Same.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

Your feelings are valid, we feel how we feel. But I would suggest that you take a clear and practical look at your actions. Love should be reciprocated and love is a verb. Does he love you? Does his behavior and choices show that he loves you? If the clear answer is "no", then you need to make your choices for yourself with that in mind.

Don't put your life on hold waiting for something to change, move on in a positive way with your life for yourself.

Wishing you all the best!
Kelly

CARRIE, If the last 2 years of the 14 years have been bad,protect yourself NOW. I am only giving you my story to protect yourself.

I had a 24 year marriage with my ex of toxic manipulation, cheating, counseling in every aspect. I loved him, but he had several addictions. I knew about some of the cheating, but naievely forgave him many times before, but waited too long. I did not know the scopeof it until I put a tracking program on his computeryears later. He had a completely separate life of drugs, bad business partners, and hookers,even mocked me to hookers on line to solicit sex. I was on an AIDS watch for 2 years of the 6 year divorce. He ended up in drug rehab, lost his job and we were not told anything. 5 years after the divorce, we lost our last home,and I claimed bankruptcy. I had given the home to him in the divorce, but he let it go to foreclosure.. But could not get my name off it. Then I had to sue him for back alimony. So, divorce does not sever you from all debt and pain unless you have the right attorneys. I had 5 of them: 2 divorce, one tax, one criminal, and a bankruptcy attorney. He had several as well. Any money left after the fall out, I had to pay them to get back, which was minimal.

If you do not know what is going on,he could be manipulating you and your assets.How i found out I found out after tracking his computer, he was actually cheating WHILE WE WERE IN COUNSELING, WHILE i was in the hospitalin pre term labor with our son,and afterwards, and while Our son was in ICU in our first 4 years of marriage! I even got pho e calls from ex husbands of his girlfriends. And I found out he had a list of hookers in his email in several states, whom he recently solicited. He started emptying our accounts as soon as I filed for divorce. And I found out he had already hid money, which could not be recovered.

If you don't know, find out. But once you do, know that they DO NOT CHANGE, THEY JUST GET BETTER AT HIDING IT. And when they apologize, it is only because they were caught. We lost everything. I even had to take him back to court to garnish his wages for alimony. Do not let him talk you out of garnishment. It cost me over $35,000 in attorneys fees over 8 years for just the divorce and then garnishment. Not even counting the bankruptcy. And I was too old to start over financially afterwards. And the stress made me really sick.

14 years is the time limit for most divorces where you can claim 1/2 of whatever is remaining and get alimony. Get an attorney and get advice. Check your bank accounts and credit cards every day. If you are on any cardsor loans together, that have available $ like lines of credit, equity lines, as a signer with ,close them asap or you will be responsible for 1/ 2 the charges he makes. If you have a will or DPOA with him, cancel it immediately. Send your debitors a certified letter you want to close the account and take your name off it and will no longer be responsible for any charges. Make sure you have your own credit card or 2 before you close the others. It will affect your credit if he ruins it or the divorce goes bad.. If you own a house together, go back and kick HIM OUT and move back in. OR HE might be able to claim you abandoned the house.He could already be doing allof these things. Our senses get more fine tuned after being abused, and should be listened to, even though you feel confused. What advice would you give a close friend if you knew this was happening to them? But when we are so sad and missing them, we are more vulnerable. Don't be vulnerable or naieve' or think like I did. I never thought he would hurt me or ruin me, but he did. Everyone adored him. He was the best con man. I still pray for him every night and still feel sad. And the original love fades, but never goes away. Don't expect that. But, You can't get that precious time back. If there is not civility and complete communication, expect the worst, and head off financial ruin If it was toxic, it will stay that way. You cannot change him. You can only change how you handle the fallout.

WHEN I finally found out the whole truth, I had to carefully plan over 5mos how to find him to serve him divorce papers because to this day, 8 years later, He keeps moving to avoid my getting his address. But even though, at least he will go to jail if he stops paying my alimony. THANK God I was able to garnish his wages. No more attorneys fees for me. Again, if you can get alimony, Garnish it! Do not trust him to pay. He cried and said he would pay. His attorney will tell him to promise you alimoney, then stop paying it. Because again, it will be on you to pay another attorney to take him back to court, which will again be more $ and stress.. The law will be on your side if he flees and he is garnished; but they will notlookhim if he moves and is not garnished. GARNISHMENT IS ATTATCHED TO HIS salary and SS. If you don't trust him now, it is instinctual. protect your assets. Otherwise it will ruin your recovery. Remember, THEY DO NOT CHANGE, THEY GET BETTER AT HIDING IT. Do not let your naievete' ruin your life. The best thing that came of this for me was he has actually tried to help my son and me at times in the last 2 years. It still hurts, but I am not in fear all the time now of what else he can control.Look up narcissism. Good luck and God Bless.