I feel filling for anything like that behind his back would be crappy. I also try to think of the tables were turned I would want a chance, although I know I would not be coming out after that long trying to uproot my child's life in any way, if be doing everything as smoothly and fitting to my child's life and needs to bring myself back into his life, unfortunately his dad isn't me... I don't know. What are your views on this whole situation? Has anyone else been in this sort of situation? It's hard to put everything in this long but short piece of writing. Thanks for reading

Hi, First, I think you need to see a lawyer ASAP. Go for full custody with visitation for him. If he’s truly interested in being part of his son’s life, he won’t move too far. You also need to continue with your program re: Addiction. He’s expecting to potentially waltz into bro your and your son’s lives, call the shots, maybe take custody of a child he hardly knows, move him in with a stranger and her chikdren, meaning your son would have to change schools, loose friends etc.

I’d focus on your son’s needs and well-being. Your ex is a grown man. Your son is still a child who needs stability, love and protection. Yes, you have a past that has involved some final interventions, but you sound as if you’re committed to doing what’s best for your son. You have your own home-ask the lawyer how you can protect this asset so your ex doesn’t try to claim part of it if you’re still married at this point. Alimony and a about making sure your son’s needs are met. He’s got off very lightly by not having to support your son financially for many years. I’d speak to the lawyer about that also!

Keep things very formal when he is released from incarceration. Don’t let him just ‘turn up’ at your door.