Hi awesome gal :)

What a self-centred, gas-lighting narcissist he is, to have the nerve to blame YOU for his adultery! You were grieving and yet (only after 3 months??) he jumped into some other woman’s bed? What a schmuck!

Re: He sought ‘refuge’ in another woman???? Really…! He’s no hero or victim- he’s a liar and a cheat!

Finding out about the adultery at Christmas, adds an extra barb to your emotional pain, so be kind to yourself. He’s clearly thinking with his d$ck only. Once a cheater however= generally; always a cheater, so good riddance to future heartaches that he may have also thrown your way.

The best way of coping right now is to take care of your physical and mental wellness, so you can continue to take care of your innocent child who is not the cause of this heartache. Rise above his shoddy behaviours and maintain your dignity, pride and self/belief. I pretty much fell apart when my husband left me after 20+ years as he told me he needed ‘some time to think ‘ but in reality, he was committing adultery immediately and I discovered he’d been emailing and texting women to try to hook up with them while still living with me!

He moved out and I had to somehow keep it together enough to continue to get up every day and go to my job, but it was hard. I kept pushing forwards, kept my household together and supported my children emotionally and financially, but it was very lonely parenting alone in a ‘foreign’ country with no extended family support system…

I took myself off to see a psychologist after a few weeks of him leaving. She was amazing! She told me that I needed to get angry at the situation! Not literally angry with him-but the situation. She explained that rather than let the situation make me into a jibbering, cowering, emotional wreck, I should instead empower myself by living the best, most successful life and version of ‘me’ that I could; If only to spite the heck out of him! She said that the brain struggles to understand where to ‘file’ this type of shock and so it ruminates. We blame ourselves (I’m too fat, not interesting enough, didn’t pay him enough attention etc etc): All the ‘should’a, coud’a, woulda’s! Ie- I should have said… I could have made more of an effort etc.

We often self-blame, when in fact, we are the victim in the situation.

Some women find it helpful to write a journal. You can express your deepest emotions, fears, hopes etc in safety, and it provides an opportunity to not only record your journey towards healing over time, but can help dispel rose-tinted memories, as you can remind yourself of dates/incidences etc that he did/things he said which you might need a gentle reminder of in future, in case you’re tempted to take him back…I took my husband back, but 10 years on, and despite bending over backwards to meet his every demand and narcissistic controlling expectations, he left me again. It felt like he’d taken a large chunk of who I am, and my identity with him, as my world revolved around him. Now it’s about a year later and finally, my mind is beginning to reconcile that the image I had of him/the pedestal I emotionally placed him upon-was more about me than him! Once I began to read/read journal entries I’d written, the truth of his abusive/neglectful/disrespectful behaviours towards me, became clear. It was as if a fog had lifted. I watched YouTube videos on narcissistic personality types to understand the ‘power and control’ dynamics of relationships with narcissistic partners: What a complete eye-opener!

Right now, you’re going through a grieving process. It’s an extremely personal journey, however I found Elizabeth Kunler-Ross’ model helpful. She postured that there are ‘stages’ of grief we go through. The grieving process is however. not linear, and you’ll have good and bad days/weeks, but the model can help provide insight into some of the emotions you may be experiencing.

It seems cruel that at the very moment we are in emotional agony/pain, it’s SO important that you take steps to protect your and your child’s financial future. Make that a real focus of what energy you have available. Seek legal help/advice. Find out what your rights are if you decide to file for divorce/custody. Think carefully if you’ve decided instead, to give him a second chance. He waited such a short time before jumping into her knickers, that that’s not a very positive outlook for his potential future behaviours. You don’t want to live a life where you’re constantly nervous that he may be seeing someone behind your back: That would be a pretty miserable life for you, day-to-day. I took mine back and regretted it. He enjoyed taunting me by never letting me see his phone messages/password-protecting everything and having a separate bank account from me, so I couldn’t see if he’d been out to a restaurant etc with someone. Sheer hell for me in not knowing if he had started seeing someone again while living with me.

Try to find ‘*****s’ of peace/quiet time for yourself: Yoga, meditation, reading, mindfulness, swimming etc. Keep away from pop songs that might make you cry (I wore -and still wear, in-fact- ear buds and play my own playlist when grocery shopping, after almost bursting into tears in the middle of a grocery store when they played our wedding video song loudly over the tannoy about only a week after he’d left me). There will be several such ‘pitfalls’ that you may fall into, so the more you can preempt them and protect yourself emotionally, the better!

Maybe ask your doctor for some anti-depressant medications to get you over ‘the hump.’ Do you have caring family members you could stay with for a bit? Avoid friends who just want the ‘gossip’ factor. It’s at times like this that you will discover so your genuine friends are. Surround yourself with these people and cut yourself off from negative people. You don’t need their negative energy right now. This is the time to be nurturing yourself and your child.

He’s but 1 man on the planet. Just one. If he’s stupid enough to knowingly place his marriage to you at risk, well, that’s on him; not you. He’s a grown man who made a choice to commit adultery. You could have sought solace in the arms of another man when you were grieving, but you didn’t. You were decent. He was not.

Take it 1 day at a time as you’ve had a shock. Life hasn’t collapsed (although it may feel like it right now), but it has changed. Adapting to this ‘new normal’ will take time. What you’re feeling is normal. You may feel like you’re going crazy, but you’re not. Keep busy, remain hopeful about life, be gentle on yourself and be the best, most successful version of you as you can. The best ‘revenge’ is to succeed. So dress well, put on some red lippy and hold your head high. Don’t let the ******* see you ‘down.’ Seek counselling and know that you are loved and cared about by many souls 🙏