I am experiencing a similar situation. My husband after 10 years of marriage was not happy either. We have been separated over 5 months and are going the divorce process. It is heartbreaking because I still love him but he wants nothing to do with me. I thought the same thing about the mid life crisis. Have you tried asking him? I had noticed changes in my stbx in this last year and even tried talking to him. But, it was always the same thing - that he was not happy and I needed to change who I was and how I reacted to his behavior (drinking, flirting with other young girls and not wanting to come home).

Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you. And I don't know if I will ever will truly understand and or know why. But, thats not to say you won't. Maybe he will open up and talk to you.

In the mean time I would try and focus on each day and take as it comes - easier said than done. The sadness and loneliness can get overwhelming at times but I have been told it will get easier and won't hurt as much with time.

My heart goes out to you and I can empathize with your feelings of loneliness! It also helps to know we are not alone in how we feel.

Jeannie, I'm sorry you're going through this.
So many similar stories here if that's any help to you. I also do not understand why my husband left as it was workable & he worked SO hard to get me & then once he had me after awhile he was bored & just totally changed.
There are personality disorders of which my ex has.
He is arrogant, rude, can be very mean. He has a flip side too. I feel I knew the real guy at his heart but that's not where he lives.
I would say, if this has been your husband's pattern & not just a crisis as you mention it could possibly be, then I would do something. BUT if perhaps he is going through a crisis, maybe you can get some counseling.
My ex told me all sorts of things about how I was his soulmate, & would never leave, on & on, & ON, but when push came to shove, he was irresponsible, angry & had NO ability to stay committed.
What I found, was I had to get to that place of decision for myself when I knew it was over. I did all I could to save my marriage, like you I didn't want it to end.
I did eventually, after a number of years get to the place I was done begging & playing head games with him. I was happy. I was thrilled to be married & to a man I loved with all my heart who loved me with all his heart. But I was done playing games with someone that was INTENT on Not making our marriage work, by leaving, & making what amounted to a joke of a good marriage.
A conversation I had recently with someone is that we are responsible in the end for ourselves.. if a spouse is not wanting to stay married & will not work to make it work & wants out, then ultimately you are responsible for you/your family(kids).
CERTAINLY not how I desired things to turn out.
But you know what? I have stability back, rebuilding on my life, I do what I LOVE doing again & noone is dragging me backwards because of their unhappiness.
He didn't want to be here. My theory ended up being..
I was married, my husband was the head of my home as a christian home, he wanted a divorce, I gave it to him! Eventually that's what happened. He was the head, I obeyed.
LOL.. what can you do?
know you are NOT ALONE.
It IS VERY SAD.
ridiculous really.. but in the end...
they are responsible for their choice, not us.
Take care!!!
(I prayed a LOT & still do/ it helps!)

The man I am divorcing is not the same man I married. My stbx has all of the symptoms of someone who is severely depressed. I did everything I could to get him through in his time of need, but all he could do was to blame me for all of his unhappiness. I truly do not know what he is doing with his life now. I know where he works, I know what he does when he has the kids, etc., but I don't know what he does behind closed doors-or out on the town for that matter-nor do I want to know. I did not want my marriage to end-or rather I did not want the dream of what we could have had come to an end. But in reality it takes two to make it work, and if one is set against it it's pretty near impossible.

If I had it to do over again I would still beg him to go for counseling (mine went alone once to never return , so I'm guessing he heard some things he didn't want to hear), both alone and with me, I would do everything in my power to help him through his crisis. I sleep well at night knowing I did everything I could to save my marriage. I would not change that. I can look my children in the face and tell them I did everything I could. In the end it didn't work out, but there are no what if's for me to play mind games with myself.

Looking back this sounds pretty wishy-washy, but Jeannie know others have been where you are. It's an awful place to be. For some it does work out...for those of us on this site it did not. Prayers and Hugs.

Becky, I smiled when I read your post.

I can so relate that I too did all I could possibly do & I feel really good about that.
I did not give up easily either. I went a very long time with his behaviors & him not wanting to make it work. I never did quit really but that I agreed to quit when he made it clear to me he was done, as I learned in time I would no longer fight his wishes.
But yes, I think it Really has to be each person's working through to the place they decide it's over, in their marriage.
There's always people's opinions, or thoughts on, but it's our marriage, so we have to decide what to do & with our spouse.
Even in the divorce I think it's VERY important to even during all of the counsel, to make decisions based on our own knowing of ourselves, our spouse & situation. slowly & timing is a lot of it too.
Utilize as much counsel, prayer, wisdom, etc., as possible, whatever resources available.
TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.
My gosh I loved my husband & I still do.
But he did Not want it to work out. Once I got it & did all I could do, I let go.
Me too, I feel good about my own efforts.
I think being very sure footed, mature as possible under the circumstances, taking high road, loving them anyways.. then dealing in facts..
then if you are divorced, it's as is life, hard work / & the rewards. Yep at least knowing we did all we could do to make it work! I wasn't going to quit my marriage, I was very happy with him, but YES it takes 2 to make it work! when they don't want it, what do you do?
Life goes on.. taking high road, doing what is right, at least one can move forward in peace!
I think too, that during a time of crisis, as is your case & was mine (& many stories here are similar)..
trying to detach from our emotions, & deal in FACTS.
ok so here is what is happening & now here are my choices.
list them out.
on paper if possible/phone #'s to call for support/
options/ what you are going to say to spouse.
When things are crazy, the reel in with FACTS.
TAKE CARE & HUGS.

