Hello Everybody
Sorry for the long message
I am on my 60’s and I decided to file for divorce a little over a year ago because my ex is controlling, crazy , has been disrespectful to me and others for at least the last 10 years
I cannot handle him anymore I do feel sorry for him because he has been very sick since I left him because his friend told me that he has not been himself lately
he has been down, depressed, sad , lonely , he suddenly became older and sicker than he was ...
I have not talked and seen him for over a year
I do not want to be heartless or mean but I do not want to see him after he treated me bad even my grown up kids does not want anything to do with him because they think that their father (my ex ) is a sociopath , controlling and a narcissist
I do feel sorry and sad for him because he has absolutely no one to take care of him
My heart is not pushing me to take care of him but in my mind I want too (I feel is my obligation to take care of him)
But the BIGGEST problem is That my grown up kids which I always have loved them and still do and always will mentioned and warned me if I decide to take care of my ex they will never forgive me and our relationship will never be the same (as a mother daughter and son )
I do not want to loose my Kids because of this situation I have always supported them on their dreams , being a loving And caring mother but unfortunately my ex has destroyed their dreams when they wanted to become something else than their Father choose something else to them to be because he did not support them to follow their dreams and because of that my kids did not have a father and son/daughter relationship through their life and they listened to their Father
(My Kids age is 32 and 33 yrs old) and finally they pursuit their dreams after so many years later .... never to old to go after their dream
Many of my family members and friends has been asking me why I stayed with him for so long and most of them are very happy I finally decided to divorce him after 34 years being with him
I am ok now of course I do feel sad that I divorced him but at least I feel more peaceful that I do not have to put up with him but in the same time I feel sorry for him

Thank you in advance for reading and to your response

Be safe Everybody 🙏

It sounds as if he brought the situation onto himself by being so awful towards you and your children. Karma has finally caught up with him. Don’t feel sorry for him! Maybe, finally, he will learn to consider other people’s feelings, hopes and dreams.

You were married to him for a long time. You’re bound to still care about him. In my experience though, if you start visiting him, he will gradually find a way to start creeping back into your life. You’ve managed to get off the revolving hampster wheel of abuse (going round and round in circles, trying to meet his demands and stick out the situation, despite being unhappy). You finally have peace. Space. Time to think. The opportunity to be ‘yourself’ and to persue your hopes and dreams and explore what YOU want out of life, rather than what he expects you to accept. Embrace your new freedom! (We can’t move forwards confidently, by looking backwards!)

Focus on you. Focus on your relationship with your kids. Grow your interests.

Him? “He has no one to take care of him…” No wonder.
He’s had his chance. 34 years in fact, to change to being nicer, kinder, more compassionate and loving towards you; but did he? NO!

Choose your kids over him. You are all survivors of a narcissistic, controlling father and partner by the sound of it. He’s now lost some of his ‘power and control’ over you as you’ve moved on. He may have manipulated his friend into telling you he’s sick etc-narcissists enjoy the ‘game’ of somehow managing to pull their exes back to them. Once they have you though, they feel ‘victorious’ and the gaslighting and abuse (putting you down, neglecting you) etc, soon starts back up.

Good riddance to him. You deserve peace and happiness in your life now. Go forward and prosper! 🌸

I think you are so brave for putting yourself first. I hope you start to heal and find inner peace with your decision.
I understand some of what you are feeling, I plan on telling my husband over the weekend that I am leaving. He is also controlling and we just have so many differences. I need to be with someone that brings me peace and joy, not anxiety and depression. I do feel an enormous amount of guilt though, that I should stay, even though I know I will never be happy. He is 44 but not great at taking care of himself, or not after me being here doing everything for him for 5 years.
I hope everything works out for you. Try not to feel guilty, you have to do what is right and best for your own mental health. He has the choice to change and find someone new. That responsibility is on him to do so, if he does not want to be alone.
Hugs