I am very conflicted and was wondering if anyone feels the same. We've been married for 21 years, and during this time, we've both been disrespectful to each other. My husband has cheated, and I have seen on the phone bill where he is talking to some woman at 1:30am in the morning. These things are not ok with me and have happened multiple times throughout our marriage. As such, in my head I feel that its time to move on. I am very resolved that I need to file the divorce, because I don't think anything will change. I don't trust him or believe anything he says. I have gone so far as to pay the lawyer and at the last minute told her to hold off.
My husband thinks we can work on it, I'm his soul mate, love of his life, all that but since the trust is so badly damaged I don't believe him. Also because I am the breadwinner, I am not sure if its just because he doesn't want to impact his lifestyle.
We live in the same house but barely communicate. My conflict comes about because while I am 100% sure this is what I want, somehow I just cannot make my self actually do it. I think about the kids and the loneliness and then I tell myself ok next week and next week never comes. I wake up at 3am very often trying to figure out why, and I pray about it (and I'm not religious) but I still seem to be stuck. Does anyone else have this issue, any thoughts on whats wrong with me?
I totally get this as I have also been married for 21 years with two kids! I have also been suspicious and pretty much believe mine husband has cheated as well. I could write a book on all the things he’s been up to but insists on “I’m crazy” and nothing has ever happened. Says “prove it!” Prove it! Non stop. I’ve seen snap chat codes on text coming through on his phone around Christmas and valentines, sending his location to someone, various sign in emails on history on his phone, nice clothes to work (he works construction) etc. it’s SO hard! I went to nursing school just because I knew this would come to an end some day and I would want a better life for me and the kids. He has his own business and he’s doing well. He now treats me like dirt. Even though I know deep down I’m a great mother, good person, and have a lot to offer. It’s hard to think of having to move out if your house, having to support (for me) myself and kids, etc. I’ve been with him for so long it’s hard to think about another life but I know just like you this isn’t right.
Hi Laura-Google the terms narcissistic coercive control and gas-lighting. It sounds as if he’s undermined your self-confidence over years of ‘drip-feeding’ negative comments to you.
Look up ‘co-dependency’ and ‘empath.’ I’d never heard if these terms before my husband’s behaviour became so emotionally neglectful and verbally abusive that I started looking online for answers/insight. Perhaps this is what is going on? 🌸
Thank you Brenda… I will do this now. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but being able to make the big changes. I know it’s not love. I’m just scared… big hugs for the sweet advice! ❤️
Hi Sherry-perhaps go see a marriage guidance counsellor together? Get him to fess up who he contacts and why at 1.30am. Is it another woman? Is it a helpline? He needs to be open and honest with you if he’s genuinely interested in your marriage succeeding-like he says he wants then he should be willing to share this information.
If not-ditch him! Once a cheater, always a cheater…
Oh, Sweetie! There is definitely nothing wrong with your suspicions. I think you already have arrived at a point of at least wondering what life may look like apart from your current circumstance. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to be honest about your feelings. You don't even have to act on them, just take a deep breath and take an honest look ... as if you are stepping aside for a moment as an onlooker, an outsider from your present circumstance. I was married for 25 years when I was finally brave enough to do this. You have options. Stay. Separate for a while.. Only you can decide what you want for your happiness.