Thank you for your response and your kind words, support and advice.
With regards to the mis carriage, I don’t think my counsellor is providing much support for that part of the situation. I think it’s time I find someone else to talk to about it.
My husband, on the other hand has been supportive. At first he was just oh we will try again, but after seeing how depressed I am, he has offered more support. He did suggest the other day my depression could be my body trying to regulate my hormones again after the mis carriage, my period has not come back yet so he thinks it could be my hormones just in over drive.
Recently he has been kinder, even admitted he feels like he failed me on the baby side, but said going to a doctor or coming off the steroids probably wouldn’t have helped him get his fertility back any quicker so it was no different to him buying the fertility meds online and self administering them.
I just don’t even feel like I want to try for a baby again with him. I don’t want steroids around my child. I don’t want them in my life either.
I guess I mainly feel guilty for wanting to leave, he looses his temper over the smallest inconvenience, but luckily it is never at me (he got mad at a waiter before for not giving him enough meat on his sandwich) I feel like he wouldn’t ever dare loose his temper at me because he knows I am a good person and would leave if he was ever abusive directly towards me, but it is embarrassing how he treats other people sometimes. He is also very controlling, he has tried to control how and when we have children to the point where he has taken away my passion to have them with him.
I know he will probably want to go to couples therapy, I know I should try but I just don’t want too. Back in the summer I did form a close friendship with a male colleague, it honestly did not turn into anything physical, we would just talk about life in general and had so much in common, he is a single dad, we ended the friendship because he admitted if we kept being friends and talking he was going to develope deeper feelings for me but told me if I ever became single, I would be someone who he would be happy to have in gis and his sons life. I’ve gotten to the point where I constantly think about this, which makes me believe I could move on and find something new and better but my husband might not. No one is going to put up with the steroids and he is very picky about the atttibutes of woman who he will date. I feel guilty knowing he might need up alone. Why do I care so much ??