Hello everyone,

I am going through a separation, and I am having terrible anxiety. Let me give you some background about my relationship. I was 18 when I met my husband. He was my first and only boyfriend and my first and only sexual partner for the past 15 years. We have been married for 8 years now. He was always a little lazy and irresponsible, but in the past few years, he has become extremely irresponsible with regard to everything (keeping a job, his health, finances, etc.) that I decided to leave him. I left home in October, 2021, but in the first few hours of leaving, I experienced so much anxiety (something similar to a panic attack) that I returned home. On December 27, I found out that he has told me a very big lie, and I decided to leave no matter what. I left and came to a friend's house, but since I left, I have a lot of anxiety which sometimes turns into a panic attack type of thing. I have stomach pain, I tremble, I can't breath very well and become nauseous. This usually goes on for an hour or two during which I feel this terrible urge to call my husband or communicate with him in some way. This panic feeling is then followed by a period of depression (a few hours), and after that, I feel better and again and feel confident in my decision to leave. Is this feeling of panic something normal to experience? If you had this feeling also, for how long did you experience it, and how did you stop yourself from contacting your ex? Should I seek medical help?

Hi- Yes, seek medical support if you feel that some anti-depressants might take ‘the edge’ off your panic attacks.

Right now, your emotions are all over the place, but I want to reassure you that that is normal! Such a huge change, plus him lying to you after being together for so long and trusting him, is bound to have shaken you. You might begin to question what was ‘truth’ versus what was a lie within your relationship, and that can negatively rock your world-in a destabilising, confusing way. As young girls, we are taught fairy stories about marrying and living ‘happily ever after’ with our ‘Prince Charming.’ Except…Prince Charming often tends to turn into a flatulent, pot-bellied lazy **** who might even have been a narcissist who had initially ‘love-bombed’ their new wife into feeling secure and happy. You gave your virginity to this man. You trusted him. It sounds as if you were loyal to him. He broke the ‘sacred bond’ you shared.

Breathe Sharry…Slow your thoughts down. Take a mental step back and look at the facts in a cool, collected approach, or it can feel overwhelming to deal with.

When such a radical shift in the trajectory of what you believed your life to be/how you envisaged your future to look suddenly all changes, it can send the mind into a tail-spin. But you had good reason to leave-right? He lied, he’s lazy, he’s perhaps not contributing fairly to the marriage, he’s irresponsible. In short: Not really investing in your marriage on an equal basis. Not showing you respect,

Would you ever act towards him, the way he does to you? (He sounds quite immature).

I don’t know what your history has been-but here’s a couple of terms you may like to google, in case they’re relevant to your situation;

1. Co-dependent
2. Trauma response

It can seem overwhelming at first when leaving a marriage-so surround yourself with friends and family you trust while you’re going through emotional pain and turmoil. Keep busy to keep your mind occupied, keep taking tiny steps forward each day. Don’t be tempted to rush back to him: I didn’t read anything about him running after you and begging you to come home?! Rise above him. You deserve to be respected and treated fairly. If he is too lazy and short/sighted to ‘fight’ for your marriage, well then, I guess he deserves to lose it. You gave him another chance by moving back in: I guess he blew it?

Sometimes great things come out of being daring enough to embrace change! We’re all a bit ‘wobbly’ and lost at first, but take things day-by-day. Celebrate every slight step forwards -such as overcoming the urge to call him on the hope that he may turn back into ‘Prince Charming!’ Upwards and onwards. Who knows what the future holds, but looking backwards while walking forwards, will only increase the chances of falling flat on our face!’

If it FEELS right to leave him, it IS tight to leave him. Make a solid decision. Congratulate your decisiveness and start working on how you want your future, empowered, life to look and feel 🙏