That being said, the one thing I would do differently is to let it go when I first realized it was inevitable. I would fight for my marriage, support my spouse, etc., but I wouldn't continue to hold on to false hope. Fine line I know, and hindsight is of course better that "presentsight", but looking back there was a time I knew it was inevitable, and that's when I should have let go.

Becky,
I also do find Peace in knowing that I did everything I could to reconnect with my husband emotionally, including working on my own weaknesses. To me, that is taking the high road. All too often, for some the grass appears greener on the other side of the fence. In reality, once emotions are involved the same issues resurface unless they are addressed. Once disrespect & insensitivity are predominant I believe this point blank represents a lack of character & integrity & it is time to move on. I discovered that my husband actively sought an affair b/c "he was bored." I was not only devastated but stunned. I NEVER would have expected this, was blindsided & scared that my husband was willing to put me in harm's way. It left me questioning who I was married to, what else had he done/hid from me, was willing to do or capable of. I left my husband & haven't spoken to him in a year. I struggled emotionally for this year but as mentioned earlier have some peace of heart that I am a woman of commitment & character that would never so purposefully decieve someone that I shared 13 years with. It so deeply saddens me. I still struggle at times & if I go deeply down the why aisle I get emotionally & physically ill. I too hope my divorce is finalized soon & 2011 brings forth the creation of a "bucket list." Ladies, I wish healing for all of you. My heart aches for every one of you. I can relate to all of the different emotions & stages of grief that we have & will go through. Love isn't unconditional but truly does require honesty, respect & sensitivity. I hope we are all able to recognize this knowing if these fundamental values aren't present then you deserve to move on.

I can see too where the patterns of my ex's abuse were set in stone early on & it would have been more financially wise & in many ways to get out earlier, however I kept growing through all of this & of course he would come back each time committing to change his ways. Seemed like I changed but he would change for short time then go backwards AGAIN.
Just like a little kid!
So, there's much I am dealing with because I put up with his ..... for too long, at the same time I did continue to grow & still do through it all.
I don't know that I would change things because my spiritual growth through all was large, but ex is player & abusive & once they have this patterened, the abusers do not change (typically).
For me love in unconditional, however I do have expectations of which healthy relationships require.
Committment was not part of my ex's text.
may have been legal, in front of judge, God, & witnesses but he is not into committment, that is a FACT. learned the hard way.
they get in pattern of this behavior & treatment it doesn't seem to stop until we say we are done playing games or that they walk. it usually comes to this.
Oh well, I do think detaching from them helps so much.
It's that peace that they do NOT ALLOW to flourish in the home, when things are bad as we are discussing.
people need stability & peace!

I want to thank all of you for your kind words, it does make me feel better to know that I'm not the only one going through (or has gone through) this horrible situation. My husband, sadly, refuses counselling. Although he told his mother that I wouldn't go. She and I have caught him many lies between us. He has never displayed this type of behavior before, he has always been there for me when I needed him, very loving and affectionate, and very family oriented. Now he is so distant from not only me but his children and his parents (whom he was very close to) I try to talk to him when he comes her to either spend the day with the boys or pick them up, but the only answer I ever get is I don't know. The last conversation I had with him was me asking him if he felt that divorce was what he really wanted and he replied, "That's what I feel I HAVE to do." He is not the man that I married at all, but I do know that he is in there. That's why I continue to hold on with all my strength. I would hug him and he would tell me my hair smelled good and he would hug a me a little tighter but then push me away quickly and practically run from the room. I feel that he still loves me and does want to come home, but he won't let himself for some reason. He has not mentioned divorce anymore. I have had a lot of people tell me that he was overwelmed with the responsibility of being the financial support (I am currently in my final semesters of college and will soon have a good job). He does worry about money alot and he is really worried after his lawyer told him that he would basically have to give me his entire paycheck every month since the boys and I live in the house that we are making payments on.
I know everyone tells me that it will get easier, but so far nothing has gotten easier for me. I have lost 25 lbs, can't sleep, can't eat, and nothing makes me happy anymore. I was a very happy person before, I loved to laugh and make others laugh. Now I just don't care. I have prayed and prayed for an answer and for my husband to fight his way home.
My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I wouldn't wish this feeling of emptiness on anyone. Thank you again for your kind words and support. I am so grateful that I have somewhere to go to talk and there are people who actually relate rather than tell me "I don't know how you feel and I don't want to know" which I don't blame them. I didn't want to know how this feels and never thought I would to be honest. To everyone we know you can't me without him or him without me, that's how it has always been. I still hope with time he will come around, I know it isn't going to be any time soon, but I can't let go of my hope. I love him with all my heart and I am going to hold true to the vows that I took. I am still his wife and when he decides to come home I will be here. In the mean time I am staying strong for my boys. They have gotten better they don't get so upset when their daddy isn't here or when he leaves and doesn't come back. I have stopped telling them that he is coming because he has the tendency to not show up and then I have a 3 year old watching out the window all day and is devestated when I tell him daddy isn't coming. It's heartbreaking.