Hi Caroline, Here are a few of my thoughts about your situation:

Re: Your miscarriage: I’m so sorry you experienced that-especially after longing for a child for so long. Is your counsellor supporting you regarding the grief and bereavement you sound to be experiencing? It’s a traumatic experience to go through. Is your husband emotionally supportive?

Your husband’s steroid use. Unless he’s a super-model or competition weight-lifter-why does he continue with his steroid use??? Is it now an addiction I wonder? How are his moods towards you? Does he become easily angered? Is he sexually-aggressive towards you? What’s he trying to ‘prove????’ Or who is he trying to impress?

‘His’ strong religious beliefs, are just that! His. You have the right to leave the marriage if it’s not working for you (I write as I burn my bra in a fit of feminism!) No man, religious or not, can treat you as if you are their property, or according to their dogma. So many women stay in unhappy and even abusive marriages, because they are afraid of what their husband’s reaction will be if they ‘dare’ ask for a divorce. But that’s the thing: You don’t need to ask his permission. In the 21st century, you ‘just’ tell him! The least confronting way to do this, because you actually sound genuinely scared of how he’ll react (not just anxious) about telling him-is NOT TO, YOURSELF! What I mean is-move out of the family home and get a lawyer to tell him/serve documents on him. Don’t tell him your new address, block his number, let all calls (in case he buys a new SIM card and you don’t recognise the new number) go to voicemail, so you can screen them. Like I always say-gather as much financial information as you can first however-re assets, savings, debts etc as you’ll need this evidence for divorce proceedings. Pack medical info/medications, passport, birth certificate etc. some cash. Work out where you’ll go and the practicalities of how you’ll gain an income to live off (beware he may try to turn up at your existing place of work if you currently work).

The infertility sounds like it’s related to his health rather than yours. Who knows, in time, you may meet a new partner and go on to have a houseful of children!

If he’s physically more imposing/stronger than you because of the steroid use - I’d plan to leave when he’s not present at your current home to dodge any potential ‘drama.’ Hopefully, by taking this route, you avoid the almost inevitable drama, guilting, anger, outrage etc he may explode into. Instead, you can sit peacefully with a cup of chamomile tea in your new accommodation and let your lawyer take the strain. If your ex tries to ‘stalk’ or harass you, then next, take out a domestic violence ‘no contact’ Order against him (or the equivalent where you reside).

If you don’t believe the marriage can work, and you’re feeling miserable and want to try a different path, then smile, because you know that, at the end of the day, you must trust what your gut feeling and inner self are guiding you to do. I hope you find peace. 🙏

Thank you for your response and your kind words, support and advice.
With regards to the mis carriage, I don’t think my counsellor is providing much support for that part of the situation. I think it’s time I find someone else to talk to about it.
My husband, on the other hand has been supportive. At first he was just oh we will try again, but after seeing how depressed I am, he has offered more support. He did suggest the other day my depression could be my body trying to regulate my hormones again after the mis carriage, my period has not come back yet so he thinks it could be my hormones just in over drive.
Recently he has been kinder, even admitted he feels like he failed me on the baby side, but said going to a doctor or coming off the steroids probably wouldn’t have helped him get his fertility back any quicker so it was no different to him buying the fertility meds online and self administering them.
I just don’t even feel like I want to try for a baby again with him. I don’t want steroids around my child. I don’t want them in my life either.
I guess I mainly feel guilty for wanting to leave, he looses his temper over the smallest inconvenience, but luckily it is never at me (he got mad at a waiter before for not giving him enough meat on his sandwich) I feel like he wouldn’t ever dare loose his temper at me because he knows I am a good person and would leave if he was ever abusive directly towards me, but it is embarrassing how he treats other people sometimes. He is also very controlling, he has tried to control how and when we have children to the point where he has taken away my passion to have them with him.
I know he will probably want to go to couples therapy, I know I should try but I just don’t want too. Back in the summer I did form a close friendship with a male colleague, it honestly did not turn into anything physical, we would just talk about life in general and had so much in common, he is a single dad, we ended the friendship because he admitted if we kept being friends and talking he was going to develope deeper feelings for me but told me if I ever became single, I would be someone who he would be happy to have in gis and his sons life. I’ve gotten to the point where I constantly think about this, which makes me believe I could move on and find something new and better but my husband might not. No one is going to put up with the steroids and he is very picky about the atttibutes of woman who he will date. I feel guilty knowing he might need up alone. Why do I care so much ??