Wow-That’s incredibly nasty :( Clearly, like you say, he had this planned out. What is the significance of him doing this after 25 years though? Did an annuity or something mature? An inheritance come through? Or…is it more that he wanted to emotionally scar you by leaving you around a significant anniversary year?
I wouldn’t trust him re; there’s plenty of money! Money has a way of ‘vanishing’ suddenly during (or before) divorce proceedings. He might be shovelling it offshore. The fact he’s locked you out of ALL the financial accounts is alarming. Are they in his name only? Do you have paperwork evidence of how much is/was in each/what their value is/was?
Go see a lawyer immediately. It sounds as if your ex is going to play mean 🥺
He just changed the passwords not technically locked me out. Yeah it does have a way of disappearing. Our youngest went off to college this year and we moved to a small resort town. He has met zero people. I have made a few friends but I think he is unhappy. I had a hard time adjusting to not having my daughter around we were pretty close but it’s been 3 months. No he is punishing me. He was always a narcissist but I always ignored him. About a month ago I called him out on his behavior. I don’t do that basically said you need to be a better person. He didn’t like it and we got into a fight. Not our first or worst fight in 25 yrs. I just think I struck a real sensitive spot. He is always claiming to be a “good guy” but he is not that too him just means he follows the rules. I told him following the rules doesn’t make you a good person. Standing up for your principles does but he doesn’t have personal principles just rules. I brought up how he lied about being a Christian before we met and I didn’t find out until years later. He said that’s no big deal I said it is because I assumed you had Christian principles but you don’t. Obviously by his behavior he doesn’t. He is going to inflict as much pain as he can on me. I am already exhausted.
And do know those passwords?! If not-you ARE locked out by his actions! Why would he ‘suddenly’ change all the passwords? Unless there was a security scare-it’s likely it’s a deliberate attempt to bar you from having access: Red flag!
Narcissists HATE being called out! Dr Ramani has a heap of videos on YouTube about narcissistic behaviours/traits. I binge-watched a ton of them to try to help grow my understanding of what I’d been through with my ex, after a 30 year marriage to him and endless heartache. Watching her videos was life-changing for me. It was as if I suddenly had a ‘book of answers’ open up before me!
You have to be smart, strong and clever when divorcing a narcissist. Generally, they lack empathy so it’ll all be about them ‘winning’ whilst making you squirm/dance to their commands. BUT, a good lawyer (who’s perhaps a narcissist themselves!) will see through their ‘crap.’ Just be aware, that often, narcissists enjoy dragging the matter out for as long as they can to inflict financial damage on their ex, as a further tool of control. Try to be mindful therefore of keeping legal responses short and sharp. Go for the basics you’ll need: Money/shelter/retirement funds/any health cover/some assets/personal items such as jewellery if there’s sentimental value…but don’t let him drag you back to court over ‘who gets the dog etc!’
Dont speak to him directly as he will most probably either try to belittle, intimidate or ‘cajole’ you into a false sense of security. Keep things formal.
Is there a chance though, that rather than being a narcissist, he has Aspergers/high functioning autism? It’s just that you mention he has ‘rules’ - so that might align with either of those mental Heath ‘conditions.’ Are you ‘jumping the gun’ or do you think he is a narcissist?…
🙏
He is both. No he is definitely a narcissist. We have been to counseling 10 years ago and the therapist told him to look into it before he quit going. I will check out those videos.
Very sorry to hear what has happened to you- Amateur author Dorian Wright shares their "blindsided" experiences as well in their book "20 Years Gone: A Divorce Story" (available on Amazon and Google Books).
It is really sad to know that someone with whom you've spent a big part of your life can sometimes have an "alternate life" as well! Wright, with help, managed to identify the signs, and take action before too much damage ensued.
Definitely consult a lawyer if you have not already- just because your husband locked certain funds out, it does not necessarily mean that you will remain ineligible for them!!