Personally I don't think I could be friends with the OW. I certainly can't be friends with my EX at this point. How can you be real friends with someone that hurt you and that you can't respect due to what she did. If my ex ever really gets together with the married woman he is having an affair with and was while we were married I certainly WON'T be her friend. Civility is about the best I will ever be able to do.

On the other hand I do feel it is important that you don't bad mouth her to the kids. Allow them to develop their own relationship with her. As a step mom myself for 19 years I know that kids are smart and will figure things out for themselves. I never bad mouthed their biological mom to them even though I could have and know she bad mouthed me. They have lots of respect for me even now that their Dad and I are divorced.

Not befriending her does NOT mean you have to be an angry woman all your life. Someday I hope both of us can let go of the anger (I still deal with alot of it myself). Yes you can pity her because obviously he is either lying to her about what kind of person he is (you know what he is really like) or she is even more messed up then he is and thinks he is a great catch for someone like her.

Stay strong

My ex ow tries to be friendly with me and I have been very civil but ended up wasting my breath.

She understands my reasons for keeping out of the marital home but goes there regardless, she sneaks about and shows absolutely no respect for me, my son or even herself.
Whenever we speak she tells me she is not a bad person, and every time I tell her she has no respect. While I am civil I believe she wants me to feel sorry for her and keep away from my ex (she tried convincing me I deserved to be happy so should ignore him completley- stupid cow trying reverse psychology on me) for her own benefit, I am her threat and if she can sweet talk me I might give her the space she needs to ensnare ex even more. She butters herself so nicely but her actions speak volumes. When ex treats her badly I have NO sympathy, I did once and spent hours talking to her. I warned her that he would do it again and it would get worse, he did and it did. He never physically beat me while we were married, its a regular occurance with her.
I spoke to her two weeks ago to find out what the hell ws happening with my son (left at school while they were drinking in my home)she asked what was going on and I told her straight 'I spent hours talking to you before, now Im not even going to waste my breath' she said in a pitiful tone 'I know'.

Do I think she is pathetic? Absolutely. Disrespectful? Without a doubt. Sneaky, two faced, back stabbing? Yes to it all. I could never befriend someone like that.

Id rather peel my own eyelids off than be friends with her.

I was friends with the OW before she took up with my husband. Or, at least, I thought we were friends...she was all "Oh, I love Frank (my ex) like a brother and you like a sister!" Ya-huh, suuuuure you do. This is not the census-escapee South, ya psycho wench.

This is the same woman who:
- stared me down across a conference room table when she bullied her way into a meeting for my oldest son last school year;
- In this same meeting, groped my then-husband's crotch in front of my son, his counselor, the vice-principal of the school, and me, to whom ex was still married at the time (to his credit, ex did push her hand away several times but, being the stupid bint she is, she cannot take a hint and went on as she had begun - tacky tart)
- Made a total scene in front of my home last winter when I'd gone to pick up some of my things in their absence (ex informed me that they had "gone away for some R&R" -- yes, at MY credit card's expense!!! ); home was still MY legal residence, NOT hers, and I had keys and whatnot - spent approx. 5 minutes in the house, took only things of mine that were out in PLAIN VIEW and left the keys on the kitchen table on their ring. I kept no copies (though that, among other things, was something of which I was later accused). Screamed at me that I was the one who had done everything wrong in the marriage (mind you, she is screaming accusations at me whilst simultaneously being stupid enough to walk outdoors in the winter in her stocking feet when it was 12 degrees out - then after I left, whinging to my husband about how her "feet hurt and you have to rub them for me, Baaaaaaby!" )

So, ya, no friendship there...I've since told her to not even bother trying because I know what she is all about, and she has never stopped trying to undermine me with my stepkids (luckily, they are smart enough not to fall for it when she says 'Deirdre doesn't love you'). Can you imagine the psychopathy it must take to be able to coldly tell a couple of kind-hearted, loving children that someone doesn't love them? *******

Deirdre I have just got to admire your self control, had that been my ex at school with his 'thing' all over him I would have been arrested for my actions.

I just want to point out to everyone, that I am an upstanding citizen (unlike my ex and his ow) I have never been in trouble with the police and I have never hit anyone (err actually I did hit my ex a few weeks ago when I was giving the drunk a lift and he grabbed my leg whilst I was driving and squeezed really really hard- yes I did turn round and wallop him- and yes it did stop him in his tracks). I am aware that of late I have been feeling like killing two people in particular. Just rest assured ladies I am not violent....yet!

I was friends with the OW. This was before my husband and I even separted. While she has never done or said anything negative to me or about me that I am aware of I am no longer friends with her. When I see her I am civil and we make small talk but that is it. I will not be friends with someone who came in and took my husband. While I know she did not actually take him he is the one who strayed, even if it was just emotionally, I cannot ever trust her so why be friends. I am civil but that is it. You do not owe it to her to be friends and as long as you do not bad mouth about her to kids or anything that should suffice.
Good Luck!

I don't bad-mouth her to my kids -- I don't have to. They know what she is, and digs her little trench ever deeper each time she opens her pie-hole.

A recent and particularly jerky example: she refused to go to the drugstore - 1/3 of a mile from the house - and get 'feminine hygiene' products for my daughter, whose Time of the Month had started 3 days early, and, as it often does in such situations, full blast. It seemed fairly obvious to me that this would have been a golden opportunity for her to get at least a little good feeling from one of my kids; but she flat out refused to go. She actually said for my daughter to call me (it was 11:00 at night and snowing - really? Smallll person...just cause she did not want to go 3 blocks to the all-night chemist, yah, roust Mom out of bed and make me come ALL THE WAY ACROSS TOWN, in a SNOWSTORM because she couldn't be arsed.)

Well, I did do it, because the bottom line was, my daughter had to have the stuff.

And I told my daughter not to even bother asking her father's NW for anything, because it was fairly obvious that she wasn't anxious to do anyone any favours.

Wow, what a bltch! Your poor daughter, how humiliating for her! Good she has a great mom like you who will go through a snow storm to take care of her! Seriously, that "woman" should be ashamed of herself, her behavior is disgusting. Ugh. Give your daughter a big hug from me (and one for you, too). Thank God for mom's like you!

Friends?? Define "friend". Someone with whom you have mutual feelings of caring and trust. When your friend is happy, so are you. When your friend hurts, so do you and you are there to lift her up. And she feels the same about you. You share the good times and the bad. Yea, I agree with the other posts...be civil. But FRIENDS??? Come on!!

Thanks Ladies for all your responds. I do not bad mouth her to my son, who is the only who goes to visit. To my 18 yr well that is another story. She HATES BIG FOOT!!! She feels Big Foot took her dad, and dad doesn't want to be part of her life because of Big Foot. I don't think I can even be civil. I am sure one day I will find them on the streets but I will not go and make a scandal. I know better than that, but I will not certainly go and say Hello either. I don't know how I would react but I know I have more sense than to go and talk to them. Thank you all for your responds. I have taken a little bit of everyone.

Ladyrb, I just have to tell you that the nicknames you've chosen for your ex and the ow are absolutely hilarious! They made me giggle. Best of luck to you with everything!!

Thanks Deirdre, I just thought calling the flea my ex would still entitle him to something of me. Instead the flea is something that is there and sometimes you just can't get rid of. Irritating you with that darn itch you know, just like an X. For her since she is almost 2 feet taller than the flea I thought well Big Foot was the appropriate name. Thanks