Hi All,

I don't know where to start. Last night my husband asked for a divorce (again). I am numb all over and feel sick to my stomach.
I shouldn't be surprised. This isn't the first time. He has brought up divorce many times over the past three years, but we always found a way to work things out and continue, but the same issues would come up again and here we are.

This time is different, I know he is serious about divorce. He is wanting to discuss the next steps, talk to a lawyer, and get on with his life ('finally' he says), so why am I so sick about it? Why do I feel so sad? It's not like I didn't know this was coming. And the truth is I don't blame him. We don't really get along anymore. In fact we have always in the 8 years we have been together (6 married) had bad arguments. He has a temper and can say horrible things. Even when we were dating I noticed and didn't like this about him, but he always apologized and we would talk it out and go on. Over time though, the more he behaved like this the more I withdrew from the relationship. It got more frequent and he stopped apologizing, like he didn't care anymore if he called yelled at me or called me stupid. There is much more to it than that (not physical abuse or cheating or anything like that) but I don't want to get into the long story. Don't get me wrong, there were good things too, he is a great dad and a good friend to me when we are not fighting, has a good sense of humor, but romantically there is nothing for me anymore. I stopped putting in effort a long time ago because even when I did, he would still blow up at me, blame me, and doesn't take responsibility for his behavior. If we tried to talk about it, it is my fault for doing or saying something that upset him. I stopped wanting to spend time together because I never knew if he would get mad at me and start a fight so it was easier to do our own thing. So we don't really have a relationship anymore. I am not perfect, so I know it is not all his fault, and I can see from his view why he would want a divorce. I haven't been the wife he would like. I have been cold and distant and all business for years. We both have been on cruise control in this marriage for most of it. And despite efforts over the years, there has never been any real change, and I don't think there will be. He would never go to counseling and doesn't see he has anything to change. I really think at the core we are so different that we were not right from the beginning. Then why am I so sad? Why am I so scared? Why do I want to keep going married when I know deep down we are not compatible?

I am surprised the timing. I am 6 months pregnant and we have a 5 year old. How am I going to raise an infant and 5 year old on my own? I remember how long and lonely the days were with my oldest. I remember how hard it was with only one child with a spouse, how am I going to do this on my own? I don't want to do this on my own. There is no one I can ask for help so without my spouse I am on my own. Some days I barely have time to get groceries, what am I going to do now?

I know my 5 year old is going to take this hard, he loves all of us being being together and he is such a happy kid. I don't want to ruin him. No more family time, no more watching him laugh while he plays with his dad, no more putting him to bed every night. I feel like I am going to miss out on so much of his life.

And we just moved to a new house. If I had known this was going to happen I would have stayed in the old house. We moved here to support our growing family. When I told my husband that, he just laughed and said well you brought this on yourself so I am glad you are upset about that. I wish I could move back, but it is too late for that now. How is it that others can get married, have kids, have a happy family and we just can't? I know it shouldn't matter, but I can see my husband moving on with no problem. He is very charasmatic and can talk to anyone. It is so easy for him but I am a homebody and I have a harder time connecting. He will move on, be happy, and I will be alone.

I am sorry, I am really rambling now. I just needed to vent and seek some support. I know many of you are going through tough situations so thanks for reading, even if you don't reply and good luck in your situations.

Hi,

I am sorry that you are going through this. From your description he sounds alot like my ex-husband. He would blow up over anything/nothing and it was always "my fault" because I said something "that set him off" and if only I hadn't done XYZ then he wouldn't have acted that way.
I also pulled away and just created my own life.

I know it is hard and scary. I would recommend consulting with an attorney right away. You need to protect yourself and your rights. If you are a stay-at-home mother (or even if you aren't), you should be entitled to alimony and definitely child support. The house issue will work itself out; but you need legal support, don't let him bully you.

If you can go to counseling on your own, I would recommend it - it helped me greatly. Of course every situation is different, but my therapeutic advice (over many sessions we worked on it) was basically to "grow a pair" and stop being such a doormat.

Now, I would recommend trying to make this as amicable as you can. That doesn't mean catering to him, but be as positive as you can.

My ex- and I get along pretty well now, we spend holidays together with our boys, family dinners together; it's been better for our boys this way and I am just so happy to not live with him anymore! We basically have all the good family stuff, without all the drama, yelling and fighting
but that did take deliberate choices on both of our parts, so he'll have to put in the work also.

Good luck!
kelly