I feel your pain. You don’t label it as such but it sounds like your husband can be emotionally abusive to you. I have been with a woman for 16 years and have put up to similar belittling comments, walking on eggshells around her moods and needing to bite my tongue and give in to her demands including to isolate from my family for years to avoid conflict.
It was only 2 months ago when my wife came out to me honestly about her cheating because she didn’t care what I thought anymore that I developed some clarity. previously I had been blindside by love and (on my side) complete devotion and loyalty to my wife. But now I recognise that she has a very serious personality disorder At the high end of the narcissistic spectrum. Looking into narcissistic personality disorder has helped me understand so much about my wife’s behaviour.
I am no longer in love or loyal (I told her our marriage was over) but I am still trapped cohabiting (in different rooms) and coparenting with her. I will not be able to leave until the kids leave home as I do not trust her alone for long periods around the kids without me there as buffer for them to protect them from her mood swings but also I know part of her narcissism is to try to turn the kids against me and alienate me from them. So no way will I leave and give her that opportunity to paint me as the bad guy. Instead I need to try to role
Model healthy relationships amd show empathy to the. Kids in contrast to her behaviour. But unfortunately I am also role modelling putting up with an abusive relationship. I hope they don’t copy that in their lives.

It’s one of the most difficult things a person can go through and to be honest it’s really making me move on faster. Your correct in that emotional abusive is right on! For example today.., our neighbor is handicapped and yes as a RN I fo have a huge heart for individuals with disability. However, this person does not get the fact that you need an invite to always be over, right. Well, the deal was my husband was going to ask nicely to please just give us our space. But the neighbor came over again. I asked today “how come I can’t bring Christmas cookies over to his parents but you can have the neighbor over when ever you please? He replies “**** the f up you ******** And throws food at me. I had just made a big breakfast… I honestly blocked his number because then he goes out to the garage and starts sending me hurtful texts “why don’t you go see your boy toys you ******** Exact words— he’s talking about doctors I work with. I’m a nurse! I have no other way around working with doctors! He’s just SO hurtful I loose every little bit of energy and happiness I can give because of his behavior.
I get exactly why you are doing what you are doing! He also tries to pull that card of mr nice guy and paints me to the kids. Like the bad one. My daughter has smarted up to his actions though. It honestly makes it soooooo hard being faithful to a boy like him! Im just scared to move on as I’ve never been with a msn that knows how to treat a woman. I’ve been with this narcissist since high school.
I hope you find peace and happiness. I get —it—all.

Hi Laura

He has constantly worn you down, and if you stay with him he will continue to do so, he will never change, he gets his power from belittling you, he is a narcissistic bully.

I have gone through the same , 22 yrs. married for 19 , I don’t know what straw it was that broke the proverbial camels back. For yrs I put up with the psychological abuse, the occasional beating , the prolific lying, the gaslighting, manipulative behaviour, the cheating , the trawling websites for sluts, or nice women who he told an absolute black of lies to, and why ? , because I loved him and naively thought I could help him.

He cheated again, then did the usual begging, I don’t know why I do what I do BS.
So I warned him do it again , it’s Divorce. So yes he did it again, , he promised he would get help after this episode , I nearly fell for it , he told me he was no longer in contact with the slut , he told my sister he loved me , and yes it was all lies, he couldn’t last five minutes, so 2 weeks after the latest BS I kicked him out that night , I literally was packing his stuff and throwing it at him.

I won’t lie I was a broken woman , 22 yrs down the drain, if I got £1 for every time I wondered why , or how he could do this to me , I would be a very rich woman.
I had a couple of wobbles , ie when clearing out photos etc , the rose coloured spectacles were well and truly on, but I got by . I took the rose coloured spectacles off and imagined smashing them on the ground, never to be worn again.
I had to sell the family home, I have to start again at 58 , I always did have lousy timing , I should have kicked his butt out yrs ago, but when you are being manipulated and told he will take the children off you and your self esteem is at an all time low, due to narcissistic bullying and manipulation , you feel helpless.
I also know where you are coming from where he has pulled the wool over everyone’s eye, , my family now hate him with a passion, he to the outside world , especially his work colleagues all see, good ole dependable , humble , unassuming, funny Mark, they would not think he is capable of raising a hand , let alone have unprotected sex with a slut in a lay-by and beating the crap out of me when I found out about it ,
Do not put yourself down, it’s bad enough that he is doing that to you, all part of the manipulation,

Well it’s a cycle somewhere along the line you have to break , I broke that cycle , we have been separated over a yr , as kicked him out Oct 2020, my divorce came through 9th November
I felt slightly morose the weekend I realised I was no longer married, put that down to pride, but come the Monday morning I had a spring in my step it hit me , he no longer had a hold over me , he could no longer control me , I suspect he will try , we have 20 yr old twins , both know what he has done is wrong, but one of them wears th rose coloured spectacles. I hope he doesn’t get hurt .
The ex has text me a couple of times over paperwork, I have taken immense satisfaction in not replying , I will not be snared again.

Brenda’s reply to you was excellent, her last paragraph especially so , I suppose what I am saying is , yes I wasted 22 yrs , but you know what , I am not wasting anymore .
You have the power to change where your life is heading , take it back, you really are stronger than you think . Xxx

I had tears while reading your post, Diane. I feel that if I keep continuing this path you are exactly correct. I have tried to explain to a few friends of what I’m dealing with and they don’t understand why I keep going through this. As I don’t either… I’m smart enough to know as I’m a RN snd have another degree as well. But dumb enough to keep dealing with this emotional abuse! I think what it boils down to is a new house, new car, and have so much together. I have seen single friends struggle so much I feel like I’ll be loosing so much without his income. Plus… I’ve always had him since High school. I’m scared to be single to be honest. My family (immediate family) does not live in this state. It’s just me my kids and a few relatives. I know I need help because every time I try to talk about his hurtful behavior I start to cry— including this. I have soooo much hurt because of the words he’s called me, etc. I have come from a broken family and he holds that also against me. His parents… married for over fifty years or so. His mom one time said “I never know if I’ll say the wrong thing, etc” I know his mom just listens to his dad. But I’m honestly not that women. I’m not going to be submissive to his hurtfulness. I feel this broken road has been going on for soooooo many years. I also know that due to his business being successful I’m in for a major battle. I don’t have the fighting money like he has.
I really appreciate all your kind words of advice as you understand exactly what I’m dealing with. I’m hoping that the bright light will shine soon. Xxx hugs to a better life for you as well I’m the future!