> I’m starting to see that no matter if I choose to stay or go I lose.

That may be true in the short run, but if you go out 5 years, the picture is very different. If you stay, it's highly likely you'll be in the same "lose" scenario. But if you go, there's a chance you could be in a much better situation, because you'll be in charge of your own destiny again.

Your husband has a lot of problems and you have to assess for yourself if he's actually working on them or just trying to get you to stay. Real change is hard and takes dedication and work.

Either way, you need to do your own work around boundaries and codependence, because you wouldn't have put up with this for so long if you didn't have some of your own issues IMHO.