I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am going through something similar. I was married to my husband for 24 years . I stayed in the marriage because I was trying to protect my 11 year old son the pain from a divorce. I finally decided I could no longer take it when my hair started falling out and my health started slowly declining. After I left him I started to slowly feel better and my hair started growing back and my health is improving. It's still difficult but I am feeling so much better. After reading different books I came to the realization that he is a narcissist and he was emotionally abusive. Please research the topic. I never even considered this before leaving him.
I'm sorry to read about the level of distress and anxiety you must have experienced. Divorce is hard. Divorcing a narcissist is a complete nightmare on a whole other level. Unless people have been through it themselves (I have too), I don't think they can comprehend how deep and far-reaching the hurt and pain is.
I still have moments where I have to check myself because I suddenly realise that I'm now free to ignore the enduring self-doubt and 'rules' he made me live by. So when I went to buy a dress recently and I almost put it back on the rail because the automatic thought he'd planted in my head was that a dress of that style would make me look 'frumpy,' I instead went and purchased it!
I'm glad you're slowly recovering. It's like a detox process we have to go through. Learning to trust our own judgement again. Learning that we already have all the tools we need inside us, to live life well and learn to spread our wings again... Unclipped and unfurled in all their glory!
There are some helpful YouTube videos about recovering from living with a narcissist. I find Doctor Ramani's videos particularly articulate and helpful.
Wishing you well in your journey sister. I'm so proud of you for having the guts and tenacity to be the one who initiated the divorce 🌸 That takes one heck of a lot of energy, determination and bravery, as narcissists hate to lose control over a situation and can make the divorce process deliberately difficult as they fight tooth and nail to 'win.'
No, you're not being selfish. He sounds quite abusive towards you. When it gets to the point that you feel too intimidated to question his behaviours or voice your opinion, this means the relationship is no longer equal. You are no longer equal partners, where there is 'give and take' and where each person feels safe and respected to respectfully voice their difference of opinion/make suggestions for compromise etc.
The fact your adult children are advising that you leave him, is really 'telling.' Marriage isn't meant to be a prison sentence! 35 years is about 25 years more than many countries imprison perpetrators of murder for!
Life is short. Really short. Why live in fear and be made to feel like you have to watch every word you say to him in case he yells? How lonely for you :(
No one should be 'punished' in marriage. It's meant to be about love, shared values, shared experiences and mutual respect. Not about cowering, crying, being shouted at and being too afraid to speak out in case your partner yells at you. That's not 'living,' that's merely 'existing...'
It takes a lot of courage and organising to prepare to leave someone after such a long marriage, so if you can, surround yourself with trusted friends and seek out legal advice before you announce you're leaving. Find out what your rights are. Think about where you can stay. What income you will have. Don't let these hurdles stop you though! Everything is surmountable with planning and proper legal advice.
Wishing you a new, abuse-free future and lots of future smiles and giggles 🌸🙏