Wow Audrey, life sure has dealt you a hand! You are so much stronger than you can ever believe. I work in cancer research, my heart really goes out to you. As others have said, pray. I was not raised religious. I consider myself spiritual, not religious. I strongly believe in God based on personal experiences, not what someone told me. I get mad, why does he get away with what he does, why does God not punish him? It almost feels like sibling rivalry...how come he gets to do XYZ and get away with it and I live as good as I can (don't intentionally harm others) and get punished? Well, speaking as a mother now, it's because expectations of us are higher. I hate it when people get pleasure from my pain. You know what? I will get a LOT of pleasure from his pain! So I think I have to go. STBX will not suffer in front of me, or I become the person I hate. I do NOT believe for one second God wants me to stay with this man. But he won't be punished when I can be happy about it. I plan on leaving state as soon as 2 years from now or even country after 10 years from now (based on my children). I think once I am gone, completely separated from him, then his punishment begins. When I cannot see. I could be wrong, but if I believe this, I will feel better! Belief and faith no one can take away. Think what you need to feel better, perception is more real than what we think of as reality. Have constant faith all will be OK. Never give up. The fact you survived what you have (physically) shows how incredibly strong you are and you can survive this (emotionally). We create our own life. Just BELIEVE it. And be PATIENT (my hardest thing....I am SO IMPATIENT, just want it done NOW, so I keep reminding myself to TRUST and wait) Not easy, but possible.

Dear Strong Spirit,
Thanks for your kind and good words. I am running out of faith and hope. Today I received a hideous settlement proposal and they are serious about it. My lawyer didn't even comment, just sent it to me with not thoughts, nothing. I don't know what to do, where to turn anymore but I thank you for reading and trying to get me to hang in there. All the best, Audrey

You keep going, don't let them ever take your faith and hope away. If the proposal is ridiculous, fight it. Talk to your lawyer, it's her/his job to advise you. Stay strong, get your facts, you can do this. Feel all of the love and support sent your way from all of us here. Sending you hugs and much love.

Audrey, Bless your heart. You are in my prayers also. I read the bible a lot & it helps. That's where I find relief & understanding. I know you say you aren't religius & since this is a Christian site I think it's ok to mention about prayer. Proverbs talks about evil (in the bible). It's a great read when things are bad! Also, to me it helps me understand that Christians do suffer sometimes & that the world is full of good & evil.
I have forgiven the ex for his abuse & I do still love him despite all of what he did to me. But I would never go back with him, it would be dangerous.
I agree that perhpaps the meds affected his personality IF he was different before. If he had a history of the same behavior prior to meds that would be different.
In my healing, I try to allow myself to love, not suppress my feelings that way, but move forward.
It takes TIME to heal, probably at least a few years.
So give yourself time.
I don't know if there are living environments in your area for the disabled, or places you can find where people meet for lunch, a Meals on Wheels delivery,
phone services that have calling (or that you can call shut ins).
There are hospitals & doctors connected that often have financial assistance to needy, also elec & phone companies have discounted for financially eligible.
Pets can help with isolation..
Mainly, just don't give up & give yourself plenty of time to heal. Usually that's what it takes.
No matter the situation.
I pray A LOT. I feel confident that in a few years my life will be flipped back over.
There are churches that give rides (there's social things there often times).
I realize your situation is such that you are needing extra services. I think in every circumstance of divorce there are unique situations to them...
so Don't Give up my dear one!
The devastation of divorce is real.
Some people take grief & continue to replace with a new partner immediately.. I think friendship is good, BUT jumping back into a commitment can come with drawbacks. To allow yourself to grieve is healing!
it hurts/difficult/ hard work.. but there's another side.
You are NOT ALONE!
God Bless you. I'll pray for you!
As to your ex, if you can keep him at a BIG distance as to contact with you other than ONLY LEGAL, & if possible even use snail mail!
Take Care!
JLVR

Dear JLVR,
Thanks for writing and for the kind words. I appreciate your suggestions as well. We are not financially bad off but he wants me to be and it seems to be heading that way. I cannot get over how he could have been so loving, so dedicated and now want to see me in the street, starving. I don't know what else to say. Very bad day for me. But again, thanks for reading and for writing. all the best, audrey

Audrey, I will keep you in my prayers.
The only way all of the loss in my life has made sense is when I see it through The Healing of God.
It's as if there is testing in life, continual as the evil one is the prince of the air (this is in scripture). God Has allowed us to be removed for a time from seeing HIM, because if sin in The Garden of Eden.
Divorce is so awful, then add to it, our own invidual situations which are unique, & it's a lot of work to get back to even ground.
The bible says that The Fruits of The Holy Spirit, are Peace, Love & Joy. God Is Love, so when we live knowing in HEAVEN we are completely healed from all of this sorrow, this is hope, to hold onto.
Something that helps me, is that I try to keep my life simplistic. Not bandaiding things but allow time to grieve, to believe that things will work out in time with God's Help.
I decided some time ago to live my life for JESUS, & I do not believe in fornication (biblical), or doing things just for momentary gain, but doing what is right & biblically correct (as I understand The Word).
SO, try if you can to let go & let GOD.
I find HUGE strength in this. We are mortal beings, there's good & evil, so we have to find that peace in our hearts & souls that sustains us no matter what.
Your cross is heavy, as all of us here can attest also. Continuing to reach out to others as you are, is healing, trusting that one can climb the mountain & reach the other side.
Yes, my ex was also could have done his part, he didn't. He left me with so much to deal with. I have a new hat on now in all of this that is a challenge (divorced) to come to grips with. BUT at the same time life is about challenges & growth.
As long as we do our best, giving our all & doing what is right, that's what matters.
I just see that Heaven is Eternal & that's what I work towards. This life is passing away, we renew in CHRIST.
Through this huge loss I feel RICH, in my spirit & soul. Try if you can to let go & let God, rejoice that you are a good person & do what is right.
Too, I think that the losses in life teach us empathy. If we did not loose at times we would not be able to give back, relate to those that struggle.
God Bless you. & Merry Christmas!